Parenting (Mom) Overwhelm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to outsource and eventually I stayed home. I have 3 kids and Dh has a very demanding and also high paying job.

I see my friends in your situation take a day off for themselves. I never did this. I would never burn a vacation day to do nothing. I have one friend who seems to have a ton of PTO. Her kids are busy and family vacations are less.

Maybe that was part of the issue, you never took a day to yourself? I get it, I didn’t like to waste my vacation days prior to kids, but I have been forced to slow down with kids and can appreciate a quiet hour to myself with a coffee and a good book. Heck, sometimes the drive home from daycare drop off after a long weekend feels like a spa day!

[Anonymous]

Your DD is close to HS graduation. So what's stressful about her life for YOU? By this age shouldn't she be able to drive herself places and handle her own schedule for the most part? Get your kids handling their own stuff - their own breakfast, lunch and snacks, their own schedules, their own laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home a long time and now just work very part time. It is the only thing that keeps me sane. I do all the "mental load" for the kids, clean the house myself (husband doesn't like having cleaners, ugh), and do most of the cooking and kid driving. My husband has a very demanding job and relatively mediocre pay, but still its enough for us to live and save comfortably on. We often discuss him finding something less demanding, but he seems convinced that doesn't exist (lawyer.)

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and your thoughts here! It made a big difference to my heart and scattered brain, just to hear that you all get it deeply and truly.
I definitely LOLd at the parachute story and the "except" because it's exactly the kind of humor I most needed.

[Anonymous]

And side note from OP in response to 17:36: We live in DC, so DD is a junior and just about to get her learner's permit, but it will be a while before she can drive on her own. (It's a bit shocking that there are such strict rules to get a license in DC--and later dates for eligibility than nearby states--and people drive so atrociously here.) It would also mean an additional car--school isn't metro accessible, and my work in DC isn't easily accessible either, so that's a challenge in itself.

I do take the point about shifting more of the house work to the kiddos. That's something I've needed to do for a while, and this might be the push I need.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused- you are driving to two different schools (with some carpooling) and your daughter is in high level dance so presumably every day or close to it. I can’t see how you are fitting in even 40 hours unless a lot of it is at night or your husband is doing some of the driving? Plus all the doctors appointments and presumably some extracurriculars for your son?

If you are determined to keep it up go for it but it sounds like you don’t have enough child care to work a demanding job. I had to cut back to feel like I had a workload I could do with the child care I was comfortable with and to feel like I enjoyed my time with my kids. I have no regrets. I really mean it when I say I hope you end up feeling these choices were with it, or that you make some changes to make life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And side note from OP in response to 17:36: We live in DC, so DD is a junior and just about to get her learner's permit, but it will be a while before she can drive on her own. (It's a bit shocking that there are such strict rules to get a license in DC--and later dates for eligibility than nearby states--and people drive so atrociously here.) It would also mean an additional car--school isn't metro accessible, and my work in DC isn't easily accessible either, so that's a challenge in itself.

I do take the point about shifting more of the house work to the kiddos. That's something I've needed to do for a while, and this might be the push I need.

When each of our kids turns 7, they are tasked with cooking one dinner per week. Honestly, for the first year it's a lot of work for us and some bad meal components, but it's an investment and they eventually get their feet under them and start churning out decent dinners. If one cooks another is in charge of setting the table and another has to clear the table, etc. The summer before 6th grade they are taught to do their own laundry. That includes teaching them to fold it as soon as it comes out of the dryer, whether that means watching a show or listening to a podcast or coordinating with a friend and FaceTiming them as the friend also folds their laundry. Since they started activities, each kid is assigned a color and there's a weekly calendar in the kitchen with each day of the week, each kid's activity. So they know where they go when. Each night after dinner they get reminded to get their stuff ready for the next day. They go check the calendar and based on that, bring down a dance bag, sports equipment, stuff an extra granola bar in their lunch bag, etc.

It really helps us to get the kids independent (and we'll help if they get stuck, or are overwhelmed or have midterms), and they take pride in having autonomy over their lives to some degree. My oldest was shocked to find out his friends didn't know how to fold a fitted sheet and then nearly fell over finding out they didn't know how to fold any of their laundry. They like that when friends come over they know how to make a snack to serve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I became a SAHM and that solution worked for me, my family and my kids.

+1 me too. You have to ensure you don’t get caught up in the material rat race and it’s still doable even in DC. You can prioritize cars, vacations, owning a big house, and possibly private school OR you can be smarter with your money and have a very low stress life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I became a SAHM and that solution worked for me, my family and my kids.

+1 me too. You have to ensure you don’t get caught up in the material rat race and it’s still doable even in DC. You can prioritize cars, vacations, owning a big house, and possibly private school OR you can be smarter with your money and have a very low stress life.

We made this choice too and while I know it was right for us, it’s still hard not to feel jealous of certain material advantages. I don’t dwell on it but I’m human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I became a SAHM and that solution worked for me, my family and my kids.

+1 me too. You have to ensure you don’t get caught up in the material rat race and it’s still doable even in DC. You can prioritize cars, vacations, owning a big house, and possibly private school OR you can be smarter with your money and have a very low stress life.

But...a lot of posters coming here to ask for suggestions on how to reduce overwhelm aren't prioritizing these things. They are reasonably successful families where spouses are earning similar salaries, and the suggestion for the Mom to stay home would represent a significant lifestyle change. I realize this works for some families but your spouse has to be ok with the implications of being the sole breadwinner potentially forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I became a SAHM and that solution worked for me, my family and my kids.

+1 me too. You have to ensure you don’t get caught up in the material rat race and it’s still doable even in DC. You can prioritize cars, vacations, owning a big house, and possibly private school OR you can be smarter with your money and have a very low stress life.

But...a lot of posters coming here to ask for suggestions on how to reduce overwhelm aren't prioritizing these things. They are reasonably successful families where spouses are earning similar salaries, and the suggestion for the Mom to stay home would represent a significant lifestyle change. I realize this works for some families but your spouse has to be ok with the implications of being the sole breadwinner potentially forever.

Yes it works much better when the salaries are not equal or nearly equal. That said, we purchased our home knowing that we wanted the option for me to leave the workforce and did not including my salary when deciding how much we wanted to spend. It meant the difference between a townhouse and a SFH and we were okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Can you arrange carpool for dance as well as school? Can she take the metro there? Other than driving, it seems like you need to allow these children to be much more self sufficient. They can pack their own lunch, make breakfast, so laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

We use the ToDoIst app so little tasks don’t fall through the cracks. I find having all the to do things written down somewhere helps get them out of head otherwise I just ruminate trying to remember it all. Also, lots of Alexa reminders and a shared Google calendar plus a giant white board for weekly stuff.

We make a lot of the same meals (tacos, lasagna, “leftovers charcuterie board,” rotisserie chicken + veg, breakfast for dinner) on repeat so we don’t even really need a recipe to follow.

I either wake up early or use my WAH lunch break for exercise. I take care of personal tasks (like scheduling medical appointments) in between work meetings. Curbside pickup helps with groceries. I also make time to schedule myself at least 1-2 fun activities per month (book club, brunch with girlfriends, etc.) and a date night when we can so we don’t burn out.

It’s not perfect and I feel like I spend a lot of my life rushing. I forget what it feels like to do things at a leisurely pace. But we are managing.

[Anonymous]

I work part time. Is there a way for you to step back at work for 2 years?

[Anonymous]

Is there something you can do while she is at dance other than watch? Go on a walk, take work calls, clean your car, go run errands? I find that time alone is actually useable, even if it’s just to do small tasks that then aren’t cluttering up my mental to do list