Majority doesn't know how to pick good partners

[Anonymous]

Or we just need to accept that there should be fewer marriages, and none with any power or financial imbalances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People pick partners for the wrong reason, like looks, money, social status.

Many times there are red flags and people ignore because they think they will change.

You need to have a common goals, morals, values, financial strategy, be in sync about money, kids and your future.

I am not religious, but the pastor that married us made us do pre marital counseling. We had a questionnaire and met for 2 hours but there were topics that made us think and discuss for awareness. It was good. We have been married for 25 years. We’ve had ups and downs but I know I am with the right person till the end.

Look what do I know - but I am guessing the fact you both were willing (and even eager) do to that kind of intensive, religious-based counseling is what indicates a good match for you, more than your answers to the question.

We both did that and the natural family planning and the couples counseling and my ex was having affairs with men on the side. He just lied the whole time and loved natural family planning because he could have longer stretches without heterosexual sex.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people choose their partner based on who will impress their friends, rather than who they actually want.
That's why they notoriously "affair down".

Happens all the time with men marrying stick think women when they prefer curvier ones, or women marrying rich men who bore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people who pick partners for money are smart.

If I hadn’t married for earning potential the raging ADHD would have done us in long ago.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People pick partners for the wrong reason, like looks, money, social status.

Many times there are red flags and people ignore because they think they will change.

You need to have a common goals, morals, values, financial strategy, be in sync about money, kids and your future.

I am not religious, but the pastor that married us made us do pre marital counseling. We had a questionnaire and met for 2 hours but there were topics that made us think and discuss for awareness. It was good. We have been married for 25 years. We’ve had ups and downs but I know I am with the right person till the end.

We had all that. He said all the right things, we both worked, got the kids, and he unravels into a heap of unmasked aspergers and anger. It overwhelmed him and us all. If he ever retired early or gets laid off to sit around he will destroy us all and the house.

[Anonymous]

Talk is cheap.

[Anonymous]

Action and consistency is what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People pick partners for the wrong reason, like looks, money, social status.

Many times there are red flags and people ignore because they think they will change.

You need to have a common goals, morals, values, financial strategy, be in sync about money, kids and your future.

I am not religious, but the pastor that married us made us do pre marital counseling. We had a questionnaire and met for 2 hours but there were topics that made us think and discuss for awareness. It was good. We have been married for 25 years. We’ve had ups and downs but I know I am with the right person till the end.

We had all that. He said all the right things, we both worked, got the kids, and he unravels into a heap of unmasked aspergers and anger. It overwhelmed him and us all. If he ever retired early or gets laid off to sit around he will destroy us all and the house.

Same but I think mine is borderline.

I should have paid more attention to mental illness signs. They were subtle but I chalked it up to cultural differences.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that some people are better at picking and others are not, it’s that people now have options to leave and some don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People pick partners for the wrong reason, like looks, money, social status.

Many times there are red flags and people ignore because they think they will change.

You need to have a common goals, morals, values, financial strategy, be in sync about money, kids and your future.

I am not religious, but the pastor that married us made us do pre marital counseling. We had a questionnaire and met for 2 hours but there were topics that made us think and discuss for awareness. It was good. We have been married for 25 years. We’ve had ups and downs but I know I am with the right person till the end.

Look what do I know - but I am guessing the fact you both were willing (and even eager) do to that kind of intensive, religious-based counseling is what indicates a good match for you, more than your answers to the question.

I agree. The counseling was not intense or really religious per se but showed we had a common goal to always work on our marriage and that it was going to be work at times and not always easy. We had to work through our challenges together with respect. And our answers were not the same on most questions but we respected each other for them.

We are not particularly religious, Maybe attending church once a month.

Attending church once a month is pretty religious. In any case - what this indicates is that the key is to find someone with whom you share values, with whom you can compromise, and who shares your general idea of what a good life looks like together. And then so much of the rest of it is luck, and what life throws at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so we agree we need to go back to parents arranging marriages for their kids.

No. How would that help? We need to discuss marriage and family in school and colleges.

Florida just made that illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People pick partners for the wrong reason, like looks, money, social status.

Many times there are red flags and people ignore because they think they will change.

You need to have a common goals, morals, values, financial strategy, be in sync about money, kids and your future.

I am not religious, but the pastor that married us made us do pre marital counseling. We had a questionnaire and met for 2 hours but there were topics that made us think and discuss for awareness. It was good. We have been married for 25 years. We’ve had ups and downs but I know I am with the right person till the end.

Look what do I know - but I am guessing the fact you both were willing (and even eager) do to that kind of intensive, religious-based counseling is what indicates a good match for you, more than your answers to the question.

We both did that and the natural family planning and the couples counseling and my ex was having affairs with men on the side. He just lied the whole time and loved natural family planning because he could have longer stretches without heterosexual sex.

Right - there needs to be good faith and truth, also. If you're married to a liar or a sociopath, gd help you. I'm sorry you went through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's equal parts dumb luck and character traits of patience and emotional resilience.

Agree with this.

But, I do think parents need to combat media portrayals of romantic gestures, fated pairings, etc. and talk about what makes a functional marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you look at number of broken, unhappy and troubled marriages, it seems either majority of humans are either bad people, bad partners themselves or bad at picking partners.

ALL of us are imperfect, and yet most of us think we deserve a perfect partner and a fairy tale marriage. So we project our fantasies onto someone with a few admirable qualities, and then when we discover their flaws, we have the gall to feel resentful and justified in our own crappy behavior.

The majority of humans are not bad people, but the majority of humans do lack humility and fail to practice gratitude.

[Anonymous]

People change over the years. The 25-year-olds we were when we got married are not the same as the 45-year-olds we are now.