Senior Living Convo with Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT let them be 90 minutes away. No more than 30 minutes unless you want to be miserable.

If the staff at the CCRC is good, 90 minutes is fine. But you do need to calculate the trade-offs between quality of center, cost of center, proximity to healthcare, and proximity to you.

My mom is at a CCRC that's hours from any of her kids, but the big problem is that her specialists are all an hour from her. If she needs to see one of them for an emergent situation on the weekend, she's SOL.

[Anonymous]

Continued care is the ideal as mentioned. My husband's parents were pleased/ Aging in place has been a disaster with my mother. Don't get sucked into one of these companies that says they do it all. If you have a difficult elder or an elder who suddenly becomes difficult with dementia you are creating a situation of a parent or both parents rotting at home. In our case the parent became combative so it was a no go for holidays even at public restaurants. Had she been properly placed we would have simply called the facility to see if it was safe to do a holiday visit and we could ensure she was properly medicated.

Also, many of these age in place services offer guardianship so it's not in their best interest to ensure the person is functioning well enough to maintain a support network to check on them. If the elder alienates everyone and the adult kids aren't able to come to town for the latest emergency you could have a situation where the elder needs to be discharged from the hospital and the agency needs to take charge.

I strongly advise against having them attempt independent living without a CCRC at the very least.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you for all the feedback. Currently my parents don't live in the DMV, they are a 5.5 hour car ride away. So while I understand the commute issues, 90 minutes one way vs over five hours sounds like a dream to me. But if they could afford a place closer in I'd be for it. I am worried about their finances as I don't think they have any savings beyond their house. And while my dad thinks he can sell it for a good price, I am more doubtful. We shall see.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

They don't have much money. They need a place that accepts medicaid (eventually). What they want may not be as important as what they can afford.

[Anonymous]

Also, at some point before their house is sold, talk to an estate lawyer about the best way to handle their assets so that if one spouse dies or needs full-time care, the other spouse isn't left destitute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not do the assisted living route. It is a money grab scheme by private equity companies. They will be left with nothing. Do the extra work and find an apartment or condo and then hire help as they need it. We went the AL route and they have successfully separated my parents from half a million with no end in sight, and they are miserable.

How much do you think help costs? Even at $25 an hour full time care is over $200,000 a year.

I don't the age of the parents - but at a certain point neither parent will be capable of self-care. And is the expectation that your mom cares for your dad? How is your mom's health? Think about the point in time when you need around-the-clock help because they can't be left alone. It adds up. The speed with which my mom went from independent living capable to not being able to do anything for herself was alarming. I would look at a lot of options- its a long an expensive road ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, at some point before their house is sold, talk to an estate lawyer about the best way to handle their assets so that if one spouse dies or needs full-time care, the other spouse isn't left destitute.

NP. This is so hugely important. Most people don't understand that if one spouse needs to go into a full-time care facility paid for by Medicaid, Medicaid will only allow the "community spouse" (the one not in need of the care) a small monthly allowance and their house. But that small monthly allowance doesn't necessarily pay for the house and food and basic needs. So community spouse has to sell, then that money is going toward Medicaid for the nursing home spouse.

I would talk to a estate lawyer before selling.

[Anonymous]

OP, your parents are relatively young in the elder care world. The older they get the more help they will need and if they aren't in a situation that someone else is taking them to doctor's appts etc., then you will have to do it. Which means 90 minutes one way is eventually going to take a toll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not do the assisted living route. It is a money grab scheme by private equity companies. They will be left with nothing. Do the extra work and find an apartment or condo and then hire help as they need it. We went the AL route and they have successfully separated my parents from half a million with no end in sight, and they are miserable.

How much do you think help costs? Even at $25 an hour full time care is over $200,000 a year.

My mother did this route for awhile. Independent senior living which was only around $900/month with no help, and then home health care aids for twice a day at 30min per visit. It kept her expenses under $2000, which bought her in total an extra 5 years before she had to move to assisted living. This went a long way towards stretching her funds out. This was in a lower COL area but the idea might still work here. That being said, if they can afford Methodist Asbury, I have heard good things about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not do the assisted living route. It is a money grab scheme by private equity companies. They will be left with nothing. Do the extra work and find an apartment or condo and then hire help as they need it. We went the AL route and they have successfully separated my parents from half a million with no end in sight, and they are miserable.

how does this play out? curious as we are nearing the impasse with DH's parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, at some point before their house is sold, talk to an estate lawyer about the best way to handle their assets so that if one spouse dies or needs full-time care, the other spouse isn't left destitute.

NP. This is so hugely important. Most people don't understand that if one spouse needs to go into a full-time care facility paid for by Medicaid, Medicaid will only allow the "community spouse" (the one not in need of the care) a small monthly allowance and their house. But that small monthly allowance doesn't necessarily pay for the house and food and basic needs. So community spouse has to sell, then that money is going toward Medicaid for the nursing home spouse.

I would talk to a estate lawyer before selling.

Good points here but NOT any estate lawyer but someone with a background PRECISELY in this area. There are a lot of estate lawyers who claim to have this expertise but do not. It's scary when a non lawyer calls a lawyer and realizes that they know more than the lawyer (who clearly was thrilled at what they were going to charge for doing nothing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your parents are relatively young in the elder care world. The older they get the more help they will need and if they aren't in a situation that someone else is taking them to doctor's appts etc., then you will have to do it. Which means 90 minutes one way is eventually going to take a toll.

TOTALLY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not do the assisted living route. It is a money grab scheme by private equity companies. They will be left with nothing. Do the extra work and find an apartment or condo and then hire help as they need it. We went the AL route and they have successfully separated my parents from half a million with no end in sight, and they are miserable.

How much do you think help costs? Even at $25 an hour full time care is over $200,000 a year.

My mother did this route for awhile. Independent senior living which was only around $900/month with no help, and then home health care aids for twice a day at 30min per visit. It kept her expenses under $2000, which bought her in total an extra 5 years before she had to move to assisted living. This went a long way towards stretching her funds out. This was in a lower COL area but the idea might still work here. That being said, if they can afford Methodist Asbury, I have heard good things about it.

Were the aides affiliated with the home? Where can someone find an aide for 2x/day @ 30 minutes/visit? How can someone support themselves on that kind of arrangement?

[Anonymous]

I’m an only, and eventually I persuaded my parents to move here. They bought a condo, on one level, with an extra bedroom that could eventually be used for a caregiver to sleep in. It also is a full service building with elevators, a staffed desk, and maintenance people. It’s five minutes away, and now that they are in their late 80s, it’s been useful for when they need my help with things like doctors appointments. We still have never needed anything more than some temporary assistance coming in to help my dad after one surgery. One thing to think about is that as an only, you will eventually wind up with that residence, so if you are able to kick in money to purchase a nice place, you will eventually get a return on that money and potentially a nice senior place for you to live when you no longer want to be in your house with stairs. At the very least it can become rental income.

[Anonymous]

We worked with a senior living advisor when our parents were deciding since all of the kids live out of state and our parents wanted to stay in the same area. They were able to explain the different types of living situations and take them on tours. Yes, they are paid by certain communities but the person we used was very upfront about that (she was also recommended by a friend). We used this company https://www.oasissenioradvisors.com/. My parents ultimately picked one where the advisor was not paid.

Going in we thought our parents would be better buying a condo in a senior facility but once they toured what they thought they wanted they changed their mind. They ended up at a CCRC in independent living that has the option to move to more assisted if need be. They've been there for about a year and a half and are finally starting to get more involved in the community. Theirs was a minimal buy in with higher monthly fees. FWIW just to give you an idea, their monthly fee for a 1BR plus den is $5,100/month in the Baltimore area.

Definitely go over all of their finances to see what they can afford. We modeled it out to see what they could afford in several scenarios like if one died before the other, if one needed to move to assisted living, if they both needed to move to assisted living, etc. Knowing what they can afford is key before starting anything else.