s/o Things to keep your family harmonious as you age

[Anonymous]

I think most parents believe they won't need help, say they would never ask for help, but when the time comes that former belief and promise flies right out the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most parents believe they won't need help, say they would never ask for help, but when the time comes that former belief and promise flies right out the window.

This thread is not about believing you won't need help or never asking for help. It's about being proactive, which doesn't mean there won't be plenty of problems. I can tell you that I and many in my friend group are dealing with parents who buried their heads in the sand about what aging might look like for them-even when family history pointed to some potential for alarming issues. There's a lot of magical thinking about what a adult child with their own kids, spouse and job can do for someone determined to age in place in a location that is not walkable and not aging friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who would follow this type of advice are not the people who need this advice.

Like - Don’t be abusive to your adult kids? Abusive people don’t believe they are abusive and non-abusive people don’t need to be told not to be abusive, so not really sure how that translates into useful advice.

Agree and not. Abusive folks don’t always have insights but if a (not [yet] abusive) adult saw this behavior with an aging parent, then maybe they would look for options where they could age into memory care, etc so the the adult child doesn’t bear the responsibility for their treatment.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for starting this thread. The one thing I would emphasize (which is implicit in everything you listed) is: do not decide you will wait until there is a problem to make decisions about all these issues! Make arrangements (financial, legal, living arrangements, etc.) while you are healthy and independent. Don't create a situation where there if there is a sudden crisis (a stroke! a broken hip! dementia begins!) you, or your kids, are forced suddenly into having to figure everything out under time pressure, emotional stress and so on. That is the worst time to have to make vital decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for starting this thread. The one thing I would emphasize (which is implicit in everything you listed) is: do not decide you will wait until there is a problem to make decisions about all these issues! Make arrangements (financial, legal, living arrangements, etc.) while you are healthy and independent. Don't create a situation where there if there is a sudden crisis (a stroke! a broken hip! dementia begins!) you, or your kids, are forced suddenly into having to figure everything out under time pressure, emotional stress and so on. That is the worst time to have to make vital decisions.

This is so true and now that we have all been through things like a pandemic, it is clear that when your emergency happens people might not be able to drop everything in life to come to you. In our family, I developed an illness and my mother, who was clearly losing it, not only didn't have empathy, but was livid that I was not able to keep dropping everything for her. I had been trying to be proactive for years and years and she insisted on living in denial and would indignantly say "I do not want to talk about this."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a spin off on the thread about aging elder issues causing rifts between siblings. Wanted to crowdsource how we all avoid this for our kids. Unfortunately, aging into a raging lunatic does run on one side of my family so I will be exploring death with dignity in another country as I get closer that age depending on what new research comes out about prevention..

Here are my ideas. please add to them and feel free to disagree

1.) Move to a CCRC while still able bodied and eager to make more friends
2.) Start conversations with you adult children regarding your plans for aging and their role long before you need their help. Listen to their thoughts and be empathetic. Whether you are a billionaire and they may inherit a ton or don't have a penny to your name, you will likely one day be in need of an adult child to help in some capacity so treat adult children kindly, be realistic and don't try to abuse them into being your slave. Be ready to adapt if they find your expectations of their role over the top. If you expect to move in with them and haven't ever discussed that, get it on the table so you know in advance if that is not happening. (If you helped with a home down payment or babysat now and then with the expectation they would move you in...you should have made it clear your generosity had strings. So, before you do something, simply say..."If I do x, y,z, I expect you to care for me until the day I die" so they can decline your offer.
3.) Be realistic. If your adult children started families later and will have kids at home when you need them, those kids need to come before you. Plan accordingly. Your adult children could develop health issues or have emergencies of their own. Don't assume they will be able to come the second you need them
4.) Be realistic about sibling relationships. Don't expect siblings with no relationship to work well together, and pay attention to mild dysfunction too. Have discussions with them separately about your thoughts and allow input before meeting with everyone together.
5.) If one sibling is at risk of causing chaos with the others, considering hiring outside professionals like lawyers and accountants to deal with wills trust when you pass and even consider hiring a professional to be financial POA and health POA. The adult children are free to check paperwork and consult.
6.) Try to avoid financial favoritism unless there is a child with SN who needs to be provided for...Yes, you can do as you please with your money and yes, it more often than not creates waves

This x1000. My mother named the stepfather who abused me horribly, who was the reason I would not go to her house, as co-trustee on her trust with the intention of forcing us to handle her entire estate together after she died. The ramifications are still hurting my family many years later.

[Anonymous]

Give your kids a copy of your will in advance and do not update it without telling them (and sharing the new copy). That way if they have questions they can talk to you about it. It can be very painful to wonder why a parent did something a certain way and not be able to ask because by the time you see the will, they are gone.