Parent teacher meeting - mean child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. The one piece of Advice about this situation that I gave was good. The other girl kept making mean sarcastic comments. I told DD to stay away and next time the girl made a comment to tell her not to as it’s rude and hurtful and weird. It worked wrt to personal comments.

I know the mom of the girl and she isn’t a good person. Neither is another mom (2 of the girls and their moms are best friends). As to the other 2 girl moms no idea.

We are friendly with a couple of other parents of boys. DH went to school with one of them so we hang out a lot. But the boys while they will speak to the girls outside of school when we meet socially - they won’t really hang out in school. We are leaving end of the year. It’s this year we need to ensure our child isn’t this miserable.

It was the therapist’s idea to share all the comments with the teacher as she believes it’s causing a lot of extra anxiety. Since DH disagreed I posted here.

Some PPs May be mean mommies…DCUM I had a few wanna be psychiatrists who are ready to draw conclusions about people’s personality based on one post. Not even the best of psychiatrists would do that.

If you don’t want advice, don’t post. You sound insecure. I’m sure your disagree feeds off of you.

[Anonymous]

These parents who say let their kids figure it out make me crazy. Help your kids figure it out, this as an adult you let me flail around through out MS and HS. What a miserable time. Sure, don't step in, but help the kid find/learn the tools to try to manage this. I will say, that frequently once the situation is established it is hard to undo, but try to help.

OP, I think you need outside help because you might too emotionally involved, but your DH wants to throw her to the wolves.

These parents who say just let her figure it out don't have or weren't kids who were picked on.

[Anonymous]

OP. It’s ok to give advice. I value difference of opinion. But passing judgment on people’s personalities without any real data and getting personal and negative is uncalled for unless you feel threatened. There were comments that gave opinion without prejudice.

[Anonymous]

Kindly, at first I thought you were talking about 1st or 2nd graders.

At 11, you have to help them help themselves. These friends are dead ends. Encourage your DC to disengage. Finding other people would be great, but at least move away from ones who are making her miserable.

As much as we want to fix things, it’s their life. She is moving next year, encourage her to hang out with others for the remainder of the year. You are not going to change these kids, their parents, the teacher, or the admin. Just avoid contact with the toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These parents who say let their kids figure it out make me crazy. Help your kids figure it out, this as an adult you let me flail around through out MS and HS. What a miserable time. Sure, don't step in, but help the kid find/learn the tools to try to manage this. I will say, that frequently once the situation is established it is hard to undo, but try to help.

OP, I think you need outside help because you might too emotionally involved, but your DH wants to throw her to the wolves.

These parents who say just let her figure it out don't have or weren't kids who were picked on.

The bolded.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, you're leaving at the end of the year. So you've got nothing to lose by sharing the girls' comments. The teacher will do nothing, or she will tell the girls to be kinder, which the girls might then ignore.

Also, I feel a ton of anxiety and insecurity from you, and I think you need to figure out how to not project that on your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with your husband. Your kid has to learn to deal with this. It’s part of school for every kid. She’s already in therapy for anxiety so I’m assuming she perceives lots of comments as personally targeted and vicious. I have to say, at age 11, mommy riding in to get the other kid in trouble is a risky move for her socially.

+1
Whatever skills she's learned in therapy/at home will be undermined if you try to help. Personally, I'd tell her to say something very sharp back, loud enough to get a reaction of those around. They only pick on the weak ones, so she needs to shown strength so they'll move to a new victim.

[Anonymous]

This is part of growing up. Kids need to be able to interact and deal with problems without adults interjecting to grow up and have the skills to be an independent emotionally stable adult.

https://www.npr.org/2023/10/31/1209763238/how-lack-of-independent-play-is-impacting-childrens-mental-health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. The one piece of Advice about this situation that I gave was good. The other girl kept making mean sarcastic comments. I told DD to stay away and next time the girl made a comment to tell her not to as it’s rude and hurtful and weird. It worked wrt to personal comments.

I know the mom of the girl and she isn’t a good person. Neither is another mom (2 of the girls and their moms are best friends). As to the other 2 girl moms no idea.

We are friendly with a couple of other parents of boys. DH went to school with one of them so we hang out a lot. But the boys while they will speak to the girls outside of school when we meet socially - they won’t really hang out in school. We are leaving end of the year. It’s this year we need to ensure our child isn’t this miserable.

It was the therapist’s idea to share all the comments with the teacher as she believes it’s causing a lot of extra anxiety. Since DH disagreed I posted here.

Some PPs May be mean mommies…DCUM I had a few wanna be psychiatrists who are ready to draw conclusions about people’s personality based on one post. Not even the best of psychiatrists would do that.

I could tell by your original post this was how you’d respond and that you just plan to go in there anyway. The advice said not to so you’re decided that means we are all mean. Consider that you yourself are feeding a victim complex to your daughter and really listen to your husband who knows both of you AND the situation and said not to do it. Or is he a “mean mommy” too?

[Anonymous]

Be careful, OP. Be absolutely sure that you are getting the correct version of the stories from your child.

Something similar happened to one of my DD's friends. Turns out the " victim" was making up a lot of things about a couple of kids in class. It took a while for her mother and my DD to catch on that a lot of the stories were exaggerated versions of the victim's interactions with a couple of girls whom she felt were getting too much attention from the teacher. This kid is in therapy for anxiety and is doing much better.

You seem obsessed with mean girls. I hope your daughter is not similarly obsessed.

[Anonymous]

OP, people have tried to give you good advice. But you need to be less rigid in your thinking. If you really think everyone who disagrees with you is a "mean mommy", you're going to have a very hard time in life and your daughter will too. Social situations are more complicated than that, more subtle. And it may be that your daughter is inadvertently contributing to the problem in ways that she could change, if you coached her to understand. But you have to open your mind to that, and so does your daughter.

Again I ask you, if these girls and their parents are mean, why do you want your daughter to have them as friends? You are leaving anyway. Have her avoid them and the time will soon pass.

[Anonymous]

There are mean kids everywhere. There really are. 11 is really old to be bringing in a teacher. If your DD

[Anonymous]

Disagree that 11 is too old for a parent to bring this to the teacher. Suggest following the daughter’s therapist advice and sharing this information. Did the therapist have any additional advice? Just because the teacher is informed does not mean they will choose to make specific changes to reduce your kids involvement with the others. It will allow the teacher to observe for problem behavior. It is great you have your daughter in therapy. See if you can get her into other programs outside of school to develop friendships there. Hopefully your daughter’s therapist is working with heron ways to handle the situation as best she can herself.

[Anonymous]

I’m a fifth grade teacher at a private and I’m also a parent. There’s little we can do at this age other than make sure that students treat each other kindly and respectfully in class. We have parents calling us and asking why their children weren’t invited to parties or out trick or treating. Some of my colleagues have tried to intervene in these situations, and zero of these interventions have resulted in friendships being formed. If your child is being bullied, by all means, call us. Otherwise? You need to teach your kid to find their people and develop thicker skin. Not everyone is going to be your friend, and this is only going to be more apparent in middle school. Your daughter needs to develop more confidence and resilience or she’s going to really struggle in the coming years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These parents who say let their kids figure it out make me crazy. Help your kids figure it out, this as an adult you let me flail around through out MS and HS. What a miserable time. Sure, don't step in, but help the kid find/learn the tools to try to manage this. I will say, that frequently once the situation is established it is hard to undo, but try to help.

OP, I think you need outside help because you might too emotionally involved, but your DH wants to throw her to the wolves.

These parents who say just let her figure it out don't have or weren't kids who were picked on.

Thank you for this. I always think it's bizarre that we think throwing hundreds of preteens into a school together is the best socialization method. It's a meat grinder. Those of us who were chopped to bits feel it acutely when we watch our children go through the same thing.

There is a difference between OP demanding that the teacher step in and stop all interaction between the girls (which would be futile anyway) and finding ways to support her DD. Sometimes, it's just finding ways to make the time pass faster. I had a rough 5th and 6th grade. By 8th I had found a new group of friends and it was better. There are ups and downs. OP, help your DD get through this down so she can be ready to jump on the next up.