What is acceptable losing it?

[Anonymous]

I think it varies greatly kid to kid and parent to parent. I wouldnt consider losing it abusive if its a normal parenting thing like youve told your kid 6 times to stop and they arent. I wouldnt be surprised at a friend yelling about that.

I think losing it over non issues like of your kid accidentally drops their ice cream cone or something like that, if you yell and make them feel bad thats not ok. So I guess I judge more on the context than the actual words and actions.

But curse words or name calling are never ok when directed at a child! That is always abuse.

[Anonymous]

To me, the red line is calling your kid names, saying they are stupid or worthless, for example. I also try to avoid sarcasm, because it's so cutting.

[Anonymous]

Losing it over safety issues: ok in my book. Screaming at a kid when they run away in a parking lot or dash out toward a street .... if that's the ONLY time you scream, it'll make a serious impression. Good.

Losing it when a kid forcefully and repeatedly pushes your buttons hard: not ideal, but understandable if it's once in a blue moon. See above ... you want losing it to be so rare that it REALLY means something when you do.

Losing it on a regular enough of a basis that the kids start to think "mom's going to scream at me if I do this (somewhat innocuous thing)" or "dad might be in a yelling mood when he gets home, I should stay in my room for now": not good. If kids are living their day to day lives wondering when the next blow up will occur ... that impacts them in deep and serious ways.

[Anonymous]

Dr Becky’s entire thing is that we all lose it but then you have to make amends.
The type of parent who is losing it to an abusive extent is not making amends.
So I would not obsess about the minutiae

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dr Becky’s entire thing is that we all lose it but then you have to make amends.
The type of parent who is losing it to an abusive extent is not making amends.
So I would not obsess about the minutiae

This is definitely true. My husband's father is verbally abusive and to this day he has never once admitted or owned up to anything and he certainly has never apologized for anything he has ever said.

I will say though that abusers can apologize, so if you have a cycle of abusing/apologizing, I don't think that's normal. So not disagreeing with you, but just pointing out that making amends does not necessarily mean what you are doing is ok - it could still be abusive.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you asking what society would say is ok? Because I'm not sure you're going to get a consensus on that. I don't think hitting kids is ok, but other parents would disagree.

To me, it matters what your kid thinks is acceptable. I have one child who is very, very sensitive to raised voices. There are also certain words that are very aggressive/upsetting to her. She's a twin and her sister doesn't feel the same way about this stuff, so I don't know why one is more sensitive than the other. But her level of acceptability is not the same as her twin's. (I don't treat them differently, I'm just pointing out that no two kids are the same).

I grew up in a household with no yelling and certainly no name calling. My best friend lived with her mom (her parents were divorced and she only stayed with her dad sporadically), and she and her mom and her sister would fight and yell and call each other names one minute and then be fine with each other the next. I am not at all like that, and I could not have survived in that situation, but they all seemed ok with it.

All that to say, I think you should pay attention to what your kid(s) says is acceptable or not to them. Definitely apologize when you lose it (we all do, I am not throwing stones here!), but also be aware of the things that specifically bother your own child(ren). That to me is the only barometer that matters.

[Anonymous]

My kid knows when I’m frustrated/annoyed from my tone and I will say that I am. But I never name call, etc.

The worst I have ever done is yell into the air once (like an exasperated, animal sound into the air) and once I fully cried. I was so tired.

All people become uncomposed sometimes but there’s never a reason to attack a kid verbally or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I have PTSD which is very hard to manage, and I absolutely went hysterical on my whole family in August: screaming in a rage. I had not slept more than two hours per night for four nights in a row, was overheated (this really aggravates the anxiety component of my condition) and otherwise was overwhelmed. Normal? No. But I forgive myself.

Raising children with so little help from anyone is very very hard! We have to give ourselves grace: I try to keep in mind what my former therapist told me, which is that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, you just have to be good enough. If 90% of the time you’re patient, calm, and self-regulated, that’s what matters. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

One thing I make sure to do is to sincerely apologize to my children if/when I snap or raise my voice at them. I hope that counts for something.

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP.

[Anonymous]

The worst thing I've ever said was to my DD who is an incredibly picky eater, I once begrudgingly made her another dinner after she absolutely refused to touch the first one but was crying about being hungry (I think she was 5 at the time). I set down the second meal and said "And if you don't like this one you can make your own damn dinner because I'm DONE." Tone was very nasty.

I felt pretty awful about it and this was years ago and I still feel bad. I did apologize and we talked through it and I don't think it's a lasting memory for DD. The picky eating remains my biggest trigger as a parent, but I've never gotten nasty like that again -- I learn to just let it go more or find other outlets for my frustration over it.

So I guess that's my upper limit. Which is pretty mild maybe.

I grew up in a home that was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive though. My threshold is low. My spouse will sometimes say stuff like "what's wrong with you?" or my least favorite: "why are you crying?" And even those feel triggering to me. I really aim to handle even the most challenging parenting stuff calmly, take breaks, maintain humor. We do not yell and no humiliating or demeaning language. I don't want to pass that on to my kid, it's bad enough that I experienced it.