Obnoxious In Laws

[Anonymous]

What on earth does this have to do with his sister? I'm sorry, I don't have any advice, I just feel so badly for you. Your husband needs to decide who he is married to -- his mother or his wife. Good luck!!!!

[Anonymous]

Holy crap, OP, does your husband have any backbone at all? I'm so sorry. THEY are going to set this straight?

Sounds like the whole family is just terrorized by your MIL and nobody wants to stir up any problems. I hope your husband realizes what's really going on here and cuts his family off for a while. Therapy definitely sounds like a good idea to help him get some perspective on what normal is.
Ugh. Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

14:32: exactly, what does it have to do with his sister????? She never has spoken to me the entire time we were dating and since we have been married. She claims that she lives far away in NJ (yes, I know that is several continents from DC) and that she has nothing in common with me (true, I am normal). She never even said anything to me about my miscarriage like, I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. She is kind of a sucky person and probably takes after her mother, so she wants to stir up trouble. But seriously, just venting to you guys really helps and your comments and support really help too. Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. In any circumstance this is horrible. But especially going through IF makes it 100x worse.

Just keep in mind that it isn't you. Your husband is probably still tormented by the control of his mother. I know this because I went through something similar with my family (my mother WAS the monster in law to my husband). It took time for me to FINALLY cut her out of my life. But we've never been happier.

Bottom line is - stick to your guns. Try to stay calm, especially after the looney pow-wow in baltimore. Count on your family and friends during this time. Hopefully sooner than later your husband will get it.

Good luck and lots of baby dust to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you and I know you suggested help to your DH but I think you might want to consider some yourself....might be helpful in figuring out how to deal with his family and him dealing with his family. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

PP here - I would also say that in the event you have to speak with this woman again, try to make sure your husband is present, so that there is no room for her to make up stuff you said.....

[Anonymous]

PP, OP here. Thank you for the suggestions. I have actually went out and got the book Toxic In Laws. It has helped alot in learning to deal with these lunatics. I have also considered going to see someone because I agree that it would help to talk it out with someone to help find some strategies for dealing with DH's crazy family. Prior to me cutting her off (and during that conversation for that matter), I always insist on having someone present because she lies and lies and lies. I made my DH stand there while she was on speaker phone and I refused to talk to her without the speaker phone. It is really ridiculous that a grown woman acts like that. Actually she once sent me a very disparaging letter. When DH confronted her on it, she said, "I would never do that. She is lying. How could you say that about me." DH was holding the actual letter in his hands at the time. I actually had to laugh at that one.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I suppose whether you need marriage counseling may depend on how the "meeting" goes. You DH should come home having fully supported you, and either brokered a deal that has his family being respectful of you or agreeing that you can cut them out. My fear is they are going to try to convince him that there is something wrong with you. Really, I don't know you, but your position in absolutely reasonable. I hope he comes home and this whole situation is smoothed over - for your sake.

As for him, if he doesn't come back with a good outcome, maybe he does need counseling.
Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! She sounds insane and I imagine DH could use some counseling to help him deal with this -- not because he's weak, but because this is the way he was raised and he may never have developed the tools he needs to manage such a dysfunctional and unhealthy family dynamic. I also agree that you might want to consider therapy yourself, too. It's not your fault, of course, but this is a lot to deal with along with TTC (and/or hopefully a pregnancy and new baby soon after!)

If you want some recommendations on skilled counselors/therapists, just let us know your general geographic area. Many of us have had great experiences with therapists who helped us with parent issues and could make a good recommendation.

All the best to you and DH, both!

[Anonymous]

my MIL said to me, "so it's been your 'condition' all this time that's preventing pregnancy..."
nevermind my husband's MFI....that she knows about.

[Anonymous]

PP, OP here. Seriously do these crazy MIL's have a handbook or something? It seems like they come up with the same lines. Either that or desperate, ill-informed malicious people only have so much to say because they can't come up with something reasonable. So, DH came home the other night and said nothing about the family meeting. He acted normal. Rather than get myself all upset and confront him on it, I just ignored it. Everytime I bring them up, my heart starts racing and my hands shake despite my best efforts to remain calm. Given that I am in the tail portion of my 2ww, I figured I don't need the stress because I have enough stress worrying about my beta test! I think it looks like he is ok with keeping his family away from me which is the best thing that ever happened to me. One of my friends said that he probably is tired of their shenagians and sees what they are saying is completely ridiculous. I think that a PP was right--he does not have the skills to deal with these lunatics because that is how he was raised. Then I come along and tell him this behavior is not normal. Maybe he has seen the other side (my family is normal and very kind and generous to him) and realized they are crazy. I think he cannot upset the apple cart and just placates them. Personally, I would not do that myself and would call them out on their horrid behavior and cut them off but I have to remember he does not have the tools that I have and the normal upbringing that gave me those tools and confidence. His mother is a very insecure person and she has instilled that in her children. They come from a place where everything is no: you can't do that, you will fail, etc. So, I can only expect that it will take a while to break away from that when you are taught that for 35 years. At the end of the day, I have to put myself first and protect my sanity and any pregnancy that I may have. I will not let them interfere in that and cause me unnecessary stress and turmoil like they have for the past three years.

I am located in the District, so any recommendations on therapists would definitely be welcome. Thank you so much to everyone for the great suggestions, support and just allowing me to vent.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should be very proud of yourself and how you are handling this. It does sound like you were raised right. As for you husband, kudos to him for shielding you. It sounds as if he has the potential to develop a skill set. I wish I had a therapist recommendation for you, but the only one I know is retiring.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP. OP here. While I will admit that I did not handle everything this well in the past (like when MIL disrupted my wedding day), I have come to a place where seriously these people don't matter to me anymore. They will never change and never get any better. I look at it this way: I had a miscarriage and suffered probably the worst emotional pain of my entire life from it. It took a while to recover and now I am on the TTC train with IUI's and possibly IVF if the IUIs don't succeed. If all that emotional pain doesn't defeat me and I can overcome that, I can overcome anything. The MIL crazy train is nothing but a nuisance at this point. She is like a flea in the whole scheme of things. I just want nothing to do with her and I am happy and it seems like we are on that course now. I just don't care about MIL and those lunatics anymore. There was a time when I wanted family harmony and I wanted them to like me but I now realize that will never happen because it is a two way street. Although I was willing to put in, she was not. I don't want to engage in her games anymore. So, there comes a time when you say enough is enough and walk away. Her situation is of her own making.

[Anonymous]

Good luck! Just be prepared that your DH may not stand up for himself (or for you) in the family meeting. Please also be prepared that he may not relay details of the meeting to you, and that even if he does, you might finding yourself saying "and did you say this..., why didn't you say that...") After more than a decade of marriage and years of infertility (followed, thankfully, by healthy children -- despite dealing with in-law comments during infertility, not to mention comments from my own father), I've realized that my husband just doesn't care to bother with his mother. So things that bother me, fester. He just lets them go, and that's his way of dealing. And, honestly, just this year, I've finally learned to let things go -- actually, I don't even engage. I use caller ID.

I know it's heard, but right now, you have more important things to worry about than your in-laws. Forget about them...forget about the meeting...you don't need this stress. And good luck with the 2ww.