Confrontation with my mom

[Anonymous]

Sounds like dementia

[Anonymous]

Your mom is a raging narcissist, I am sorry. Was she abused as a child and always a victim too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like dementia

It sounds like textbook narcissistic personality, so short of OP sharing that her mother is elderly with a dementia diagnosis, I think horses before I go looking for zebras.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Mother-daughter relationship is tough; it is the one thing that one can relate to regardless of race, ethnicity, culture and religion.

I am spending my Christmas Eve cleaning my house, re-arranging my pantry, doing loads of laundry in preparation for my parents’ visit tomorrow. DH is running around making sure every bathroom shines. As much as I think the house is presentable, my mother will pick on something when she gets here and make a fuss.

But I love my mother and I am an o my child, so I will/shall continue down the path of trying to please her. If I don’t, no one else will.

[Anonymous]

Stop taking the bait and reacting. You can either ignore or just paraphrase back in a deadpan.

Mom: Anyone who shops at Target is an idiot.
You: (silence)

Or
Mom: Anyone who shops at Target is an idiot.
You: So you are the smartest person when it comes to shopping. Got it.

Just say that say same paraphrase every.single.time:
“So you are the smartest person when it comes to ____. Got it.”

Over and over. No exasperation. No annoyance. Just deadpan it over and over.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds similar to mine before she got Alzheimer’s. The words are hurtful if you take them to heart. I think my mom was a depressed, critical person who picked fights.

In retrospect, I wish I would have not taken her opinions so personally. They are just her opinions—you don’t have to react to them. You might want to say something in a neutral tone like, Well, that’s your opinion, each time she shares her opinion. Do not engage. I know that’s hard because she seems to really know what buttons to push, but you see that reacting does no good.

And prep your kids that she has all sorts of whacky opinions and not to take them seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

DP
With my mom it WAS personal. I was the middle child she liked least and she let me know it at every turn. I went NC for a while and she’s better, but if I spend enough time with her the same behaviors rear their ugly head. I am low contact now. My oldest is 14 and knows EXACTLY what my mom is like. I told her some of the behaviors and then she started to witness them herself. I tell her I parent differently BECAUSE of her. When my youngest is old enough to understand I will tell her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

DP
With my mom it WAS personal. I was the middle child she liked least and she let me know it at every turn. I went NC for a while and she’s better, but if I spend enough time with her the same behaviors rear their ugly head. I am low contact now. My oldest is 14 and knows EXACTLY what my mom is like. I told her some of the behaviors and then she started to witness them herself. I tell her I parent differently BECAUSE of her. When my youngest is old enough to understand I will tell her too.

It’s good to learn how to ignore trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

DP
With my mom it WAS personal. I was the middle child she liked least and she let me know it at every turn. I went NC for a while and she’s better, but if I spend enough time with her the same behaviors rear their ugly head. I am low contact now. My oldest is 14 and knows EXACTLY what my mom is like. I told her some of the behaviors and then she started to witness them herself. I tell her I parent differently BECAUSE of her. When my youngest is old enough to understand I will tell her too.

Different poster, but yeah, my mom had that special way of making sure it was personal. She knew the buttons, she placed them and if I didn't react she just escalated. it gets so exhausting not taking her bait. I did a lot of the things suggested and even suggested some of them on here because they helped for a while, but eventually a distraction didn't work, making an excuse to leave the room made her yell, dramatic pause made her indignant and nasty and there is no way you could be sarcastic with her-she would tantrum. I did calmly set verbal boundaries which made her livid too, but then i reinforced the consequence. I have gone low contact and that works best. Many of her friends have done the same. She will complain that people just need to accept her for who she is because she is old, but when she gets lonely enough she behaves quite well so she is capable of being a decent person still.