Researching continuing care facilities

[Anonymous]

Move her near you. That drive will be a nightmare. My MIL was a 25-50 drive depending on traffic and it was hard to do more than 1-2 times a week. And, move her while she still has her mind (even a little bit and will be ok in a car)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move her near you. That drive will be a nightmare. My MIL was a 25-50 drive depending on traffic and it was hard to do more than 1-2 times a week. And, move her while she still has her mind (even a little bit and will be ok in a car)

She is adamant that she does not want to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move her near you. That drive will be a nightmare. My MIL was a 25-50 drive depending on traffic and it was hard to do more than 1-2 times a week. And, move her while she still has her mind (even a little bit and will be ok in a car)

She is adamant that she does not want to move.

That’s fine but you need to tell her the consequences of her decision. You will not be there as often as she would like. You will not be able to make your presence known to the staff. If there is an issue, you will get there when you can but it might be a few days.

One thing I’m finding challenging is dr appts. Perhaps the facility your parent is in takes them but the one my dad is in does not. I kid you not, a drs appt is a 4-5 hr endeavor. It takes 30-45 min to get him ready to get out the door even if he’s dressed already. It’s stuff like getting paperwork from the facility to give to the dr, switching his oxygen to portable, finding a wheelchair. Doesn’t matter if I tell the staff what time I will be there, no one seems to find the things he needs to go on an outing until I get there.

Then getting in the car takes 10 min. He just doesn’t move fast. He can’t buckle the seatbelt. I have to put the wheelchair in the car. Then we drive to the appt and have to unload him. Then we wait because the drs office never run on time. Now he has to pee. Then while we’re out he’d like lunch. It just seems it’s one additional step after another.

My dad is 5 min from me. I can’t imagine adding a 1.5hr commute on either end of this excursion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move her near you. That drive will be a nightmare. My MIL was a 25-50 drive depending on traffic and it was hard to do more than 1-2 times a week. And, move her while she still has her mind (even a little bit and will be ok in a car)

She is adamant that she does not want to move.

But she already has to move right? You said "We have gotten her to agree to move into the main campus building, and out of her independent cottage." There will be a transition anyway. And the reason she was in that location anyway was that your sibling was there. At a certain point, the kids have to start to make decisions that are best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Just move her into the main campus. Unless you live locally you really have no idea what a time suck it is being the sibling closest to an aging parent. She isnt going to adapt to moving somewhere else and by having some distance you won’t be at her beck and call.

A person mentioned Dr. Appts. Many elderly communities have a doctor who goes once or twice a week and sees residents there where they live. There is no reason to keep sacrificing to go to doctors appts when your mom has Alzheimer’s. Now that my mom is at a moderate level I just don’t take her to any because whats the point? Her dr is a Dr who visits once or twice a week and luckily is realistic about getting older and not pursuing every medical treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go once a month, your sibling goes once a month, and that’s pretty decent coverage. You can be there in 90 minutes in an emergency! I had a family member with Alzheimer’s in memory care a 10 hour drive away and that was brutal. You do the best you can.

I didn’t talk about other circumstances - like if I am facilitating a day long retreat (my job), on business travel, my husband is on travel, and my kids need me to be home for any multitude of reasons (like a dr appt). DH travels a lot and with the unpredictability of travel in this area I can’t just race up there and hope I will get home in time.

Judge much?

Also - she was a fine mother. Did the best with what she had. I was closer to my dad who passed a few years ago. [/quote


Once a month is not enough. My mom was in memory care. Even at the best places you need to be there and be present. It is negligent to be there only 1 time a month; at a minimum once a week. I’m not being mean, I’m being realistic.

[Anonymous]

Op hoping to actually answer your question, yes you can do some research into the skilled nursing facility portion of the ccrc and even the assisted living / memory care portion. Which state is this?

The skilled nursing portion is regulated by CMS. Go to cms.gov and look up “nursing home compare” for 5 star quality ratings. The system isn’t without flaws but it is something. You can also ask to make a meeting with the GM or SN Administrator (or both) to discuss your questions. The community is invested in keeping your mom there, and likely your mom is financially invested in staying there.

In the AL side the survey lookup / regulatory history may or may not be available online. It depends by state. But the community should absolutely be able to provide you with a copy in person. Generally it’s a state requirement they make it available for anyone who asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op hoping to actually answer your question, yes you can do some research into the skilled nursing facility portion of the ccrc and even the assisted living / memory care portion. Which state is this?

The skilled nursing portion is regulated by CMS. Go to cms.gov and look up “nursing home compare” for 5 star quality ratings. The system isn’t without flaws but it is something. You can also ask to make a meeting with the GM or SN Administrator (or both) to discuss your questions. The community is invested in keeping your mom there, and likely your mom is financially invested in staying there.

In the AL side the survey lookup / regulatory history may or may not be available online. It depends by state. But the community should absolutely be able to provide you with a copy in person. Generally it’s a state requirement they make it available for anyone who asks.

In addition to the CMS quality ratings, most good non-profit CCRCs participate in CARFE surveys. These are run by the CARFE accreditation group. You can look to see if they are certified, which is an intensive process that involves bringing people in to review the place for weeks on end.

[Anonymous]

PP back. It’s CARF at carf.org
On their website they have a 323-page overview of their international standards. CARF surveys communities in Asia/Africa, Canada, and the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister who is moving away who was closest probably realizes your mother needs a lot of help and this might have also factored into her moving. You need think how your mom is going to potentially afford 8 years of care that increases every year.

The issue with moving her is that her memory is failing so it will be hard for her to adapt to a new place right now. Once she is further impaired then it might not matter. But for now just leave her there and see how much she declines in a year.

I suspect that is a reason for the move, yes. Sadly.

The cost issue is the biggest problem. Mom moved into this place prior to diagnosis. Her contract allows her to stay until “the end” and her assets were factored into that. I am concerned that her investment is fully amortized now and if she moves, we may not find another place that will take her with her assets and diagnosis.

You won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op hoping to actually answer your question, yes you can do some research into the skilled nursing facility portion of the ccrc and even the assisted living / memory care portion. Which state is this?

The skilled nursing portion is regulated by CMS. Go to cms.gov and look up “nursing home compare” for 5 star quality ratings. The system isn’t without flaws but it is something. You can also ask to make a meeting with the GM or SN Administrator (or both) to discuss your questions. The community is invested in keeping your mom there, and likely your mom is financially invested in staying there.

In the AL side the survey lookup / regulatory history may or may not be available online. It depends by state. But the community should absolutely be able to provide you with a copy in person. Generally it’s a state requirement they make it available for anyone who asks.

OP here - she is in MD. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Op I am not that far from my mom but incredibly busy so it’s challenging to go more than 1x/week, plus doctors every other week. What I did was hire someone to come in 2x/week to hang out with her. She does my moms laundry, takes her to CVs helps her shower and would be able to take her to dentist etc. she also informs me of what’s happening. It’s less expensive than moving my mom to the next level of care but also I like Having a separate set of eyes in things. I still take my mom to doctors but that’s because she can’t handle on her own (facility supposedly provides transportation and has in house doctor but neither are reliable). If you find someone good who can also drive her when needed that would be your best bet. She also might be able to help you mom with video chats (there are some easy senior friendly tablets etc).

[Anonymous]

Once a month is not enough. My mom was in memory care. Even at the best places you need to be there and be present. It is negligent to be there only 1 time a month; at a minimum once a week. I’m not being mean, I’m being realistic.

It is ridiculous to shame someone like this. Some elders have no one checking on them and they are ok-enough. As for staff: there are kind, conscientious people everywhere. They do their job well-enough.

[Anonymous]

Don't move her near you if she is already at a care facility. You can hire someone to check on things and advocate as needed. Visit when you can. Nobody on the internet gets to judge you and guilt trip you. We all have our limits. Our parents had to leave us at schools/daycare/with sitters and trust. I can tell you I know plenty of people who even took in parents and found that even with regular caregivers they themselves lost it with their parents and eventually they felt a stranger could do better. There is no perfect.

Also having been at this enough years and being in many support groups over the years (parents and one in law were DIFFICULT), there have been several cases where the families adamantly opposed residential care and the family caregiver abused the elder. One case the wife was verbally abusive to the point doctors and nurses got APS involved. In the other case the MOM BEAT the father.

[Anonymous]

Don't let all the recent headlines guilt you into rushing into a decision to move your mom. If she is already settled and likes the place, that is a huge bonus. Losing the spot at her current facility and not being able to find an equivalent place near you is worse, IMO, than her being 90 minutes away.