Crazy Tiger mom best friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd go low-contact.

And when you see her, just don't engage with all the comments about her daughter. Steer the conversation to something else.....

Friend: DD just won 4 new awards!
You: Wow, did you see the fall decorations at Local Spot?

But honestly, I'd check out for now---that doesn't sound like a fun way to spend time.

Good advice

[Anonymous]

Well, I wouldn’t ditch my best friend, nor would I call her out. Maybe steer her in a way that helps your daughter. Ask her point blank if she can include your DD in a project along with her DD. You say she encourages other students to sign up for whatever. If she doesn’t know much about your DDs strengths, tell her. One of the critical skills colleges are looking for is collaborative students who’ve successfully accomplished something as a team. Tell her she’d be the perfect person to spearhead this.

The other simple way to deal with this is to acknowledge whatever she’s yacking about, and then interject with— I’ve been meaning to fill you in on Larla’s thing or I just took on a new project at work or discovered a new restaurant you think she’d enjoy or let’s take the girls to skiing this winter.

[Anonymous]

"Wow, sounds like Larla is doing great! But how are YOU doing, outside of parenting? The kids are going to leave us in a few years, so we better come up with some other things to talk about! Have you tried pickle ball?"

[Anonymous]

Can you text her if she wants to go to dinner? “No kids/parenting talk tonight! Let’s just relax and have a few drinks”

[Anonymous]

Where do you meet each other?
Meet her at places like concert hall, theater, fancy restaurants, winery, etc...
less talk, more fun?

She is your BFF, hang in there. You sound like a good friend though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd go low-contact.

And when you see her, just don't engage with all the comments about her daughter. Steer the conversation to something else.....

Friend: DD just won 4 new awards!
You: Wow, did you see the fall decorations at Local Spot?

But honestly, I'd check out for now---that doesn't sound like a fun way to spend time.

If this is how you engage in a conversation, you will sound like a freak who didn't have social skills


Good advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a girl like this who went to mu daughter's school.
My own sister was kind of like this.
All I can say is that school ends one day and the kid has to be able to get along and be self directed on his/her own when there is no Ivy brand in sight anymore. That is when things get really tough for these families - there isn't a clear set of rules to follow at that point.

My observation is that some of this kids are very much self-directed but have a high level of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I wouldn’t ditch my best friend, nor would I call her out. Maybe steer her in a way that helps your daughter. Ask her point blank if she can include your DD in a project along with her DD. You say she encourages other students to sign up for whatever. If she doesn’t know much about your DDs strengths, tell her. One of the critical skills colleges are looking for is collaborative students who’ve successfully accomplished something as a team. Tell her she’d be the perfect person to spearhead this.

The other simple way to deal with this is to acknowledge whatever she’s yacking about, and then interject with— I’ve been meaning to fill you in on Larla’s thing or I just took on a new project at work or discovered a new restaurant you think she’d enjoy or let’s take the girls to skiing this winter.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is a wonderful person and we have been friends for a long time. She has a daughter (8th grade) who is incredibly talented, driven, and sweet. She has many talents and seems to win local, regional and national awards every week or two. The daughter is featured in the local (and occasionally national) news every couple of months giving interviews among various other "accolades." In addition to her artistic talent, she also participates in several clubs in/outside of school for which she serves as an officer and is constantly starting new initiatives to lead (charity drives, TED talks, school speaking initiatives). Her parents are well connected so they also set her up with various "youth" initiatives through their work that she then makes her own.
The child is truly very talented and hoping to go to Harvard, so several reasons (aside from her own passions) drive her. I wish her all the best because she really is a lovely girl.
The issue? My best friend, who used to be able to talk about other things, and listen to me discuss my own life, now only has a one-track mind. She constantly wants to talk only about her daughter, her daughter's accomplishments, her various activities, and the current conflict or challenges with her daughter. She sends flyers, news articles, TV appearances, sign-up sheets for the activities she runs so everyone else can sign their kids up, etc. several times per week.
I literally am avoiding speaking to my best friend because I am so fed up with hearing only about her daughter. The conversation always comes back to her daughter and her struggles, how hard she is working, and how she is so stressed out. The thing is, I have an 8th grade daughter who is a lovely, normal kid (meaning she gets good grades in school and does well in a few activities that she is passionate about, but has not won any national competitions or given her own TED talk) and after talking to my friend, I get stressed out that I am not pushing my own child hard enough and should maybe expect more from her--I hate this feeling and really want to nip it in the bud. The only way I've found to do this though, is to avoid my friend. Who has been like a sister to me until she became an extreme form of tiger mom in the last couple of years. What to do?

Tiger mom is not the issue. I have a couple sets of friends and I have to constantly hear about their kids various issues (always excusing poor performance or decisions and deflecting to someone else) and significant others. No offense, I don't give a F about your 17 year old's GF.

It's tiresome, for sure, and they talk about little else.

[Anonymous]

I'd go low contact for a stretch. Within a year or two she is going to need support when her daughter starts struggling hard with mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is a wonderful person and we have been friends for a long time. She has a daughter (8th grade) who is incredibly talented, driven, and sweet. She has many talents and seems to win local, regional and national awards every week or two. The daughter is featured in the local (and occasionally national) news every couple of months giving interviews among various other "accolades." In addition to her artistic talent, she also participates in several clubs in/outside of school for which she serves as an officer and is constantly starting new initiatives to lead (charity drives, TED talks, school speaking initiatives). Her parents are well connected so they also set her up with various "youth" initiatives through their work that she then makes her own.
The child is truly very talented and hoping to go to Harvard, so several reasons (aside from her own passions) drive her. I wish her all the best because she really is a lovely girl.
The issue? My best friend, who used to be able to talk about other things, and listen to me discuss my own life, now only has a one-track mind. She constantly wants to talk only about her daughter, her daughter's accomplishments, her various activities, and the current conflict or challenges with her daughter. She sends flyers, news articles, TV appearances, sign-up sheets for the activities she runs so everyone else can sign their kids up, etc. several times per week.
I literally am avoiding speaking to my best friend because I am so fed up with hearing only about her daughter. The conversation always comes back to her daughter and her struggles, how hard she is working, and how she is so stressed out. The thing is, I have an 8th grade daughter who is a lovely, normal kid (meaning she gets good grades in school and does well in a few activities that she is passionate about, but has not won any national competitions or given her own TED talk) and after talking to my friend, I get stressed out that I am not pushing my own child hard enough and should maybe expect more from her--I hate this feeling and really want to nip it in the bud. The only way I've found to do this though, is to avoid my friend. Who has been like a sister to me until she became an extreme form of tiger mom in the last couple of years. What to do?

Tiger mom is not the issue. I have a couple sets of friends and I have to constantly hear about their kids various issues (always excusing poor performance or decisions and deflecting to someone else) and significant others. No offense, I don't give a F about your 17 year old's GF.

It's tiresome, for sure, and they talk about little else.

I also know people like this and agree it has nothing to do with being a tiger mom. I get an earful about a friend's kid's sports team every time I meet up with her and it's so boring. It's not worth losing a friendship over, though.

[Anonymous]

Don’t compare your daughter to hers - sounds like your daughter is doing great & will crest a great life for herself. That’s the ultimate goal.

That said, it’s ok to decrease your interactions for a bit. But stay connected - it is going to get better. Things are going to change a lot over the next few years. It sounds like your friend is very wrapped up in the daughter’s life - which is inevitable when they are in 8th. But once high school, drivers license, moving away to college happens, she will be slowly pushed out of the nexus of her daughter’s life. And then she might need a friend to help her rediscover other parts of her life, & you guys can enjoy new conversations.
You both will be in new stages in a few short years - hang on for that, you will get your friend back & she’ll probably really appreciate your friendship.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not envy your friend. The path of a wunderkind has potential for greatness, & also fraught with possible heartbreak. It usually goes 1 of 4 ways:
- Daughter goes to Harvard, becomes very successful in her field & personally, & you will see her interviewed as an expert in the years to come & can be proud you “knew her when”.
- Daughter gets part of the way there but never really “lives up to her potential” & struggles with recalibrating expectations for her career/life after peaking early.
- Daughter is successful & then suffers a humiliating professional debacle (ie CEO ousted after 1 yr).
- Daughter decides she wants off the hamster wheel & drops out to live in a yurt in New Mexico.
So I would really let go of any envy…being the parent of this kind of kid (& being heavily invested in it, as your friend seems to be) is not always easy. Maybe take PPs advice to suggest a night to not talk about the kids - say you are mommed out & want to talk about anything but the kids. Maybe gently bring up how you will be empty nesters in a few - does she have anything she’d like to focus on then? Ideas for new interests, travel?

[Anonymous]

It does seem strange that OP's friend only wants to talk about her DD constantly without asking OP about her life or her DD's life. This is less of a tiger mom situation and more that this person is self-absorbed. For that I would either say something (if this is a best friend and you are close enough to have the conversation in a way that brings this to light without it turning into a whole situation) or you go lower-contact.

Over the years I have seen parents evolve into this type of person as kids approach certain grades, go through the private school admissions process, sports/club sports try-outs etc. Some parents taste success through their kids and if they didn't have it themselves growing up, it seems as if it's easy to get caught up in their child's success, live through them/become wrapped up in the whole thing and then you are in the place you are in with your friend.

As an aside, your friend's daughter really does sound exceptional. Good for her!

[Anonymous]

I would just constantly change the topic to non child topics.