People married to jerks end up kind of jerks themselves

[Anonymous]

It’s protective. You have to build a shell to survive with a toxic partner. But day in and day out, it becomes habit. It’s tough to watch someone succumb to the negativity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Couples absolutely rub off on each other. My childhood friend married a douche who is super competitive, superficial and mean, and she’s become competitive and has no empathy for anyone!

Sometimes I wonder if maybe those behaviors were there under the surface all along. Because why would someone be attracted to someone who is super competitive, superficial, and mean, if they don't share those traits to some degree? Like I date men like that before I got married and never made it more than a few dates before I realized they were just not for me. That's about how long it took for those traits to emerge.

So when friends of mine have ended up with men like that, part of me wonders it some part of them was always like that, but they are just skilled at covering it up and acting nice on the surface. And then when they start behaving like their spouse, it's really their true self coming out.

I used to have a colleague who was very nasty and mean and she told me once that she always kind of likes it when she meets someone who is a bit of a jerk because she thinks "ah, a kindred spirit." It actually explained a lot to me about certain dynamics I've encountered, both at work and socially. Misery definitely loves company.

OP - I don’t think the nice ones start off like that. During courtship, the nice one is probably wooed/naive to it. In my friend’s case, she’s not nasty but just losing some empathy. I think she views me complaining about my now-exDH as whiny when she puts up with her DH. I chose to leave and have since seen how good a partner can be, and I think it’s easier for her to pretend it doesn’t exist. And maybe it doesn’t exist for her, if she wants to stay in her current marriage.

Looks like you are sure that your life is superior to your friend’s in all aspects, but your friend does not want to accept that.

Now wondering who is TA here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Couples absolutely rub off on each other. My childhood friend married a douche who is super competitive, superficial and mean, and she’s become competitive and has no empathy for anyone!

Sometimes I wonder if maybe those behaviors were there under the surface all along. Because why would someone be attracted to someone who is super competitive, superficial, and mean, if they don't share those traits to some degree? Like I date men like that before I got married and never made it more than a few dates before I realized they were just not for me. That's about how long it took for those traits to emerge.

So when friends of mine have ended up with men like that, part of me wonders it some part of them was always like that, but they are just skilled at covering it up and acting nice on the surface. And then when they start behaving like their spouse, it's really their true self coming out.

I used to have a colleague who was very nasty and mean and she told me once that she always kind of likes it when she meets someone who is a bit of a jerk because she thinks "ah, a kindred spirit." It actually explained a lot to me about certain dynamics I've encountered, both at work and socially. Misery definitely loves company.

OP - I don’t think the nice ones start off like that. During courtship, the nice one is probably wooed/naive to it. In my friend’s case, she’s not nasty but just losing some empathy. I think she views me complaining about my now-exDH as whiny when she puts up with her DH. I chose to leave and have since seen how good a partner can be, and I think it’s easier for her to pretend it doesn’t exist. And maybe it doesn’t exist for her, if she wants to stay in her current marriage.

Looks like you are sure that your life is superior to your friend’s in all aspects, but your friend does not want to accept that.

Now wondering who is TA here.

OP - PP, one of us is giving off bitter vibes, and it’s not me. Call it what you want. Sounds like you need to get laid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone on this board called it “catching fleas” and that is what it is. DH was nasty and irritable, I became nasty and irritable to cope, everyone was mean. Now things are better.

How did that improve?

Usually divorce

[Anonymous]

Dave was a good dude.

Then he met Kim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dave was a good dude.

Then he met Kim.

What????

[Anonymous]

I was married to a jerk. Then I divorced him... because he was a jerk (to put it very simply and lightly).

[Anonymous]

OMG - this might be me.

My husband is really mean. He is loyal and kind until it doesn’t go his way and then he’s out for blood (with me, my mother, our teenage son). In almost all disagreements, he hits below the belt. He’s out to win rather than solve the problem.

He sees no value in friends but constantly forgives his family who have not been kind to me or my teenage son. Our younger son has a serious mean streak and what’s interesting is that my husband is so kind and patient with him. He’s only nice to him. Our older child is so kind but has definitely been influenced by his fathers mean comments and need for control. He’s more shy and empathetic. I know he loves his dad but avoids him.

I was an emotionally neglected child whose parents made me grow up fast because they were busy traveling and going out with friends. I became a bit of a fighter because I needed to (by fighter I just mean standing up for myself or for what is right. I’ve never been in a physical fight and don’t look for conflict.)

My husband has influenced my sense of confidence when arguing with others but I live in fear I will fight as dirty as he does.

This is an interesting question OP and is really making me think. I wonder what my life would be like if I married a happy person.

[Anonymous]

Yes, 100%.

Same scenario.

My father is a jerk and extremely manipulative, so he has definitely changed my mother into someone similar.

They drive everyone away except for people that want something from them.

It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - this might be me.

My husband is really mean. He is loyal and kind until it doesn’t go his way and then he’s out for blood (with me, my mother, our teenage son). In almost all disagreements, he hits below the belt. He’s out to win rather than solve the problem.

He sees no value in friends but constantly forgives his family who have not been kind to me or my teenage son. Our younger son has a serious mean streak and what’s interesting is that my husband is so kind and patient with him. He’s only nice to him. Our older child is so kind but has definitely been influenced by his fathers mean comments and need for control. He’s more shy and empathetic. I know he loves his dad but avoids him.

I was an emotionally neglected child whose parents made me grow up fast because they were busy traveling and going out with friends. I became a bit of a fighter because I needed to (by fighter I just mean standing up for myself or for what is right. I’ve never been in a physical fight and don’t look for conflict.)

My husband has influenced my sense of confidence when arguing with others but I live in fear I will fight as dirty as he does.

This is an interesting question OP and is really making me think. I wonder what my life would be like if I married a happy person.

Hi PP. Your DH doesn't sound nice. After posting this I remembered the "you become the 5 people you're around the most" saying and figured that is what happened to my mom and friend. My mom got markedly meaner after the pandemic - I think maybe being around my dad more and others less caused her to change. For my friend, I think (after getting divorced myself) we tell ourselves things are normal and the way things just are when really we are deceiving ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 100%.

Same scenario.

My father is a jerk and extremely manipulative, so he has definitely changed my mother into someone similar.

They drive everyone away except for people that want something from them.

It's sad.

Wow ok that's sad. I was getting upset about my mom but now have some clarity about why she is the way she is.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, you described me! One of my friends called me out on it when I started dating now DH. But I saw how successful DH was and how much his coworkers adored / looked up to him so I ignored. I definitely think I am meaner now but I’ve also learned about how to push myself more and be a bit tougher. I probably would have made more progress if I married someone nicer who was willing to use positive affirmation to address my serious self doubt / self worth issues, but that’s a big ask of anyone and not really a reasonable expectation out of life/ a man. I try and prioritize time with girlfriends to keep me nice. Also, couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the title is true for some. I worry that the biggest jerk I know (small town know it all and bully) is abusive to his wife. She has no signs of physical abuse, but I can't imagine being married to him. She seems quiet, kind and demur. I believe he calls all the shots, and if not physical, is mentally and emotionally controlling, at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Of course they do - because we become who we surround ourselves with. And if our primary dialogue and communication is with someone jerky, it makes sense that we'd become that way.

[Anonymous]

This makes me sad. My best friend is married to a verbally and emotionally abusive jerk who won’t go to therapy. My friend so far won’t draw any lines with him for fear he’d take the kids. She’s recently starting being a jerk out of nowhere with me and it has occurred to me that being with him all the time is making her look for insults the same way he does, say things just to cut, etc.