Crazy Tiger mom best friend

[Anonymous]

My best friend is a wonderful person and we have been friends for a long time. She has a daughter (8th grade) who is incredibly talented, driven, and sweet. She has many talents and seems to win local, regional and national awards every week or two. The daughter is featured in the local (and occasionally national) news every couple of months giving interviews among various other "accolades." In addition to her artistic talent, she also participates in several clubs in/outside of school for which she serves as an officer and is constantly starting new initiatives to lead (charity drives, TED talks, school speaking initiatives). Her parents are well connected so they also set her up with various "youth" initiatives through their work that she then makes her own.
The child is truly very talented and hoping to go to Harvard, so several reasons (aside from her own passions) drive her. I wish her all the best because she really is a lovely girl.
The issue? My best friend, who used to be able to talk about other things, and listen to me discuss my own life, now only has a one-track mind. She constantly wants to talk only about her daughter, her daughter's accomplishments, her various activities, and the current conflict or challenges with her daughter. She sends flyers, news articles, TV appearances, sign-up sheets for the activities she runs so everyone else can sign their kids up, etc. several times per week.
I literally am avoiding speaking to my best friend because I am so fed up with hearing only about her daughter. The conversation always comes back to her daughter and her struggles, how hard she is working, and how she is so stressed out. The thing is, I have an 8th grade daughter who is a lovely, normal kid (meaning she gets good grades in school and does well in a few activities that she is passionate about, but has not won any national competitions or given her own TED talk) and after talking to my friend, I get stressed out that I am not pushing my own child hard enough and should maybe expect more from her--I hate this feeling and really want to nip it in the bud. The only way I've found to do this though, is to avoid my friend. Who has been like a sister to me until she became an extreme form of tiger mom in the last couple of years. What to do?

[Anonymous]

This will pass. She’s just on a mission now.

[Anonymous]

If she's as close a friend as you say she is, tell her the truth. She may think you've been reveling in these tales for months because you genuinely love her and her DD and have not wanted to hurt her feelings. Be honest and tell her that although you think the world of her DD and are so proud of her and excited about her accomplishments, you are beginning to feel like there is no space to talk about anything else, including your own kid, work, husbands, gardening, whatever else you used to enjoy talking about. If she gets upset and doesn't understand, that will speak volumes about your friendship!

[Anonymous]

This sounds annoying. Either confront your friend or avoid as you have been doing.

[Anonymous]

I'd distance myself from her

[Anonymous]

Hahaha wait till her daughter doesn’t get into her desired school!

[Anonymous]

Your being a bad friend. Dont cut someone off because you're insecure. Talk to her about this and Layne she can tone down the tiger talk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahaha wait till her daughter doesn’t get into her desired school!

This seems unlikely given what the OP has said about the kid. Some kids are going to be more successful than our kid. That's perfectly ok and as good friends we should try not to be jealous. The only thing that is not okay is her dominating every conversation talking about said kid.

[Anonymous]

I'd go low-contact.

And when you see her, just don't engage with all the comments about her daughter. Steer the conversation to something else.....

Friend: DD just won 4 new awards!
You: Wow, did you see the fall decorations at Local Spot?

But honestly, I'd check out for now---that doesn't sound like a fun way to spend time.

[Anonymous]

What can you do? I mean your choices are to limit conversations/interactions with her altogether or confront her and hope she understands and talks less about her DD?

What are your other choices??

We all like to talk about our kids, esp one that is doing awesome and she prob is somewhat so proud of her that she is living through her because of awesome she is. I'm not sure if she's going to be able to shut it off completely you know?

But for you, I totally appreciate your feelings cause really, who wants to hear about someone else's kid all the time esp if you have your own kid about the same age. I get it and it's a legit issue for you.

But you know - there's only 2 choices here. You're not going to be able to get her to shut up unless she shuts up. Sorry!

[Anonymous]

Oh, I just remembered an advice column piece about how to handle people like this. I believe the advice was not to directly confront, but to say something like, "oh that's great. Do you mind if we talk about what's going on in my life/my DD's life for a bit?" I think anyone with half a social clue will get the hint that they have been dominating the conversations and will feel bad about it. Getting them to realize it themselves is better than you saying it to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I just remembered an advice column piece about how to handle people like this. I believe the advice was not to directly confront, but to say something like, "oh that's great. Do you mind if we talk about what's going on in my life/my DD's life for a bit?" I think anyone with half a social clue will get the hint that they have been dominating the conversations and will feel bad about it. Getting them to realize it themselves is better than you saying it to them.

Yes.

I have an 8th grade DD who is the most traditionally "successful" among our friend group, and as she's progressed in her achievements, I've talked less and less about them, for fear of being a person such as OP describes! I would never want my friends to shun me like this. I am very aware of the amount of time we spend talking about each of our children, as well as ourselves. It has to be somewhat balanced across time. Maybe one day, we'll talk about a friend's kid who is struggling with A and B. But then another day, we'll talk about DD, or DS, or their other kids, or ourselves and our struggles... everyone gets a turn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahaha wait till her daughter doesn’t get into her desired school!

You sound mean.

[Anonymous]

I know a girl like this who went to mu daughter's school.
My own sister was kind of like this.
All I can say is that school ends one day and the kid has to be able to get along and be self directed on his/her own when there is no Ivy brand in sight anymore. That is when things get really tough for these families - there isn't a clear set of rules to follow at that point.

[Anonymous]

Are they in the school district same as you, or do they live somewhere else?

Several national appearances and TED talks and stuff is pretty rare at eighth grade. So this is kind of weird.

But anyway, good for them. OP this is a good friend, and you know nobody is perfect. I'm sure you wouldn't trade your family for theirs. Just because she has things going on that are more visibility positive doesn't mean anything. We all have our struggles and our triumphs. Just focus on your family. Honestly I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for a young teen to have a friend, or sounds like maybe just acquaintance from your daughter's perspective, like this. IMHO sometimes there's not enough examples of teens being productive. And a lot of examples of teens being completely aimless. So kids can get caught up in, oh it's no big deal that I didn't work really hard at x or y, I'm still doing much better than those kids! I'd rather them see what's possible.