Dementia - so difficult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FrontoTemporal Dementia brought out the absolute worst in my mother. It was so difficult being around her. The anxiety she had her entire life, turned into crazy paranoia. I was there for her, but was lucky that we could hire help to deal with her 24/7

Yes, it's unreal. The good parts of my mom's personality are weaponized. Her quick wit is now acid and barbed. Her former kindness and empathy is now infuriating self-pity. I miss the old mom so much. I get glimpses of her but I don't even want to be around the current version. It's not her fault. I'm trying to reframe my own thinking - trying to think of it as a brain injury. It really sucks.

This is exactly accurate, PP. Dementia IS a brain injury. Your loved one with dementia has a dying brain, not a growing brain that is capable of learning new things ore responding to your frustration or corrections. So you are doing the exact right things in trying to reframe your own thinking.
As an aside, I don't know if you've ever seen videos of this guy on facebook or reels who is caring for his dad with dementia, but the guy gest so much praise and kudos for his "content" which is basically just him talking to his very confused dad on video and patiently "explaining" to him that he has dementia and that he now lives with him, etc. and the dad is having to process this in real time and it's so sad. I'm sure this person loves his dad very much, but he is doing almost the exact opposite of what dementia care experts recommend in that he is constantly challenging his dad's reality and "correcting" him by providing him with fact about his current reality.
Imagine if you thought it was 1985 and every day the people around you explained to you that it's 2023 and none of what you thought was a reality in your life is actually true. Rinse and repeat. You'd be confused, indignant, embarrassed, bewildered.
It's cringe. And I wish the son would try to understand that he needs to just meet dad where he is and let him live in his perceived reality. Dad is not ever going to "learn" this new reality because that part of his brain is no longer able to process correctly.

[Anonymous]

I’m coming to terms with this new normal. For me it’s finding the best way to deal with the memory issues, obstinance and temper tantrums while beginning to recognize the triggers and redirect when I see and episode starting. My mom and I seem to be in a bit of a routine at this point. Fatigue and stress are her triggers and I am starting to be able to see the storm coming. I’m sorry we’re all going through this.

[Anonymous]

Horrible. Living this now. My narcissistic, bossy, demanding and delusional mom is herself, only worse.

Dementia has exacerbated her narcissism and somehow made her even more entitled and abrasive.

So tempting to defy her, be rude and openly correct or even challenge her but all is futile. She goes off on diatribes about how she’s treated with such indignity and how no one can possibly understand what she’s going through and cries. Yet, I was the mostly ignored my entire childhood and she stayed married to my abusive alcoholic father.

I know, I know - I’m in therapy and on meds but so hard to reconcile it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FrontoTemporal Dementia brought out the absolute worst in my mother. It was so difficult being around her. The anxiety she had her entire life, turned into crazy paranoia. I was there for her, but was lucky that we could hire help to deal with her 24/7

+1

Same with MIL. She lashes out at me, and no one else, in her recent days. I try to remember how she used to be more restrained and pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Same here. Terrible. My self absorbed victim mentality mother loves that me, the parentified child, is now the parent of her. It is driving me insane. Thank goodness she is very far away and I can structure and limit our visits.

It’s unfair that this was the dynamic growing up but I do desire to honor her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same here. Terrible. My self absorbed victim mentality mother loves that me, the parentified child, is now the parent of her. It is driving me insane. Thank goodness she is very far away and I can structure and limit our visits.

It’s unfair that this was the dynamic growing up but I do desire to honor her.

Isn’t it ironic? What she wishes for her entire life is coming true now that she has dementia.

[Anonymous]

I am reaching my limit with my mother who has dementia. She lives in an assisted living place and calls non stop, asks me to stop by after work, and then when she forgets to charge her phone relative call me to go over and plug in her cell phone. When I take her to doctor's appointments she tells the staff I am bossy or has a litany of complaints.

Her doctor's office called me and told me they are starting her on a dementia medication. I looked at the side effects and pros and cons. I cried when it says it really isn't that effective as memory isn't restored but some of the decline might be slowed and that your lifespan might increase a couple of years. I already can't handle it. Increasing life span living with dementia just seems so cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reaching my limit with my mother who has dementia. She lives in an assisted living place and calls non stop, asks me to stop by after work, and then when she forgets to charge her phone relative call me to go over and plug in her cell phone. When I take her to doctor's appointments she tells the staff I am bossy or has a litany of complaints.

Her doctor's office called me and told me they are starting her on a dementia medication. I looked at the side effects and pros and cons. I cried when it says it really isn't that effective as memory isn't restored but some of the decline might be slowed and that your lifespan might increase a couple of years. I already can't handle it. Increasing life span living with dementia just seems so cruel.

Not to be callous but I completely agree - why are we prolonging lives of people with dementia if there is no increased quality of life? So tired of western medicine disregarding quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reaching my limit with my mother who has dementia. She lives in an assisted living place and calls non stop, asks me to stop by after work, and then when she forgets to charge her phone relative call me to go over and plug in her cell phone. When I take her to doctor's appointments she tells the staff I am bossy or has a litany of complaints.

Her doctor's office called me and told me they are starting her on a dementia medication. I looked at the side effects and pros and cons. I cried when it says it really isn't that effective as memory isn't restored but some of the decline might be slowed and that your lifespan might increase a couple of years. I already can't handle it. Increasing life span living with dementia just seems so cruel.

I wonder if this can help with the repeated phone calls
https://www.telecalmprotects.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FrontoTemporal Dementia brought out the absolute worst in my mother. It was so difficult being around her. The anxiety she had her entire life, turned into crazy paranoia. I was there for her, but was lucky that we could hire help to deal with her 24/7

+1

Same with MIL. She lashes out at me, and no one else, in her recent days. I try to remember how she used to be more restrained and pleasant.

My mom with FTD lashed out at my Dad. Her paranoia was about him cheating. She started to physically abuse him. It was horrible.