What does it mean to "underperform" as a spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either wife or husband, I don't care. I'm the wife, BTW, would like to know what underperforming would look like for both me and my husband. Just need a reality check here - am I doing enough? Am I pulling my own weight and then some? Sex, paid work, childcare, house/yard work, emotional load ... all of it valid here.

There is no universal standard. Every couple has to find their balance. Some may need 50/50 to be a happy and efficient unit, other may work better at 60/40 or be fluid as per needed.

[Anonymous]

Of course I haven't used that term outloud. I feel as though we are both underperforming as spouses though ... both of us in terms of communication, me in terms of love I have for him, him in terms anxiety and career.

We both do fine with kids and household chores. The house runs very smoothly, and our kids are doing fine, we are a good team in that respect.

Since we both underperform in the communication area so good (or even bad) communication is obviously a struggle. We both avoid conflict and hard topics. I feel as though my husband avoid lots of topics with me, even neutral/good ones. I'm being coached, actually, to help with this, but it's like tiny little baby steps to help me figure out what needs to be said, how to say it, when to communicate, and what I want and need from communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it means your spouse is going to leave you, if they're saying things like that. At least be prepared for it.

It means that their baseline level of happiness and satisfaction isn't being met - and they'd rather be alone than deal with it any longer.

This. I didn't use this term, but we had a conversation in which I told my STBXH that I got nothing from him. I handled the vast majority of the child related, household chores. He wasn't good at giving emotional support, or taking the lead in any area. I said to him,"Is marriage to you just checking the box and then acting like you're single?" He never understood what I meant about a true partnership, even after his brother, our therapist and others tried to explain it. He understands well what he gave up by being separated, but couldn't articulate what I got from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Underperforming to me would be sitting on your a$$ while your spouse is doing chores. Do you have more free time than they do? Are you doing 50% of the kid chores/activities?

And yeah ducking 1-2x a week helps maintain the marriage and closeness. If you never duck, it's a sign that something is wrong.

Or being happily retired and doing one or two chores while letting your spouse work full time and keep more than 50% of the household chores. Gets old very fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it means your spouse is going to leave you, if they're saying things like that. At least be prepared for it.

It means that their baseline level of happiness and satisfaction isn't being met - and they'd rather be alone than deal with it any longer.

This. I didn't use this term, but we had a conversation in which I told my STBXH that I got nothing from him. I handled the vast majority of the child related, household chores. He wasn't good at giving emotional support, or taking the lead in any area. I said to him,"Is marriage to you just checking the box and then acting like you're single?" He never understood what I meant about a true partnership, even after his brother, our therapist and others tried to explain it. He understands well what he gave up by being separated, but couldn't articulate what I got from him.

Are you remarried? or living alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it means your spouse is going to leave you, if they're saying things like that. At least be prepared for it.

It means that their baseline level of happiness and satisfaction isn't being met - and they'd rather be alone than deal with it any longer.

This. I didn't use this term, but we had a conversation in which I told my STBXH that I got nothing from him. I handled the vast majority of the child related, household chores. He wasn't good at giving emotional support, or taking the lead in any area. I said to him,"Is marriage to you just checking the box and then acting like you're single?" He never understood what I meant about a true partnership, even after his brother, our therapist and others tried to explain it. He understands well what he gave up by being separated, but couldn't articulate what I got from him.

Are you remarried? or living alone?

Separated, living with our children. He sees them about 6 days a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a concrete, objective amout of work it takes to run a house and raise kids. Unless you have a really good reason for it, if you aren’t doing 50%, you are underperforming.

True

[Anonymous]

It's not a thing