Obnoxious In Laws

[Anonymous]

I need a little help in dealing with my husband's parents and some suggestions on what to say and do. I got pregnant last fall but had a missed miscarriage/blighted ovum in December. I had a D&C and after waiting the requisite months they tell you to wait, we started trying to get pregnant again. When I started showing signs of PCOS early into our pregnancy quest, my OB/GYN suggested that I see an RE to help sort things out. We have been working with the RE and will actually have a cycle of IUI tody and tomorrow. The problem is my in laws. When I had the D&C, the afternoon I got home from the hospital my MIL called and said, "Well at least you were able to get pregnant, just get over it." I ignored her and classified her as an insensitive loon like she has been for so many other events in our lives. However, she kept injecting herself by telling us that our doctor was a quack and insisting that I tell her every detail of my testing and examinations. Then she would say that the infertility was my fault and I should be happy that I got pregnant because there are so many girls out there that can't even get pregnant. So, I politely told her that my miscarriage and subsequent quest to become pregnant are very sensitive issues to me and I am very uncomfortable talking about it. I then asked her to respect my feelings and my privacy at this time and to please give me space. I then told her that I will share things in due time when I felt comfortable. Her response was, "I need to know these things because my son is involved and it is all your fault that you can't give him a child and you had better tell me everything if you know what is good for you." Since she is an obvious lunatic, I just replied that her comments are inappropriate and insensitive and I will no longer engage in this conversation. I then hung up. Does anyone else have problems with their in laws or have I hit the motherload, so to speak? I don't need this stress especially during this time. Any suggestions??

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to step up here and tell his mother to shut the f*ck up. Honestly. It's ridiculous that he's let things get this far. Use your caller ID and refuse to spend time with her if she continues.

[Anonymous]

I so feel for you, dealing with a miscarriage and then with this crazy MIL. I would talk to your husband and ask him to deal with his mother from now on. You should completely ignore her - going through infertility is hard as it is.

[Anonymous]

We must be married to brothers.
My Nightmare-In-Law treats me and the TTC topic the same way. Create the space you need yourself and enlist help from others. When she calls I don't answer the phone (caller ID is your friend!). I don't go to any functions where I might be trapped one-on-one with her and if I accidently do I stop the conversation by telling her I need to "pee" or make an urgent phone call or walk the dog.

My husband tried to intervene but he is not accountable for her crappy behavior nor has any control over her. He tried but failed.

Don't expect her to get better. She can't or won't. She is not an adult or a nice person.

[Anonymous]

Op, what a terrible situation! It would be great if your husband could deal with it, but she sounds sort of entrenched in her ways, so even that may not have the desired effect. Can you just block her out best way possible to maintain longterm peace? I'm sorry you're dealing with this - the last thing you need is to hear such crazy talk!

[Anonymous]

Avoid her and refuse to have the convo when you can't.

I'm sorry.

I do think she is crazy. It sounds like there is some kind of anxiety component and having info makes her feel more in control (or more able to blame). Not likely to change. Do not feed the beast with info. As in, tell her you are pregnant after delivery.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I agree you DH needs to tell her to back off and that if she wants to discuss the subject, she can discuss it with him. She needs to be told that the doctor wants your stress levels reduced and that SHE is causing the stress.

If cornered by her, I would point blank tell her that a marriage is between two people and that she is not one of those two people, and therefore she should back off. I'd further tell her that the stress she is causing you is more of a factor in your infertility than anything else, so it's her responsibility if she doesn't back off and you don't get pregnant. Then I'd walk away. Give her some guilt to shoulder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to step up here and tell his mother to shut the f*ck up. Honestly. It's ridiculous that he's let things get this far. Use your caller ID and refuse to spend time with her if she continues.

Yeah, I TOTALLY agree.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. She sounds like an awful person and the exact opposite of what you need in your life right now.

I would take a hard line approach -- literally refusing to talk to her about the topic. You tried explaining why (sensitive subject etc.) and it didn't work. So stop the explanations. If she raises the issue, just say, "I'm not going to talk about this with you. Would you like to talk about something else, or should I give the phone to DH (or should I hang up now)?" Same for seeing her in person.

As my ex-boyfriend once taught me, you can't have a conversation with a brick wall. Meaning, if you concisely say, "I'm not going to talk about this with you" and leave it at that, there's nowhere for the conversation to go. If you give even the slightest bit of information or explanation (motivated by the mistaken belief she will somehow "get it" and back off), you're in for more conversation that you don't want to have.

If your husband wants to talk with her about it, that's his decision. If he wants to explain to her why you're no longer talking with her about it, that's also his decision. You just focus on your piece of it, which is shutting down any and all attempts she makes to engage you on the subject.

She's behaved so poorly that she has lost her privilege to talk with you about this subject.

Good luck -- with your MIL and with TTC!!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, to hear this. For the same reason, I don't discuss my fertility problems with anyone but my husband and my RE. It's difficult enough to go through this without involvement and unsolicited advice from others. I would minimize my contact with your MIL and tell your husband that he needs to step in and handle the situation. You don't need this kind of additional stress.

[Anonymous]

OMG your MIL sounds horrible, I don't have any advice just sending some online support your way...

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all your support and suggestions. I had a long talk with my husband last night and convinced him (after he said that she does not mean any harm--whatever) that he needs to speak with his mother. If that does not go well, I told him that I am going to take things into my own hands and have my own talk with her. If I get the sense that she does not get it (which I am sure she won't since I think one of the posters here was right--she has anxiety issues), I am cutting her out of my life. My husband seems to understand at least for now. I told him that he can have whatever contact with her that he wants with one exception, he cannot talk to her about my fertility issues or procedures. I told him while we are in this together, at the core of the matter it is my body and I am the one going through all of these procedures or physical issues from medications, so therefore it is my issue and I get to share it with whom I want or not. She have forfeited whatever "rights" she had to know by her very own behavior. I also told him that she is toxic to me and I cannot have more stress than I already have right now. So, she will need to stay out of my life. I have better things to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all your support and suggestions. I had a long talk with my husband last night and convinced him (after he said that she does not mean any harm--whatever) that he needs to speak with his mother. If that does not go well, I told him that I am going to take things into my own hands and have my own talk with her. If I get the sense that she does not get it (which I am sure she won't since I think one of the posters here was right--she has anxiety issues), I am cutting her out of my life. My husband seems to understand at least for now. I told him that he can have whatever contact with her that he wants with one exception, he cannot talk to her about my fertility issues or procedures. I told him while we are in this together, at the core of the matter it is my body and I am the one going through all of these procedures or physical issues from medications, so therefore it is my issue and I get to share it with whom I want or not. She have forfeited whatever "rights" she had to know by her very own behavior. I also told him that she is toxic to me and I cannot have more stress than I already have right now. So, she will need to stay out of my life. I have better things to focus on.

Good call! I would do the exact same thing. Good luck to you both!!

[Anonymous]

OP- Good for you! I hope your DH is up to the task when faced with mommy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just wanted to update everyone because you guys have really provided me support. Even just short responses helped me know I am not alone and not crazy. So of course, my husband wimped out when faced with mommy and I had to stand up for myself. I told her that her comments and behavior is unacceptable and toxic to me. I said that I must put myself first and in doing so, I must remove her from my life. I said that I will not interfere in her relationship with her dear son any he could have any relationship that he deems fit. I, on other hand, do not have to deal with her and choose not to based on the things that she has done and said (my descriptions to you guys are only the tip of the iceberg of what she has done). I told her to not contact me anymore as I no longer wish to engage in her shenagians and games. So, she started screaming at the top of her lungs and guess what, I hung up. So, DH came home yesterday to tell me that he is meeting his mother, father and sister in Baltimore today for a family meeting (they live in NJ). He said that they told him that they are going to finally set this straight. Seriously, what a bunch of schumcks. I have just completed the first week of my 2ww. I am keeping myself calm but need a little encouragement and thought you guys were so great last time. Do I need marriage counseling? My head examined for staying with this person? I have suggested that DH go to a therapist for his unhealthy relationship with his wacko family. Help.