HS academics and friend groups

[Anonymous]

My daughter was in the popular group which started in middle school. There were some kids in the learning center for help and others who were good students. They weren’t friends based on which classes they took. One of the dumb as a rock girls, per my daughter, went to BU, one went Rutgers, some others I remember were Clemson, NYU, UMass, Pepperdine. More than a couple bounced around the country to different schools. A handful like my daughter pursued the arts.

Different academically and they had their own activities, but they would get together on weekends.

[Anonymous]

I am under the impression that classmates matter. My DD really cares about who is in her class because that’s who you end up interacting with the most. I think it’s because kids do so many group projects whereas we were more independent learners when we were in school? I was thinking about this the other day, but maybe I’m wrong. Anyway, I can absolutely see how a different track can put space between friends. Your DD needs to make sure she’s initiating other activities- football games, hosting friends, mall/shopping trips, movies, whatever it is they like to do. Don’t let academic track come between them. Also, 9th grade is a great year to widen and diversify your friend circle!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS in 8th grade and I am worried about the same thing. He likes very smart nerdy boys whereas he is not as great a student as they are. He’s been able to keep up so far but for how long?
He is only allowed 2 H classes as a freshman. We agreed he would take honors bio but not honors math of his next level.
Honestly I think it is what it is. If he wants to be with his friends and is willing to work for it - I’ll be happy to support him in higher level classes. But if he doesn’t care much - there’s little I can do. I am tired of pushing him as it is.

I don’t understand why friends need to be in the same class. I doubt they’re drawn to each other by math.

[Anonymous]

Sports and band are the bigger friend factor mainly band.

[Anonymous]

Op, think for a moment about what you said. You are worrying that your daughter may lose her higher achieving friends. You know she is worthy of their friendship. Here's why you can relax. There are other kids who are worthy of the same. Plenty of very nice, worthy-of-friendship kids at all academic levels. Kids your daughter hasn't met yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS in 8th grade and I am worried about the same thing. He likes very smart nerdy boys whereas he is not as great a student as they are. He’s been able to keep up so far but for how long?
He is only allowed 2 H classes as a freshman. We agreed he would take honors bio but not honors math of his next level.
Honestly I think it is what it is. If he wants to be with his friends and is willing to work for it - I’ll be happy to support him in higher level classes. But if he doesn’t care much - there’s little I can do. I am tired of pushing him as it is.

I don’t understand why friends need to be in the same class. I doubt they’re drawn to each other by math.

Because they end up spending more time together if they are. They walk to the next class together if they are lucky, or talk before class, or doing their projects.
Yes they can hang out after class but it’s always easier to arrange with people you see a lot at school.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to go against the grain and suggest you actively try to get her into a more brainy track. You seem to accept it as a terminal diagnosis that your DD will not take hard AP classes or calculus by junior or senior year. Nothing is set in stone! Kids who show promise and improvement can be moved into higher math tracks. She wants to be with smart kids. Maybe she really has more in common with them than you realize. Get her some academic support to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

My kid’s friend groups changed a lot at the end of middle school and high school. It was all centered around sports teams and common interests outside of school, not their academic classes. They spent the most time with teammates and they ended up being their closest friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid (advanced science and math track) absolutely prefers hanging out with kids NOT in those classes. He is not a nerd. Says that before class a lot of kids in those classes talk about obscure things and are a bunch of "Well, actually..." types. He holds his own, but, yeah, is much more relaxed with the sporty or creative kids - and not saying they aren't smart. They are. Just a little more laid back and fun.

Yep this is exactly my daughter as well. She does have some friends who are highly academic but they are more like her and the exception rather than the rule id say. Or they are more class only friends (she can talk to anyone and likes to)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS in 8th grade and I am worried about the same thing. He likes very smart nerdy boys whereas he is not as great a student as they are. He’s been able to keep up so far but for how long?
He is only allowed 2 H classes as a freshman. We agreed he would take honors bio but not honors math of his next level.
Honestly I think it is what it is. If he wants to be with his friends and is willing to work for it - I’ll be happy to support him in higher level classes. But if he doesn’t care much - there’s little I can do. I am tired of pushing him as it is.

I don’t understand why friends need to be in the same class. I doubt they’re drawn to each other by math.

Because they end up spending more time together if they are. They walk to the next class together if they are lucky, or talk before class, or doing their projects.
Yes they can hang out after class but it’s always easier to arrange with people you see a lot at school.

Shared classes is certainly one avenue to make friends and sometimes that’s the common interest. But kids who play a sport or are in the band for example spend a lot of hours together and often form tighter bonds than those who share classes for a lot of different reasons. There is no right answer just multiple opportunities to find a peer group. The ideal scenario is to have multiple friend groups.

[Anonymous]

I will add that my daughter makes new friends every year through her classes and activities but she doesn’t necessarily drop old friends bc they aren’t in her classes. She still has friends who went to different high schools even after middle school. I’d coach your kid in good social skills - inviting others to do things, checking in regularly on friends you don’t see daily, and how to integrate old friends with new. These are good life skills. I see some kids who drop old friends for whoever is new and exciting - the kids who truly can go anywhere and people like them, will maintain old relationships while building new ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS in 8th grade and I am worried about the same thing. He likes very smart nerdy boys whereas he is not as great a student as they are. He’s been able to keep up so far but for how long?
He is only allowed 2 H classes as a freshman. We agreed he would take honors bio but not honors math of his next level.
Honestly I think it is what it is. If he wants to be with his friends and is willing to work for it - I’ll be happy to support him in higher level classes. But if he doesn’t care much - there’s little I can do. I am tired of pushing him as it is.

I don’t understand why friends need to be in the same class. I doubt they’re drawn to each other by math.

Because they end up spending more time together if they are. They walk to the next class together if they are lucky, or talk before class, or doing their projects.
Yes they can hang out after class but it’s always easier to arrange with people you see a lot at school.

They don't have to be but it takes a lot more work to remain friends with someone you don't see as often and high school is much larger than middle school so activities may not overlap as much. DD played a sport with friends in middle school but there were only 3 options. Now that there are many more they have all gone to different sports and it was almost impossible even with trying to get the friends together in the fall despite everyone trying really hard because everyone had conflicting sports practices. At some point it becomes easier to mostly hang out with the kids you see more often without having to try so hard.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think they have to be on the same academic track, but there needs to be some common link: a sport, a club, band. If they don’t have classes or any activities in common, I don’t see the friendship lasting- unless they happen to be your next door neighbor or extremely close proximity to your house.

[Anonymous]

It was a good thing for my younger son. Some of the kids that were prone to trouble were no longer in his orbit in high school since he was all honors/APs. For boys, especially, who you gang around with directly impacts your own success and well-being. You are also in a group that takes academics seriously. A lot if these honors kids were also on his high school sports team so that also helped.

[Anonymous]

DD has a wide variety of friends. Class friends in her higher level classes. Sport friends, some are in her class and others are in very different classes. No one seems to care much, but she didn’t keep the friends who aren’t in her classes and also aren’t in her activities. Not on purpose, they just don’t have time to interact.

Your daughter needs to be confident. Her math level doesn’t define her and friends will discuss or meet up for class assignments. And, if she really wants to continue the friendships, she needs to have more regular times they connect - band, sport, some club.