6 year old hit someone at school — consequences?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would have a brief conversation and move on. Your kid got punished at school. You have him in therapy for issues you know he has. You may end up eventually with an IEP, but you are working on this stuff already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I am 99% certain he knows it’s not ok. He has self regulation issues that he is working on in OT. We don’t do TV or desserts regularly, so there was no loss of privileges like that. Sometimes he gets a small treat if he does well at school so he didn’t get that today.

I’m not sure what “self-regulation issues mean”. If he has problems that he can’t fully control, that’s one thing. For example, if he accidentally hit someone because of a seizure, Tourette’s, or even bad depth-perception, he of course shouldn’t be punished. From your earlier description, it sounds like he made a deliberate decision (however emotional he might have been) to hit the child, which means he needs to be punished so that next time he’ll be motivated to decide differently. The loss of recess today is barely a punishment, but regardless you need to punish him. He needs to know that YOU take this seriously, and he’ll have to face YOU regardless of where he decides to hit someone or what punishment others may or may not assign him.

TV and desserts are not the issue. Making him unhappy enough to not want to repeat the consequence is. If he doesn’t get TV or desserts, surely there is something he likes that you can take away or something he doesn’t like that you can give him more of. Allowance? Time-Out? Favorite Toy? Family activity? Playdate? Chores? Surely he has some preferences you can temporarily go against. Not giving him a reward is not enough. This is obviously not the typical level of behavior that doesn’t merit the reward or you wouldn’t have posted. This is apparently notably worse, so the consequence needs to be notably worse than the consequence for his normal level of less than desirable behavior.

It's UMC for "short-tempered"

OP here

Yes, I understand how this sounds. But you really are lucky if you don't know what self-regulation issues are. This is most likely a kid with special needs (we already have the neuropsych scheduled).

Regardless, even kids with special needs need consequences to aid in learning. I'm just trying to figure out what is an appropriate consequence.

I personally think running laps, writing sentences etc. is punitive and not helpful in teaching the missing skills here. I'm also skeptical about missing treats several days later.

But thanks to those who replied with sensible options, I appreciate it. We did have a stern talking to and I believe he is clear that it should not happen again.

[Anonymous]

PS my older kid is a rule follower/ star student who literally never had an issue at school. Eats all their vegetables, never hit another kid, no electronics -- at the most we have to tell them to stop reading and go to bed.

So I have no experience when it comes to my other kid, who is sensory seeking and has difficulty with rule following. We have tried tougher consequences like timeouts and writing sentences and all that. Honestly it did not help the behavior and may have even made it worse because the self-image as "bad" created more shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would have a brief conversation and move on. Your kid got punished at school. You have him in therapy for issues you know he has. You may end up eventually with an IEP, but you are working on this stuff already.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, from what I've read it sounds as though you are working hard to help and guide your DS. Some of these posts can be helpful if it happens again, and you'll be more prepared with your plan. For this time, no need to do anything else other than have it addressed in OT, which you are.

Also, fwiw, I wouldn't have my kid writing to the a**hole kid who taunted him.

[Anonymous]

Bonk. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Even kids with special needs need to learn appropriate behavior and you can’t expect the schools to parent your kid. You have to teach right from wrong at home, too, and that doesn’t mean withholding sweets or running laps, neither of which have anything to do with the offense. Yes, talk to the kid and maybe read some picture books about hitting to him, and also have him wrote apologies.

[Anonymous]

I would have him write what he could do next time he is an such a situation and list at least five options. My kids really hated writing at that age and knowing we would ask to write something would help with the impulsive action. It also gives him a change to pre plan how to handle next time a similar situation occurs in the future. Agree with others - no apology letter to taunting child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So would you have your child write an apology note to the other child or is that over the top?

Re: desserts I guess we are going to someone’s house tomorrow and could say no desserts for the weekend. I just don’t know if it’s too removed from the behavior to feel like a consequence.

I wouldn’t make him write an apology to an a**hole kid that was taunting him—if an adult at school has confirmed that this actually happened. He had recess taken away, he was punished. I’d give a stern talking to about how hitting is never appropriate. If it happens again, you are going to have start coming up with rewards so that you can use them as leverage to take away. Some kids are more transactional than others.

Instead of an apology note, I've made my kid write a list of other options besides hitting that they could have employed in the situation, like walking away, talking to a teacher, pretending the kid is crazy for taunting, a good retort, etc. I think kids who hit often lack the ability to come up with other options, so it's helpful for them to think about them when calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I am 99% certain he knows it’s not ok. He has self regulation issues that he is working on in OT. We don’t do TV or desserts regularly, so there was no loss of privileges like that. Sometimes he gets a small treat if he does well at school so he didn’t get that today.

I’m not sure what “self-regulation issues mean”. If he has problems that he can’t fully control, that’s one thing. For example, if he accidentally hit someone because of a seizure, Tourette’s, or even bad depth-perception, he of course shouldn’t be punished. From your earlier description, it sounds like he made a deliberate decision (however emotional he might have been) to hit the child, which means he needs to be punished so that next time he’ll be motivated to decide differently. The loss of recess today is barely a punishment, but regardless you need to punish him. He needs to know that YOU take this seriously, and he’ll have to face YOU regardless of where he decides to hit someone or what punishment others may or may not assign him.

TV and desserts are not the issue. Making him unhappy enough to not want to repeat the consequence is. If he doesn’t get TV or desserts, surely there is something he likes that you can take away or something he doesn’t like that you can give him more of. Allowance? Time-Out? Favorite Toy? Family activity? Playdate? Chores? Surely he has some preferences you can temporarily go against. Not giving him a reward is not enough. This is obviously not the typical level of behavior that doesn’t merit the reward or you wouldn’t have posted. This is apparently notably worse, so the consequence needs to be notably worse than the consequence for his normal level of less than desirable behavior.

It's UMC for "short-tempered"

OP here

Yes, I understand how this sounds. But you really are lucky if you don't know what self-regulation issues are. This is most likely a kid with special needs (we already have the neuropsych scheduled).

Regardless, even kids with special needs need consequences to aid in learning. I'm just trying to figure out what is an appropriate consequence.

I personally think running laps, writing sentences etc. is punitive and not helpful in teaching the missing skills here. I'm also skeptical about missing treats several days later.

But thanks to those who replied with sensible options, I appreciate it. We did have a stern talking to and I believe he is clear that it should not happen again.

OP, as someone who went through this process with my child, I would move this to the special needs forum. They will be able to provide better guidance than most of the folks here who do not have children who become easily dysregulated, and I don't mean that as an insult to anyone. If your child is like mine, no consequence will make a difference because he cannot control his impulses when dysregulated. You're going through the process now so I hope once it's concluded, if it's a matter of medicating, your child has the same results as mine-no more acting impulsively because of dysregulation. Night and day child.

[Anonymous]

Everyone advocating consequences to make the kid unhappy enough not to repeat the behavior fails to realize a 6 year old who hits out of anger or frustration is not thinking about any reward or consequence in the moment. Even as adults we sometimes do something out of frustration or anger we regret when we know there are consequences to our behavior. They are not stopping and thinking, “hmm I don’t like being teased and I feel like hitting. Would I rather hit them and lose video time or not hit and get video time tonight”

The “punishment” we use in similar cases is simply the time taken discussing the incident, talking about better choices, reading books and practicing strategies to recognize and diffuse building tension, and role playing asking an adult for help before losing control. This work takes time my child would rather spend playing with their legos. Consequences might also mean avoiding triggering circumstances. For example even if my child wants to play on the playground after school I will not allow them to if the previous day they struggled to control themselves appropriately. This is to keep them and others safe and I explain it that way. It is not a punishment to make them unhappy. They feel shame about their behavior afterwards. They often cry when discussing the incident hours after it occurs. They are getting better with repeated practice and support at school from their 1st grade teacher.

OP- your child is struggling and getting help. We don’t punish a kid struggling to read- we support them. Keep supporting your kid as they learn how to regulate their emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone advocating consequences to make the kid unhappy enough not to repeat the behavior fails to realize a 6 year old who hits out of anger or frustration is not thinking about any reward or consequence in the moment. Even as adults we sometimes do something out of frustration or anger we regret when we know there are consequences to our behavior. They are not stopping and thinking, “hmm I don’t like being teased and I feel like hitting. Would I rather hit them and lose video time or not hit and get video time tonight”

The “punishment” we use in similar cases is simply the time taken discussing the incident, talking about better choices, reading books and practicing strategies to recognize and diffuse building tension, and role playing asking an adult for help before losing control. This work takes time my child would rather spend playing with their legos. Consequences might also mean avoiding triggering circumstances. For example even if my child wants to play on the playground after school I will not allow them to if the previous day they struggled to control themselves appropriately. This is to keep them and others safe and I explain it that way. It is not a punishment to make them unhappy. They feel shame about their behavior afterwards. They often cry when discussing the incident hours after it occurs. They are getting better with repeated practice and support at school from their 1st grade teacher.

OP- your child is struggling and getting help. We don’t punish a kid struggling to read- we support them. Keep supporting your kid as they learn how to regulate their emotions.

OP here

This makes a lot of sense. Thanks. This is more or less what we have been doing. I guess I just questioned it when I saw the other posts about consequences.

Thank you also to those who replied re: special needs. You are right that this is a very different kind of challenge. However I’ve seen consequences help with keeping him on track before, and I know that parenting without consequences will not be helpful to him in the long run.

We are adding in more role play to practice. He’s gotten a lot better about keeping hands to himself over the last year so I’m really hopeful this will resolve with time. He is overly sensitive to other kids’ teasing (rejection dysphoria-like reactions, for the ADHD parents out there) so we need to help him with that also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS my older kid is a rule follower/ star student who literally never had an issue at school. Eats all their vegetables, never hit another kid, no electronics -- at the most we have to tell them to stop reading and go to bed.

So I have no experience when it comes to my other kid, who is sensory seeking and has difficulty with rule following. We have tried tougher consequences like timeouts and writing sentences and all that. Honestly it did not help the behavior and may have even made it worse because the self-image as "bad" created more shame.

OP, I empathize. I have a rule follower oldest who constantly wins awards at school, great grades, star athlete, etc. and a youngest who really struggles to regulate himself and has hit at school on occasion. When he’s regulated he is so sweet, smart, and genuinely likes to make people happy, but he’s also impulsive and overly sensitive to things like taunts. All the parenting tricks that worked with my NT kid do not work with him. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD/ASD and we are exploring a tic disorder now as well.

I know there are other parents who just blow kids like mine off as being bad when he reacts poorly to situations, which honestly hurts my heart, or who probably think I’m not strict enough. But it’s just SO hard and his brain doesn’t work in a way that ultimatums, punishments, or even positive discipline work. If anything a lot of this stuff makes it worse. I recommend posting in the SNs forum because you’re not going to get helpful advice from people with NT kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS my older kid is a rule follower/ star student who literally never had an issue at school. Eats all their vegetables, never hit another kid, no electronics -- at the most we have to tell them to stop reading and go to bed.

So I have no experience when it comes to my other kid, who is sensory seeking and has difficulty with rule following. We have tried tougher consequences like timeouts and writing sentences and all that. Honestly it did not help the behavior and may have even made it worse because the self-image as "bad" created more shame.

OP, I empathize. I have a rule follower oldest who constantly wins awards at school, great grades, star athlete, etc. and a youngest who really struggles to regulate himself and has hit at school on occasion. When he’s regulated he is so sweet, smart, and genuinely likes to make people happy, but he’s also impulsive and overly sensitive to things like taunts. All the parenting tricks that worked with my NT kid do not work with him. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD/ASD and we are exploring a tic disorder now as well.

I know there are other parents who just blow kids like mine off as being bad when he reacts poorly to situations, which honestly hurts my heart, or who probably think I’m not strict enough. But it’s just SO hard and his brain doesn’t work in a way that ultimatums, punishments, or even positive discipline work. If anything a lot of this stuff makes it worse. I recommend posting in the SNs forum because you’re not going to get helpful advice from people with NT kids.

Thank you — yes, this is very similar to what we’re dealing with. He is so sweet and loving, and genuinely wants to please and be loved. It does break my heart that he gets so much redirection and I wonder if other parents do think we are too lax. But we’ve tried everything and it just doesn’t help, sometimes it hurts as you said.

Is your child on medication?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would have a brief conversation and move on. Your kid got punished at school. You have him in therapy for issues you know he has. You may end up eventually with an IEP, but you are working on this stuff already.

+1

It’s overkill at this age, especially since you are already working on it.

Are they working on coping skills in therapy? I would talk about what to do next time when he feels that impulse.