How long young adult live at home?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules and you need to do what works for you as a family. The only thing that would worry me is if kids are using mental illness as an excuse to avoid getting jobs - which I have seen happen. But it doesn’t sound like that is the case here. I think your plan is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules and you need to do what works for you as a family. The only thing that would worry me is if kids are using mental illness as an excuse to avoid getting jobs - which I have seen happen. But it doesn’t sound like that is the case here. I think your plan is great.

How does a person “use mental illness as an excuse to avoid getting jobs”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90%
of GEN Z 26 years old are living at home.

citation please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: if 20 year old kid was attending college and living at home (either full-time or over breaks), would DH have the same attitude? 20 seems pretty reasonable to still need to live at home.

Different situation. College students aren't working FT.

That said, if your kid has mental health issues, that's a different story. It sounds like they are close to being able to leave the nest, but it's expensive to live on your own. I did that just out of college, and kind of regret it because of how expensive it was.

They'd have to find a roommate to survive.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for so many positive responses. I read the responses to DH. He admitted he could use some counseling. I’m going to insist because it really hard to live with someone who is so judgmental. Both to his own child but on himself.

[Anonymous]

I “moved out” pretty young (stopped coming to my parents house except for passing visits) around 18. But they financially supported me and helped with my rent until I graduated undergrad at 22 and I’m mentally healthy and neurotypical. My niece is 25 and living with her parents still. She’s graduated college but the job market in her field is grim and my sister has been having some serious health challenges so having a young adult in the house is really good for her. If you son is fully contributing to the household (groceries, chores, etc) especially in the ways that a young person is better suited to (make him shovel snow and do yard work!) I don’t see the issue. It’s a smart choice to save money and have companionship.

[Anonymous]

That your son has a job, is going to the job, is paying rent… many posts on here about adult children living at home and doing nothing. Sounds like you all are working a future plan that has actionable steps to help yours eventually live on own. Just for that, applause, and you all have beat idea of speed for that plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for so many positive responses. I read the responses to DH. He admitted he could use some counseling. I’m going to insist because it really hard to live with someone who is so judgmental. Both to his own child but on himself.

Your dh is not just judgmental. He is afraid. It all comes from fear that he failed as a father.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I, at 29, are preparing to move back in with my parents to save for a down payment. It’s the only way we’ll ever own a home. My sister lives there too, she’s 23, also saving for a home. Frankly, I’m not sure how anyone does it, unless their parents are gifting them with the down payment. At 20, you still have many years with your son ahead of you. Times have changed, and given yours sons mental health, your husband should keep his comments to himself and be glad your son is healthy, happy, and safe under your roof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for so many positive responses. I read the responses to DH. He admitted he could use some counseling. I’m going to insist because it really hard to live with someone who is so judgmental. Both to his own child but on himself.

Your dh is not just judgmental. He is afraid. It all comes from fear that he failed as a father.

I disagree. Dad might be fearful his kid is failing to launch.

It also depends on the kid, if you young adult is just sitting around, not attending college or looking for a "career" and living off mom and dad I would be concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90%
of GEN Z 26 years old are living at home.

Who raised those Gen Zs? Gen X parents with parental trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 20yr son had some severe mental issues as a kid and teen which he’s now got a good handle on. He didn’t want to go college and is working almost FT, has a couple friends, lives at home and pays us $300 month for rent. We’re saving that $$ for when he decides to move out. We plan to increase his rent to eventually get him to $1000, which is what he’ll need to live on his own.

He’s easy to live with and I figure in 3 years he’ll be ready to move out. My husband makes snide remarks that our son is “living in our basement.” DH is old school, moved out at 18. (Didn’t go college but landed very good job.)

I keep telling DH that times have changed and that lots of young adults live with parents through early twenties.

In white upper-middle income families, what would “normal” look like?

Who cares? You do what works for you?
I grew up with immigrant grandparents on both side. They and their siblings all went on to have big families of their own. They all lived at home for periods of time and some lived there, taking care of the grandparents, their whole lives. One side basically had a "compound" where they all lived next to/behind each other. Everyone took care of each other (though it was not w/o the usual family bickering and issues - not trying to paint some Pollyanna view). Point is, no one looked down on it. I certainly never knew any differently. It was only until I started living in other areas where "Failure to launch" concerns were apparently a thing that I realized others looked down on it.

You know what? I DGAF. I have zero family support where I am now and it's easier with some help. So if my kids want to live at home, need help and support, and are doing their best, that is absolutely fine with me. Plus, as others note, it IS harder now for kids coming into being adults. Harder to get in college, pay for college, get a good paying job, buying a house . . . . So the old "rules" simply don't apply in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 20yr son had some severe mental issues as a kid and teen which he’s now got a good handle on. He didn’t want to go college and is working almost FT, has a couple friends, lives at home and pays us $300 month for rent. We’re saving that $$ for when he decides to move out. We plan to increase his rent to eventually get him to $1000, which is what he’ll need to live on his own.

He’s easy to live with and I figure in 3 years he’ll be ready to move out. My husband makes snide remarks that our son is “living in our basement.” DH is old school, moved out at 18. (Didn’t go college but landed very good job.)

I keep telling DH that times have changed and that lots of young adults live with parents through early twenties.

In white upper-middle income families, what would “normal” look like?

How is moving out at 18 old school? I know of one person who moved out at 17. Everyone else, including two who became professors at DCUM faves, and several others who became doctors, lawyers and engineers, lived at home at least during college breaks into their mid-20s. Then, some stayed home to save for homes into their late 20s.

[Anonymous]

It's great that you're putting the rent money away for him (the more, the better). I think as long as he is employed, respectful, and saving money for the future, he's fine and you are helping him. It's really hard for young adults to afford life these days.

My brother is 29, employed, but doesn't pay any bills, and is a jerk to our parents. Who still do his laundry and cook all his meals. That's a different situation and he needs to leave the nest and experience real life. I enlisted in the military at 18 so I can't relate... but also the economy was much different 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Np and I deeply resent that my 23-year-old lazy middle son will be here until God knows when. I left at 20 and never looked back. I've tried multiple solutions (college, military, living with other family, filling out applications for him, etc), but nothing sticks.

I would tell any person who is contemplating children to understand that you will be birthing the next generation, which will come with a different set of rules from the ones you have. If you aren't open/flexible to things falling outside your expectations/timelines, don't have kids. Further, if you aren't open to the possibility of a failure to launch, basement dweller embarrassment, don't do it.

I doubt I would do it again, knowing what I now know.