Confrontation with my mom

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this bothers me but it had to happen sometime. My parents are visiting. My mother is constantly, always stating her opinions and preferences as fact, and stating that people who think otherwise are “fools” or other derisive names. She sneers about anyone doing anything differently than she does. On and on with pronouncements about how this or that is right and this or that is wrong. I told her to stop it, just drop it and she kept on making disgusted, derisive noises.

Today my dad and I agreed on a preference for something, and my mom said anyone who thinks that is foolish. She said this in front of my kids. Later, I told her that “Saying I am foolish or insulting me in front of my kids in my home does not work for me. She made fun of me for “being so dramatic” and finally I told her she was done insulting me in my home. She finally got that I was serious and then went straight into victim mode, saying she always “knows she will get in to trouble with me” and that I was “always yelling at her.” Nothing could be further from the truth. I never once have yelled at her.

I’m just done with her acting like it’s always Her Way and that she can just freely call other people idiots for having opinions that differ from her. She takes zero responsibility, and I know her next step will be to call my aunts and gossip about this, then my aunts (through my cousins) will try to get me to apologize. I’m so done with family triangulation, I’m so done with her pronouncements, I just can’t take it anymore, but I don’t like that this came up on a holiday. Thanks for listening, just feeling sad and angry and fed up.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I had multiple confrontations like this with my mother until she started doing really crazy things, like accusing us of changing her fridge temperature and spoiling her food (we didn't), or declining an invitation on my behalf without telling me (I really wanted to go, but she wasn't invited and was jealous).

At that point I went no-contact for 6 months. My husband, who is very family-oriented, persuaded me to renew contact after 6 months, plus I missed my father, who comes as a package deal with my mother. This was 10 years ago. She has been a normal, decent human being ever since! I think the thought of losing her only child and only grandchildren scared her straight.

[Anonymous]

16:45 again. My mother always made herself out to be a victim before, and would make the rounds of her large family to complain about me... but the joke was on her, because they all know her well, and took whatever she said with a huge grain of salt!

You just need to be firm, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

Sounds like you are feeling like no one wants to be around you. Wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

Sounds like you are feeling like no one wants to be around you. Wonder why.

Cute. Try to attack the poster. NO, Op, you are the one who is having problems. Grow up and demonstrate to your own children how to treat the elderly. It WILL be you some day -- and it won't be pleasant.

[Anonymous]

I don't see any dramatic "confrontation". OP, get your act together and deal with this. This is what an aging parent does. Stop being critical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

Sounds like you are feeling like no one wants to be around you. Wonder why.

Cute. Try to attack the poster. NO, Op, you are the one who is having problems. Grow up and demonstrate to your own children how to treat the elderly. It WILL be you some day -- and it won't be pleasant.

“The elderly” (you don’t have any idea how old OP’s mom is, by the way—she could be 50 for all you know) have no right to be rude to people in their home in front of their kids.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

OP, I apologize. It looks like my mother decided to post. This post above is exactly what my mother would do. She took things personally, was prone to tantrums and she would project her immaturity onto others by telling them to "grow up" and not take things personally.

Yes, my mom also thinks she is the leading authority on everything. It helped to just meet her in public places and pretend the restaurant was too noisy to hear her. I tried calmly saying things like "it looks like we have a difference of opinion." When she went into "you must an idiot" mode I calmly told her insults are not welcome here and if the insults don't stop we will need to take a break from seeing her. I also used to prepare the kids for her bad behavior. We also would see her at large family gatherings. She cares about keeping up appearances. She might try to insult us, but I would just go near someone who she behaves around so she could not do her thing or she would do her thing and sense people were side-eyeing her. Another idea is to suddenly have to use the bathroom or pretend to be distracted and change subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore her. She’s never going to change. And tell your kids grandma’s getting old and says weird things sometimes.

'

THis. grow up. this is how the elderly behave. Stop thinking it is personal. Model to your children how you would like them to treat you when it is your turn. stop complaining on sites like this

OP, I apologize. It looks like my mother decided to post. This post above is exactly what my mother would do. She took things personally, was prone to tantrums and she would project her immaturity onto others by telling them to "grow up" and not take things personally.

Yes, my mom also thinks she is the leading authority on everything. It helped to just meet her in public places and pretend the restaurant was too noisy to hear her. I tried calmly saying things like "it looks like we have a difference of opinion." When she went into "you must an idiot" mode I calmly told her insults are not welcome here and if the insults don't stop we will need to take a break from seeing her. I also used to prepare the kids for her bad behavior. We also would see her at large family gatherings. She cares about keeping up appearances. She might try to insult us, but I would just go near someone who she behaves around so she could not do her thing or she would do her thing and sense people were side-eyeing her. Another idea is to suddenly have to use the bathroom or pretend to be distracted and change subject.

I see you say she is visiting. Pay for them to be in a hotel next-time. You need space from her and you need to meet in public.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this is how she’s always been. She behaves this way because no one has ever put her in her place. This is probably who she is. You can limit contact. You can tell her off and when she goes crying to your other relatives about how horrible you are, tell them to you’re not a doormat (and then limit contact). Otherwise, you tolerate the behavior hue cause you really don’t know what else to do. Sounds like father is conditioned to tolerate it, too. He’s scared of her pitching a fit for the whole car ride home, so he just takes it. (He’s the one who has to live with her.)

It’s kinda too late unless you want to be accused of being mean to your poor precious mama who just loves you and means well.

You can have fun with her, too, and heat her at her own game. Lavish praise on her for her brilliance snd at the end of it all, says you’re absolutely amazed she never became a world renowned genius (unless she is). 😝

[Anonymous]

Deep breaths, OP. Families can push our buttons like no one else. Stand firm, and plan an escape that works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like this is how she’s always been. She behaves this way because no one has ever put her in her place. This is probably who she is. You can limit contact. You can tell her off and when she goes crying to your other relatives about how horrible you are, tell them to you’re not a doormat (and then limit contact). Otherwise, you tolerate the behavior hue cause you really don’t know what else to do. Sounds like father is conditioned to tolerate it, too. He’s scared of her pitching a fit for the whole car ride home, so he just takes it. (He’s the one who has to live with her.)

It’s kinda too late unless you want to be accused of being mean to your poor precious mama who just loves you and means well.

You can have fun with her, too, and heat her at her own game. Lavish praise on her for her brilliance snd at the end of it all, says you’re absolutely amazed she never became a world renowned genius (unless she is). 😝

Now I will tell you if she is like my mother this will set off rage. Often these types can dish it, but cannot take it. You could also try the dramatic pause every time she chimes in a rude way. After the dramatic pause say "Hmmm. I'll have to think about that" in a flat tone and then change subject. Other ideas...

"What's that smell? Excuse me while I try to figure out where that smell is coming from."
"I think I'm getting a call on my cell and it may be a work emergency. Excuse me."
"Is that deer out the window?" Run and look. "I could have sworn I saw a deer."
Just rephrase what she said "So you are saying we are ignorant because we don't think x, y and z?" then maybe throw in a "OK, so did anyone see the movie ____?"