Teacher on American parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents telling their kids they are special is completely and totally unrelated to the problems in schools and parenting. Majority of 3rd graders in the US cannot read. And it isn’t because their parents told them they were special too frequently.

Problems are caused by both underparenting and overparenting.

[Anonymous]

When parenting moved away from harsh tactics, the level of placating kept going up and up. The snacks, the water bottles, the enrichment activities, the indoor play places, the stickers etc etc etc.

So children expect to be placated and catered to. Because that’s what pediatricians and child psychologists told us to do.

Schools have converted to entertaining (oh excuse me, they call it “engagement”). How’s that working out?

I’m not saying go back to the old way but how the heck do you raise a not entitled kid these days? I’ve got chores and let them be bored but after that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When parenting moved away from harsh tactics, the level of placating kept going up and up. The snacks, the water bottles, the enrichment activities, the indoor play places, the stickers etc etc etc.

So children expect to be placated and catered to. Because that’s what pediatricians and child psychologists told us to do.

Schools have converted to entertaining (oh excuse me, they call it “engagement”). How’s that working out?

I’m not saying go back to the old way but how the heck do you raise a not entitled kid these days? I’ve got chores and let them be bored but after that?

What? The things that contribute to bad kid behavior are not water bottles and indoor play places. That’s crazy talk. There was an indoor play place near where I grew up in the early/mid 90s and I’m solidly Millennial.

I do think the issues of bad kid behavior and poor achievement in schools are separate. Unfortunately you can’t make kids and parents care about achievement.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree modern American parenting is a disaster for everyone. Exhausting for the parents, soul-destroying for the kids, and creating a monstrous nation of self-obsessed little sh!ts.

Kids need to be taught manners and ignored more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amen. You see it on here all the time. Parents try to curate a world in which their kid’s every single whim is catered to, instead of expecting them to adapt to their environment.

I've told my kids since they were older ES that they are special... to me, but not to the rest of the world. That rules apply to them as much as to the next person.

They are now teens, and they have both been counselors and tutors to kids, and they have both complained to me about unruly kids and how frustrating they are.

I looked at them and said, "Now you know how parents and teachers feel. Can you imagine the teacher having to deal with 30 kids per class? Make sure you behave in class." They say they do, and I've gotten no complaints about them. One is in college now.

🤔 No child has ever thrived by their parents telling them they’re not special. All kids are special and unique, and need to grow into those character traits in a healthy way. Parenting a child well doesn’t mean you tell them there’s nothing special about them, what a weird take.

Ask Bankman and Fried what happens to kids whose parents keep telling them how special they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amen. You see it on here all the time. Parents try to curate a world in which their kid’s every single whim is catered to, instead of expecting them to adapt to their environment.

I've told my kids since they were older ES that they are special... to me, but not to the rest of the world. That rules apply to them as much as to the next person.

They are now teens, and they have both been counselors and tutors to kids, and they have both complained to me about unruly kids and how frustrating they are.

I looked at them and said, "Now you know how parents and teachers feel. Can you imagine the teacher having to deal with 30 kids per class? Make sure you behave in class." They say they do, and I've gotten no complaints about them. One is in college now.

🤔 No child has ever thrived by their parents telling them they’re not special. All kids are special and unique, and need to grow into those character traits in a healthy way. Parenting a child well doesn’t mean you tell them there’s nothing special about them, what a weird take.

DP. That’s not what she said and I agree with her. Telling your kids they are special and unique can often do more harm than good.

^Pp here.. exactly, and that is the problem that the teacher is addressing. All people are unique in their own way but that doesn't make them "special" in the sense that rules don't apply to them.

My kids are now teens, and they each have something special about them, a talent or ability that many others don't have. That still doesn't make them that special because there will always be someone who is more talented or has more ability than my kids do, and they know that.

DC was the top dog in a specific subject in their class group, and started to have an inflated ego about it. I was very mindful about this and kept telling DC that there are smarter kids out there who are better at this subject than they are. Now, in college, DC sees that. It did not lower their self esteem because I made sure that DC was realistic about their ability compared to other high achievers.

I do not want them to have an outsized sense of self. A good self esteem is important, but not an over inflated ego.

As parents, we need to teach our kids both - to have a good self esteem but not an over inflated ego.

Telling your kids that they are special and better than everyone else gives them an over inflated ego. Telling them that they are smart and talented, and working to achieve a goal but sometimes failing is an important part of that journey, is giving them good self esteem.

There's a difference between the two, and it doesn't mean telling your kids that they are "special", as in, better than everyone else.

Lady, you’ve got kids in college. From what I’ve seen lately, that’s not exactly the generation I want my parenting to produce.

Sounds like your parents told you that you are special. Come back in 10 years and report how much you spent on therapy for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree modern American parenting is a disaster for everyone. Exhausting for the parents, soul-destroying for the kids, and creating a monstrous nation of self-obsessed little sh!ts.

Kids need to be taught manners and ignored more.

+1

It was 10+ years ago that the European psychologist said we need to spank little kids more. No one listened to him and I guess he gave up.

But he was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents telling their kids they are special is completely and totally unrelated to the problems in schools and parenting. Majority of 3rd graders in the US cannot read. And it isn’t because their parents told them they were special too frequently.

Problems are caused by both underparenting and overparenting.

The vast majority (or all) of the problems in education and our country are not from "over-parenting"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents telling their kids they are special is completely and totally unrelated to the problems in schools and parenting. Majority of 3rd graders in the US cannot read. And it isn’t because their parents told them they were special too frequently.

Problems are caused by both underparenting and overparenting.

The vast majority (or all) of the problems in education and our country are not from "over-parenting"

+1. Like it or not, teachers are clamoring to work in those high SES “overparenting” areas. I grew up in a pretty nice area, certainly not as high SES as a place like McLean or Vienna here but definitely universally middle and upper middle class for the area. The only open job postings they have right now is one special education position at the middle school, bus drivers, and substitutes. The district next door which is smaller and more rural has a part time kindergarten aide position open, bus drivers, and substitutes. It does help that the area is lower COL so a teacher’s salary goes further. But the city district nearby which has its share of problems has quite a few classroom positions open and not just in special education - so it’s not just a COL thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree modern American parenting is a disaster for everyone. Exhausting for the parents, soul-destroying for the kids, and creating a monstrous nation of self-obsessed little sh!ts.

Kids need to be taught manners and ignored more.

I don't know if I completely understand the teacher's point. If it's about teaching respect for others and that others' needs should be considered when you act or speak, then I agree. If I'm honest, though, traditional conventions of civility and manners are now frowned upon as vestiges of injustice and systemic racism. While there is truth to the view that old-school views on manners historically were wielded offensively to disadvantage others, it's increasingly difficult to teach kids to consider and respect others' rights when so few people are doing it.

I'll also say, as a parent who never told my kids they are the center of the universe, it's a balancing act to help them cultivate self-confidence in a "me-centric" world. I have one kid who, for various reasons, has internalized the messages telling him to shut up and listen to an unhealthy point where he feels he has nothing to offer. There's an art to developing confidence, balancing your needs with those of others, and not letting one overshadow the other. I'm a middle-aged woman, and I'm still working on it; we shouldn't expect kids to do this perfectly.

[Anonymous]

it’s hilarious to me that someone could look at problems in school and instead of looking at what the *school* is doing, blame parents! The problem with child behavior in school is due to the school system’s increasing refusal to focus on, you know, teaching kids content. Instead of books, tests, homework, and ambitious expectations, we have group work, endless focus on “concepts”, homework eliminated as “inequitable.” Even putting kids in tables together instead of desks in rows.

My kid had an absolutely fabulous Kindergarten teacher who knew how to keep kids in line and also focused on content (phonics and basic math skills). That was the best year in school he had. Every year since has been worse as teachers seem to be focused on teaching to an imaginary ideal as opposed to actually teaching kids content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amen. You see it on here all the time. Parents try to curate a world in which their kid’s every single whim is catered to, instead of expecting them to adapt to their environment.

I've told my kids since they were older ES that they are special... to me, but not to the rest of the world. That rules apply to them as much as to the next person.

They are now teens, and they have both been counselors and tutors to kids, and they have both complained to me about unruly kids and how frustrating they are.

I looked at them and said, "Now you know how parents and teachers feel. Can you imagine the teacher having to deal with 30 kids per class? Make sure you behave in class." They say they do, and I've gotten no complaints about them. One is in college now.

🤔 No child has ever thrived by their parents telling them they’re not special. All kids are special and unique, and need to grow into those character traits in a healthy way. Parenting a child well doesn’t mean you tell them there’s nothing special about them, what a weird take.

DP. That’s not what she said and I agree with her. Telling your kids they are special and unique can often do more harm than good.

^Pp here.. exactly, and that is the problem that the teacher is addressing. All people are unique in their own way but that doesn't make them "special" in the sense that rules don't apply to them.

My kids are now teens, and they each have something special about them, a talent or ability that many others don't have. That still doesn't make them that special because there will always be someone who is more talented or has more ability than my kids do, and they know that.

DC was the top dog in a specific subject in their class group, and started to have an inflated ego about it. I was very mindful about this and kept telling DC that there are smarter kids out there who are better at this subject than they are. Now, in college, DC sees that. It did not lower their self esteem because I made sure that DC was realistic about their ability compared to other high achievers.

I do not want them to have an outsized sense of self. A good self esteem is important, but not an over inflated ego.

As parents, we need to teach our kids both - to have a good self esteem but not an over inflated ego.

Telling your kids that they are special and better than everyone else gives them an over inflated ego. Telling them that they are smart and talented, and working to achieve a goal but sometimes failing is an important part of that journey, is giving them good self esteem.

There's a difference between the two, and it doesn't mean telling your kids that they are "special", as in, better than everyone else.

Lady, you’ve got kids in college. From what I’ve seen lately, that’s not exactly the generation I want my parenting to produce.

I do have one in college and one in HS, and neither are snowflakes. I have told them repeatedly to be respectful to their teachers even if they dislike them. And they are. When they have issues with a grade, they respectfully advocate for themselves to the teacher.

My younger DC in HS has been told by her peers how "nice" they are to the servers at restaurants. DC said they see other kids being rude to the servers. Several parents have told me what a delight DC is and how respectful they are.

My kids aren't perfect, by any means, but DH and I made sure that they are respectful to people, especially to servers and teachers.

You need to separate the individual from the group. Yes, there are a lot of entitled college and HS kids out there who behave terribly in class and in public. But not all do, and I call out my kids when they do not behave respectfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it’s hilarious to me that someone could look at problems in school and instead of looking at what the *school* is doing, blame parents! The problem with child behavior in school is due to the school system’s increasing refusal to focus on, you know, teaching kids content. Instead of books, tests, homework, and ambitious expectations, we have group work, endless focus on “concepts”, homework eliminated as “inequitable.” Even putting kids in tables together instead of desks in rows.

My kid had an absolutely fabulous Kindergarten teacher who knew how to keep kids in line and also focused on content (phonics and basic math skills). That was the best year in school he had. Every year since has been worse as teachers seem to be focused on teaching to an imaginary ideal as opposed to actually teaching kids content.

oh, if only the school system would teach kids. That will make all kids behave.



-not a teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s hilarious to me that someone could look at problems in school and instead of looking at what the *school* is doing, blame parents! The problem with child behavior in school is due to the school system’s increasing refusal to focus on, you know, teaching kids content. Instead of books, tests, homework, and ambitious expectations, we have group work, endless focus on “concepts”, homework eliminated as “inequitable.” Even putting kids in tables together instead of desks in rows.

My kid had an absolutely fabulous Kindergarten teacher who knew how to keep kids in line and also focused on content (phonics and basic math skills). That was the best year in school he had. Every year since has been worse as teachers seem to be focused on teaching to an imaginary ideal as opposed to actually teaching kids content.

oh, if only the school system would teach kids. That will make all kids behave.



-not a teacher

If the school system focused on the structure of teaching and learning, yet it would help. Instead the system is increasingly full of poorly trained teachers who believe their job is teaching kids “how to think” and “how to be activists” (with of course the former cabined by the latter).

[Anonymous]

This 'my kids is special' had been going on in other countries also. Just like constant shopping and snacking, we took over the US parenting as we see it.
As for third graders not knowing how to read and write, you are talking about the children who are already behind at birth. This ABC crap being pushed in prk3/4 is too early for those kids. They should be playing til they are seven and not miss out on early childhood. Play is learning. ABC being put into a song and pushed to kids, is not play. It's interruption of their play.