s/o Things to keep your family harmonious as you age

[Anonymous]

This is a spin off on the thread about aging elder issues causing rifts between siblings. Wanted to crowdsource how we all avoid this for our kids. Unfortunately, aging into a raging lunatic does run on one side of my family so I will be exploring death with dignity in another country as I get closer that age depending on what new research comes out about prevention..

Here are my ideas. please add to them and feel free to disagree

1.) Move to a CCRC while still able bodied and eager to make more friends
2.) Start conversations with you adult children regarding your plans for aging and their role long before you need their help. Listen to their thoughts and be empathetic. Whether you are a billionaire and they may inherit a ton or don't have a penny to your name, you will likely one day be in need of an adult child to help in some capacity so treat adult children kindly, be realistic and don't try to abuse them into being your slave. Be ready to adapt if they find your expectations of their role over the top. If you expect to move in with them and haven't ever discussed that, get it on the table so you know in advance if that is not happening. (If you helped with a home down payment or babysat now and then with the expectation they would move you in...you should have made it clear your generosity had strings. So, before you do something, simply say..."If I do x, y,z, I expect you to care for me until the day I die" so they can decline your offer.
3.) Be realistic. If your adult children started families later and will have kids at home when you need them, those kids need to come before you. Plan accordingly. Your adult children could develop health issues or have emergencies of their own. Don't assume they will be able to come the second you need them
4.) Be realistic about sibling relationships. Don't expect siblings with no relationship to work well together, and pay attention to mild dysfunction too. Have discussions with them separately about your thoughts and allow input before meeting with everyone together.
5.) If one sibling is at risk of causing chaos with the others, considering hiring outside professionals like lawyers and accountants to deal with wills trust when you pass and even consider hiring a professional to be financial POA and health POA. The adult children are free to check paperwork and consult.
6.) Try to avoid financial favoritism unless there is a child with SN who needs to be provided for...Yes, you can do as you please with your money and yes, it more often than not creates waves

[Anonymous]

Have healthy emotional balance in your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have healthy emotional balance in your life

OMG yes.... That should be number1 ! Your adult children cannot become the only social outlet in your life. Maintain friends. Have hobbies. If you are worried all the time, see a therapist-don't calland text adult child 12x a day to release the anxiety. This is where living in a community with other retired people comes in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a spin off on the thread about aging elder issues causing rifts between siblings. Wanted to crowdsource how we all avoid this for our kids. Unfortunately, aging into a raging lunatic does run on one side of my family so I will be exploring death with dignity in another country as I get closer that age depending on what new research comes out about prevention..

Here are my ideas. please add to them and feel free to disagree

1.) Move to a CCRC while still able bodied and eager to make more friends
2.) Start conversations with you adult children regarding your plans for aging and their role long before you need their help. Listen to their thoughts and be empathetic. Whether you are a billionaire and they may inherit a ton or don't have a penny to your name, you will likely one day be in need of an adult child to help in some capacity so treat adult children kindly, be realistic and don't try to abuse them into being your slave. Be ready to adapt if they find your expectations of their role over the top. If you expect to move in with them and haven't ever discussed that, get it on the table so you know in advance if that is not happening. (If you helped with a home down payment or babysat now and then with the expectation they would move you in...you should have made it clear your generosity had strings. So, before you do something, simply say..."If I do x, y,z, I expect you to care for me until the day I die" so they can decline your offer.
3.) Be realistic. If your adult children started families later and will have kids at home when you need them, those kids need to come before you. Plan accordingly. Your adult children could develop health issues or have emergencies of their own. Don't assume they will be able to come the second you need them
4.) Be realistic about sibling relationships. Don't expect siblings with no relationship to work well together, and pay attention to mild dysfunction too. Have discussions with them separately about your thoughts and allow input before meeting with everyone together.
5.) If one sibling is at risk of causing chaos with the others, considering hiring outside professionals like lawyers and accountants to deal with wills trust when you pass and even consider hiring a professional to be financial POA and health POA. The adult children are free to check paperwork and consult.
6.) Try to avoid financial favoritism unless there is a child with SN who needs to be provided for...Yes, you can do as you please with your money and yes, it more often than not creates waves

This is a great list.

[Anonymous]

This is so excellent. I'm a long way from this (67, single, will keep working until death if possible, in great health) but at least one of my 2 kids has shared their worry about my finances for the 1/3 of my life remaining, should I inherit my parents' longevity. I shared my long-term plans which eased their mind.

My parents prepared for their dotage, moving into a fun senior CCRC for military, near the beach in Florida. They could afford it by committing all their equity and social security) None of us had to worry when my dad suddenly became disabled and my mom developed dementia. The only thing we siblings had to do was to rent a condo nearby for rotating visits for their remaining years. We didn't need to support them in any way because they planned ahead.

[Anonymous]

12:44 again, the one thing that did make us worry is that once skilled nursing was needed, we believed he needed an advocate: the staff didn't always act with my dad's interests in mind. Though he was sharp as a tack and determined to recover and go back to their assisted living apartment, some of the staff treated him as if he was a goner, and they didn't want to be bothered with his recovery work ethic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a spin off on the thread about aging elder issues causing rifts between siblings. Wanted to crowdsource how we all avoid this for our kids. Unfortunately, aging into a raging lunatic does run on one side of my family so I will be exploring death with dignity in another country as I get closer that age depending on what new research comes out about prevention..

Here are my ideas. please add to them and feel free to disagree

1.) Move to a CCRC while still able bodied and eager to make more friends
2.) Start conversations with you adult children regarding your plans for aging and their role long before you need their help. Listen to their thoughts and be empathetic. Whether you are a billionaire and they may inherit a ton or don't have a penny to your name, you will likely one day be in need of an adult child to help in some capacity so treat adult children kindly, be realistic and don't try to abuse them into being your slave. Be ready to adapt if they find your expectations of their role over the top. If you expect to move in with them and haven't ever discussed that, get it on the table so you know in advance if that is not happening. (If you helped with a home down payment or babysat now and then with the expectation they would move you in...you should have made it clear your generosity had strings. So, before you do something, simply say..."If I do x, y,z, I expect you to care for me until the day I die" so they can decline your offer.
3.) Be realistic. If your adult children started families later and will have kids at home when you need them, those kids need to come before you. Plan accordingly. Your adult children could develop health issues or have emergencies of their own. Don't assume they will be able to come the second you need them
4.) Be realistic about sibling relationships. Don't expect siblings with no relationship to work well together, and pay attention to mild dysfunction too. Have discussions with them separately about your thoughts and allow input before meeting with everyone together.
5.) If one sibling is at risk of causing chaos with the others, considering hiring outside professionals like lawyers and accountants to deal with wills trust when you pass and even consider hiring a professional to be financial POA and health POA. The adult children are free to check paperwork and consult.
6.) Try to avoid financial favoritism unless there is a child with SN who needs to be provided for...Yes, you can do as you please with your money and yes, it more often than not creates waves

Is this an ad from one of the CCRCs entering the DMV market? LOL.

[Anonymous]

The only thing this list forgets is that relationships are a 2-way street, and human relationships are messy -- even the best ones. To assume you're just going to fade out might really tank your relationship because of your thoughts, no matter what your adult kids think. You may also want to assume that your grandkids will want to hang out with you. Honestly, the i-don't-wanna-be-a-burden people, can sometimes be a burden in their rigidity and closed-off nature.

[Anonymous]

Put your paperwork together for your adult children in case something happens. Account numbers and locations, list of contacts, POAs, list of utilities, mortgage, etc.

It would be such a load off my mind if I knew I could vet all this i formation if an unforseen even happens.

[Anonymous]

*get all this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing this list forgets is that relationships are a 2-way street, and human relationships are messy -- even the best ones. To assume you're just going to fade out might really tank your relationship because of your thoughts, no matter what your adult kids think. You may also want to assume that your grandkids will want to hang out with you. Honestly, the i-don't-wanna-be-a-burden people, can sometimes be a burden in their rigidity and closed-off nature.

I don't understand what you are trying to say? Communicating with adult children is a 2 way street-that is the whole point. I don't get the sense anyone just assumes they will fade away without issue. We want to prepare for memory decline and other issues. Are you saying it's bad to talk about these things and it would be better for our relationships to not talk about it ever? I am very confused about what you are trying to convey.

[Anonymous]

I will add, don’t play your adult children off each other. Don’t complain to one child about the way another child may be taking care of you. Especially if there is one primary caregiving child because of proximity or ability or what have you, speak well of that child to your other children (unless there are serious issues, abuse etc). This may be hard if dementia sets in, but I’ve seen adult sibling relationships fray because the aging parent says or agrees to one thing with the caregiving child and then complains about that child (they’re taking away my autonomy; they’re making me have an aide that I don’t want; they won’t let me drive anymore, etc) to their other child, and that leads to arguments between the two adult children. It’s sad to see because it’s the last thing the parent wants and the parent sometimes doesn’t even realize they’re doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:44 again, the one thing that did make us worry is that once skilled nursing was needed, we believed he needed an advocate: the staff didn't always act with my dad's interests in mind. Though he was sharp as a tack and determined to recover and go back to their assisted living apartment, some of the staff treated him as if he was a goner, and they didn't want to be bothered with his recovery work ethic.

Many people don't realize this is why the elderly die so quickly after something that requires added help. Surgery, some sort of illness (the flu, as an example) that would just be a recovery period for non-elderly. Something as curable as an UTI takes out the elder due to lack of care. My dad would have been dead in a month but we stepped in and dealt with it. But that also meant that it was our responsibility for the next 19 months until he passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a spin off on the thread about aging elder issues causing rifts between siblings. Wanted to crowdsource how we all avoid this for our kids. Unfortunately, aging into a raging lunatic does run on one side of my family so I will be exploring death with dignity in another country as I get closer that age depending on what new research comes out about prevention..

Here are my ideas. please add to them and feel free to disagree

1.) Move to a CCRC while still able bodied and eager to make more friends
2.) Start conversations with you adult children regarding your plans for aging and their role long before you need their help. Listen to their thoughts and be empathetic. Whether you are a billionaire and they may inherit a ton or don't have a penny to your name, you will likely one day be in need of an adult child to help in some capacity so treat adult children kindly, be realistic and don't try to abuse them into being your slave. Be ready to adapt if they find your expectations of their role over the top. If you expect to move in with them and haven't ever discussed that, get it on the table so you know in advance if that is not happening. (If you helped with a home down payment or babysat now and then with the expectation they would move you in...you should have made it clear your generosity had strings. So, before you do something, simply say..."If I do x, y,z, I expect you to care for me until the day I die" so they can decline your offer.
3.) Be realistic. If your adult children started families later and will have kids at home when you need them, those kids need to come before you. Plan accordingly. Your adult children could develop health issues or have emergencies of their own. Don't assume they will be able to come the second you need them
4.) Be realistic about sibling relationships. Don't expect siblings with no relationship to work well together, and pay attention to mild dysfunction too. Have discussions with them separately about your thoughts and allow input before meeting with everyone together.
5.) If one sibling is at risk of causing chaos with the others, considering hiring outside professionals like lawyers and accountants to deal with wills trust when you pass and even consider hiring a professional to be financial POA and health POA. The adult children are free to check paperwork and consult.
6.) Try to avoid financial favoritism unless there is a child with SN who needs to be provided for...Yes, you can do as you please with your money and yes, it more often than not creates waves

Is this an ad from one of the CCRCs entering the DMV market? LOL.

What do you propose as an alternative?

[Anonymous]

The people who would follow this type of advice are not the people who need this advice.

Like - Don’t be abusive to your adult kids? Abusive people don’t believe they are abusive and non-abusive people don’t need to be told not to be abusive, so not really sure how that translates into useful advice.