Hungover from Narcissistic Mom Christmas?

[Anonymous]

You mentioned she’s no longer able to host due to age/decline. Definitely stay elsewhere. Perhaps it would also help to try to lesson the load of hosting meals. Do some dinners out or bring in take out. Try to simplify meals that are at her house etc.

[Anonymous]

She yelled? About what? It doesn't say.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is older. You should host going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in that familiar place again.

Just made it home after visiting my well-intentioned but narcissistic mom over the holidays. She ended up yelling at me and (more concerningly) my daughter when we stayed with them. She's old and cranky and not very flexible.

It happens every year.

I'm thinking we'll switch to staying elsewhere next year. Maybe host the whole family at a rental home?

Anyone else feeling the after-effects of complicated family relationships rehashed once again at the most stressful time of the year, with your kids as the audience?

I'm confused. By hosting the whole family do you mean you, your kid(s) and your mom or are there siblings or others also struggling with your mom? I would not host at a rental. if she behaves poorly, are you going to kick her out? You are a parent before you are a daughter in terms of priority. You need to figure out how you will handle if she yells at your child/children. Will she behave in public? How will you get her home if she doesn't? You need to model good boundaries for your children and show them you care about their emotional safety and will protect them.

Also, is your mom on medication to manage these outbursts? If not, see if she will talk to her doctor about her anger or you can let her doctor know so it assessed at the next visit. If she behaves this way, how will she keep hired help when needed? Once again you will be modeling for your kids abusive behavior is not OK and is a sign the person needs treatment. It's not even OK with brain decline or a brain tumor or mental illness. You do your best to endure the mood swings are treated if they are harming others.

[Anonymous]

OP, I want to challenge one of your assumptions. You are not obligated to care for your mother, and your children aren’t obligated to care for you. Healthy relationships are mutually supportive two-way streets where both parties willingly support each other. Of your mother receives less emotional support and time from you, it’s a consequence of her behavior. And even if she has a mental illness or age-related cognitive decline, her behavior is a choice the she has the option to control (unless she has diagnosed dementia).

One of the best gifts you can give your children is appropriate boundaries. Don’t loop them into relationships that are fueled by fear, obligation, or guilt. When you have contact with your mother, model setting appropriate limits. It will set them up for future success in peer relationships, romantic relationships, jobs, and parenting. For example, when your mom gets cranky, say calmly to her “It seems like you need a minute to collect yourself. We’ll step out and give you a break.” Then follow through without any further discussion or debate. If your mom gets overly critical or ragey, ask her to stop—once. If she can’t/wont, then leave. There’s no need to do the silent treatment or storm out. With a neutral tone and expression just say that you need a break, but you’re happy to try again some other time. Please don’t stay in your mother’s house or put her up at yours: You need to have more personal space and the ability to leave if your mother is being difficult.