Introverted kids - when to worry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I think she’s generally happy but it’s hard to tell sometimes since she’s also a typical moody and quiet teenager. Which is why I worry.
For the PP who also has an introverted kid - I would be fine if DD told me once in a while that she wants to see her friend. But her only interaction with her one friend is over the phone or text. She has no desire to see anyone.
I was that quiet kid at school so I know how lonely it can be. Yes you’re around others all day but you can also go all day without saying a word to anyone.

Does she have siblings or is she an only child? Does she eat lunch alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is she truly introverted or is she shy?

This is a great question. I have one child who is content with a few friends in person and many online. If he were shy and feeling left out, i would consider tools to fix that - books, therapy, conversational skills practice, etc. It took me a while to figure out he really was okay with less social interaction. You are right, teenage moodiness can make it difficult to know if this is a problem or not. Our school does these social emotional screens and he scores low risk for any issues.

If you think she needs help -this page has some good resources https://www.fcps.edu/resources/student-safety-and-wellness/social-and-emotional-learning-sel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not isolated - she's literally at school surrounded by kids for six hours a day. She's not you. Can't you understand she doesn't want what you wanted? She'll be in clubs with kids, she'll be in a sport with kids, she goes to school with kids. Enough.

She needs a smaller school where teachers care enough to bring her out of her shell.

Look at small slacs for college too.

Maybe she’s overwhelmed at large schools and not developing her own path, or any path.

[Anonymous]

Does she have an advisor at school that she meets with regularly? They could perhaps give you a helpful perspective about what's happening during the school day.

My kid is an introvert. He and a couple other kids eat lunch in an advisor's office; sounds like they chat sometimes or may just eat quietly while reading or listening to music. The down time seems helpful during long days of school + after school sports.

[Anonymous]

I would just make sure she gets involved in a few activities. I’m an introvert and made all of my friends in high school through band and sport. I still had enough alone time as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not isolated - she's literally at school surrounded by kids for six hours a day. She's not you. Can't you understand she doesn't want what you wanted? She'll be in clubs with kids, she'll be in a sport with kids, she goes to school with kids. Enough.

She needs a smaller school where teachers care enough to bring her out of her shell. Look at small slacs for college too. Maybe she’s overwhelmed at large schools and not developing her own path, or any path.

Or maybe she's just fine. I was an introvert at a small high school with under 100 kids. I remember how stressful it was when there was a dance coming up and every single staff member kept pressuring me to go and being negative and questioning me when I said I wasn't going. I knew it wasn't for me. I just wasn't old enough to know how to say "It won't be fun FOR ME. I don't enjoy that kind of thing. Stop bugging me about it." I was perfectly content to spend my lunch periods sitting on a bench in the hallway reading, and chatting with anyone who came up to me, but being in a loud cafeteria was hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not isolated - she's literally at school surrounded by kids for six hours a day. She's not you. Can't you understand she doesn't want what you wanted? She'll be in clubs with kids, she'll be in a sport with kids, she goes to school with kids. Enough.

So much unnecessary anger here. So this PP is saying it’s fine to leave her in her room watching tv constantly when she’s not at school?

Why are you attributing emotion? I wasn't angry at all. And who said anything about screen time? Not me. You. She can do tons of things at home without friends that don't involve sitting on her bed staring at a screen.

NP here. Your tone was definitely aggressive and chastising. Maybe you didn’t mean it, but that’s how it comes across.

Sorry I'm not Southern. I'm a NYer, and my people are blunt. I am not going to sugarcoat things for adults.

My people are from the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn so I’ll be blunt too and tell you to F off.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get your worry. I too have an introverted child (now a sophomore in HS) and she too is perfectly fine with not hanging out with friends outside of school. They text a lot and of course, see each other a lot in school, but she says she gets her fill of her friends during the day.

I get it. It’s a very large HS and from birth, she’s always been quite happy to be by herself. In fact, she misses out on a lot of the drama and is really resistant to peer pressure so far.

[Anonymous]

I can understand wanting downtime away from peers on weeknights and weekends, but to not even have a friend you want to celebrate your birthday with?? Seems off to me…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand wanting downtime away from peers on weeknights and weekends, but to not even have a friend you want to celebrate your birthday with?? Seems off to me…

She apparently places a high value on her scarce alone time. Kids go through different phases and it's perfectly normal for some kids to go through a period of years where they just don't want to socialize that much beyond what they have to endure 6+ hours a day. They can and do grow up to be perfectly normal adults who do socialize. DCUM parents have an odd preoccupation with how popular and social their kids are K-12, and are irrationally terrified of any deviation from what they think is the norm. If this kid has siblings then there is even less to worry about!

[Anonymous]

Susan Cain's book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Won't Stop Talking" will be super-reassuring. Your DD is lucky to have you!

Signed,
A grown-up introvert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand wanting downtime away from peers on weeknights and weekends, but to not even have a friend you want to celebrate your birthday with?? Seems off to me…

+1000

This is not normal for teen development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My freshman DD is very much an introvert. She would be perfectly happy being home all day watching tv if I let her. She has joined a couple clubs at school only because we insisted, but they have yet to start. She has a couple friends from MS but as far as I know she hasn’t seen them at school at all, they are in different classes and don’t eat lunch together.
She has a good friend who moved away and they text and talk on the phone, which is great. But whenever I suggest inviting that friend over or doing something with her she says “maybe” but never does it. I asked if she wanted to do something with that friend for her upcoming birthday but she flat out refused. She plays a rec sport but hasn’t made any friends through that.
I am a total introvert and not very social at all but at that age I did want to see the few friends I had outside of school once in a while, so I am having a hard time understanding and worry that she’s too isolated.

That is so odd. Lots of red flags.

[Anonymous]

Kids don’t get together outside of school as much as we used too—this is my observation anyway. More online connection, more social media and texting. What you describe doesn’t sound unusual to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My freshman DD is very much an introvert. She would be perfectly happy being home all day watching tv if I let her. She has joined a couple clubs at school only because we insisted, but they have yet to start. She has a couple friends from MS but as far as I know she hasn’t seen them at school at all, they are in different classes and don’t eat lunch together.
She has a good friend who moved away and they text and talk on the phone, which is great. But whenever I suggest inviting that friend over or doing something with her she says “maybe” but never does it. I asked if she wanted to do something with that friend for her upcoming birthday but she flat out refused. She plays a rec sport but hasn’t made any friends through that.
I am a total introvert and not very social at all but at that age I did want to see the few friends I had outside of school once in a while, so I am having a hard time understanding and worry that she’s too isolated.

That is so odd. Lots of red flags.

I was just talking to other HS parents and none of our kids wanted to celebrate bdays with friends. Only one kid had had a party and I’d describe him as quirky. I don’t know what it’s about but I wouldn’t call it a red flag. Apparently bdays are uncool now?