What is acceptable losing it?

[Anonymous]

We all lose it and snap at our kids - or at least most of us occasionally and it’s generally accepted we all lose it sometime even by parenting coach types like dr. Becky

But what is acceptable losing it vs not? Or more - what’s normal (though not ideal obviously) vs out of control or abusive? Frequency of it? Duration (short yelling then stepping away to calm down quickly vs not stepping away)? Cuss words used? Name calling kid? Saying things like “what’s wrong with you!”

I think I’m hypersensitive to it and was just wondering what average non perfect / trying hard / not abusive / just human parents are doing

[Anonymous]

Op here - by acceptable, I don’t mean we all shouldn’t be trying to do better, more you wouldn’t be alarmed hearing a friend lose it in that way on their kid, it’d be more of a shrug and “yep I’ve been there too”

[Anonymous]

I’d be alarmed to hear a friend curse at their kid or name call and would think differently about them.

[Anonymous]

“What’s wrong with you” is not great, but I’ve said it. Try to avoid.

[Anonymous]

I think I’d be startled to hear my friends lose it in the same way that I do sometimes because 1) I assume everyone else is more together than I am, and 2) it probably sounds really awful, regardless of what actual words you use. Losing it is never pretty.

That said, I agree that name calling or cursing is probably a line. “What’s wrong with you” is pretty awful but I’ve probably said very similar, like “why do you always do this?”

[Anonymous]

Just generally raising my voice/yelling because no one is listening to me despite saying something 100 times--BTDT.

But mean, cutting remarks aimed at a kid (particularly around their appearance or intelligence or abilities), lots of cursing with small kids, saying "I'm gonna hurt/kill/get you". That's abusive.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 boys under 8. My losing it is yelling. I always try to apologize after I calm down. I lose it once a month, maybe. CT I dont count emergency situations (ie Parking lot misbehavior.)

I can’t imagine name calling or swearing at them but they are still young.

I think apologizing is key.

[Anonymous]

I think once in a while happens. Someone I know was losing it daily, that’s abuse.

[Anonymous]

I lose it. I do yell at my two kids. Probably a mild version once a week since inevitably sometime does something thoughless. But i don't make it personal, and I don't call them names or stupid and don't swear. i do say "why would you do that?!?" Etc and focus on the action not the person. And i do apologize when cooled down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I’d be startled to hear my friends lose it in the same way that I do sometimes because 1) I assume everyone else is more together than I am, and 2) it probably sounds really awful, regardless of what actual words you use. Losing it is never pretty.

That said, I agree that name calling or cursing is probably a line. “What’s wrong with you” is pretty awful but I’ve probably said very similar, like “why do you always do this?”

I agree with this. And that apologizing and acknowledging fault is important.

[Anonymous]

I think cursing, throwing things, and name calling obviously cross a line. And anything implying your kids are stupid/annoying.

I lose it at my kids, but usually it’s when I’m trying to do something and can’t because they’re fighting (e.g. I have something on the stove that is going to burn and they decide right then to lose their minds at each other). Sometimes in those moments I’ll snap and say something like “That’s it, screen time is about to be gone for the week!” I’ve realized when I start making threats like that I’m usually not as in control as I want to be and I’m just grasping. My oldest cries when I yell like that so I don’t like to do that often.

I’ll add that when I yell I usually apologize while also explaining why I was so upset and what we can all do better next time to avoid the blow up.

[Anonymous]

I lose it often. Its so hard for me. I scream!

[Anonymous]

My DD is 21, so I have a fairly good sense of how childhood can go. I am pretty sure I screamed at her so loud/hard either two or three times that I lost my voice. Once was when she asked to take a Littlest Pet Shop thing with us to the grocery store, I said no, she snuck it out anyway, then on our way out of the parking lot she threw something in the trash bin and accidentally threw out her Pet Shop, and she REACHED INTO THE TRASH TO DIG THROUGH TO FIND IT. I smacked her hand away and screamed at her about needles and knowing better, she ran into the parking lot where cars go around a blind corner and I screamed at her to stop. Then I screamed at her about darting away in a parking lot. To this day she will swear in court that the littlest pet shop was right on top, and I will swear in court it was not. We have agreed to disagree.

[Anonymous]

At least 5 positives for every negative.

I think words only cross over to verbal abuse when it seems like the parent is LOOKING for negatives. Everything is negative. Parent goes out of their way even at un-snappy times to criticize.

We all snap. We should all improve. If we do it too often, we desperately need to look inside ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least 5 positives for every negative.

I think words only cross over to verbal abuse when it seems like the parent is LOOKING for negatives. Everything is negative. Parent goes out of their way even at un-snappy times to criticize.

We all snap. We should all improve. If we do it too often, we desperately need to look inside ourselves.

Me again. For example, I have improved so much in patience. But my kids have also extended their ability to push my buttons. Like they’re pushing and pushing until I do.

My patience has exponentially grown over the years. But I still snap.

All of us should work on seeing how far we can go, remaining fully patient. We should use tactics like cooling down/temporarily walking away if we need to. We should express anger by saying “I’m so angry” an instead of shouting it. “It makes me mad when you..” Taking breaks. Taking turns getting out of the house. Having our own hobbies, getting babysitters, being mentally well ourselves. Getting as much sleep as we can.

All of those things help me from not snapping.

If my kids still get me to snap, honestly, I feel less bad because I know how hard I’m trying. I apologize. But, man they push my patience soooooo far. Sometimes in life jerky people will get a snappy response. Maybe good for them to learn it.