Looking back, what early signs were there of going off track?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chronic anxiety which I did not take as seriously as I should have.

Poor executive functioning, which I thought was a school-related problem but is actually a problem that affects people in all areas of life.

For me I didn’t recognize the anxiety at the early stages. And then there came full blown bipolar. Could I have done something different? No. Gave my kid every type of treatment known and couldn’t fix it.

It’s probably too soon to write the end of the story but it doesn’t look like the end will be happy or even satisfying. In fact it might be downright tragic and there’s nothing I can do to change the course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic anxiety which I did not take as seriously as I should have.

Poor executive functioning, which I thought was a school-related problem but is actually a problem that affects people in all areas of life.

where are they now? were you able to move past this?

They eventually made it into college and are in low-EF demand state government jobs that are fine but nothing very exciting. Finally getting them to accept a trial run of anxiety meds helped a lot. Me opening my eyes to the seriousness of their EF deficiencies and getting an EF coach helped. I wish I had intervened on EF stuff much younger, like in elementary school. I regret that I just didn't grasp it. They're both smart in certain ways, but adult life is really really hard without adequate EF.

SPACE protocol helped. Me not paying for things helped-- I finally had to bite the bullet and ratchet down our lifestyle at home dramatically. Flip phones for everyone. No internet, no cable. No desserts. No fancy food, no restaurants. No extras at all. It was hard for me but I stayed the course and told them over and over that they could get jobs and buy things for themselves. I know it sounds kind of retrograde, but in combination with SPACE guidance and anxiety meds and EF support, it helped.

What is the SPACE protocol?

It's when you gradually stop accommodating their anxiety and refusal so much. It worked for me because it's something the parents can implement without the participation, cooperation, or even acknowledgement of the children. It's difficult because the kids get really mad at first, but it worked for us.

https://theocdandanxietycenter.com/failure-to-launch-treatment/

[Anonymous]

I found this article heartbreaking and have never forgotten it:

https://medium.com/@thekatieallison/parenting-an-addicted-teen-what-i-wish-id-known-4f600e3be213

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this article heartbreaking and have never forgotten it:

https://medium.com/@thekatieallison/parenting-an-addicted-teen-what-i-wish-id-known-4f600e3be213

Especially the second part: https://medium.com/@katieallisonmail/parenting-an-addicted-teen-if-i-could-turn-back-time-part-2-a851b4ab0ad4 The shift in friend group was a turning point for us that we didn't take seriously enough.

Sometimes kids who are struggling with academics or social development or maturity realize that they are behind their peers and can't keep up, so they withdraw or shift to a peer group that doesn't perform as well. A little gap becomes a bigger and bigger gap, and sometimes parent try to ride it out and hope their kid matures and catches up. And that does sometimes happen. But sometimes it doesn't, the gap gets even bigger and the kid more and more ashamed and befuddled and overwhelmed, and withdraws even more. The shift in friend group can be a tipoff that this is starting.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for that indicator. Ugh

[Anonymous]

My kid had weak social skills so there was no change in friend group. I do think I'd gotten too used to the everything is anxiety and ADHD that I missed subtle signs that it wasn't these things any more. Instead it was lack of motivation, lack of willpower, lack of appetite. Then we had paranoia and delusions and it was clear it was schizophrenia.

Very luckily kid responds well to medication and is cooperative. No drug issues. But overall energy and focus are way down and a four year degree may be out of reach.

[Anonymous]

Inability to bond socially (no strong social group), inability to complete or care about homework or school work, inability to hold a job or understand how to do well in a job, not active in school or community activities (unless parents really pushed - a number of these young men are eagle scouts) - most comfortable at home and alone playing video games, negative attitude about the world and low self image. I'm describing numerous young men I know struggling after dropping out of HS and College. All from loving homes but struggled with anxiety starting at a young age and fell apart around late middle school when academics and social skills became more demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic anxiety which I did not take as seriously as I should have.

Poor executive functioning, which I thought was a school-related problem but is actually a problem that affects people in all areas of life.

For me I didn’t recognize the anxiety at the early stages. And then there came full blown bipolar. Could I have done something different? No. Gave my kid every type of treatment known and couldn’t fix it.

It’s probably too soon to write the end of the story but it doesn’t look like the end will be happy or even satisfying. In fact it might be downright tragic and there’s nothing I can do to change the course.

They have a disease that is not your fault. My close friends, colleagues and acquaintances with bipolar all had huge ups and downs, really struggled at times and one died young. They had everything anyone could do to help. It’s the disease. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think inattentive ADD, anxiety, and avoidance as a way of coping with frustration or anxiety, are key risk factors and can be identified in elementary school.

This describes me and I am a successfully attorney. I never had any help or intervention. My kids are similar and are in therapy for anxiety and have EF coaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic anxiety which I did not take as seriously as I should have.

Poor executive functioning, which I thought was a school-related problem but is actually a problem that affects people in all areas of life.

For me I didn’t recognize the anxiety at the early stages. And then there came full blown bipolar. Could I have done something different? No. Gave my kid every type of treatment known and couldn’t fix it.

It’s probably too soon to write the end of the story but it doesn’t look like the end will be happy or even satisfying. In fact it might be downright tragic and there’s nothing I can do to change the course.

I don’t know the age of your kid, but I have a cousin who was diagnosed with bipolar in his early 20s. He did a stint in rehab before finishing college and didn’t graduate until he was around 25. His parents had many sleepless months worrying and thinking he wouldn’t make it, but he pulled through, found the right meds and did extensive therapy and was functioning well by his late 20s. He’s now in his 40s, married, happy and with a successful career. None of us thought this would ever be possible. Hang in there and don’t lose hope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think inattentive ADD, anxiety, and avoidance as a way of coping with frustration or anxiety, are key risk factors and can be identified in elementary school.

This describes me and I am a successfully attorney. I never had any help or intervention. My kids are similar and are in therapy for anxiety and have EF coaching.

NP. Congratulations on your success. If you don't mind my asking, what helped you to succeed? How do you manage your time?

Being diagnosed with ADHD as a child would have been so helpful for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic anxiety which I did not take as seriously as I should have.

Poor executive functioning, which I thought was a school-related problem but is actually a problem that affects people in all areas of life.

I'm a 36F failure to launch and agree with this. I'd also add chronic quitter. I quit people, places, things, jobs, schools, etc. with reckless abandon. Although at least I've been able to hold down a "good job" in state government since 2017 with multiple promotions and annual raises. Around that same time, I decided to give up completely on forging social bonds. No keeping or trying to make friends, no dating, absolutely no social outings. My contact list consists only of my mother and various offices/services I frequently use (hair, spa, plastic surgeon, etc.) I have a decent retirement getting built up, but it's meaningless because I've already chosen that I will die rather than live like this in old age.

Yes I'm in therapy and have been for a long time.

Have you sought out a diagnosis or more targeted therapy and meds given Dx?

This could be adhd and/or aspergers ASD I.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, all who responded. This has been a really insightful, and thought-provoking, thread for me, as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chronic anxiety which I did not take as seriously as I should have.

Poor executive functioning, which I thought was a school-related problem but is actually a problem that affects people in all areas of life.

I'm a 36F failure to launch and agree with this. I'd also add chronic quitter. I quit people, places, things, jobs, schools, etc. with reckless abandon. Although at least I've been able to hold down a "good job" in state government since 2017 with multiple promotions and annual raises. Around that same time, I decided to give up completely on forging social bonds. No keeping or trying to make friends, no dating, absolutely no social outings. My contact list consists only of my mother and various offices/services I frequently use (hair, spa, plastic surgeon, etc.) I have a decent retirement getting built up, but it's meaningless because I've already chosen that I will die rather than live like this in old age.

Yes I'm in therapy and have been for a long time.

I don’t know that you qualify as failure to launch. You are succeeding at a job (longterm), and are financially stable into old age. Many people don’t have those accomplishments.

Do you have social anxiety? Depression? Your obstacles sound real but not insurmountable. Great that you are in therapy. Please don’t give up on yourself, you actually seem to have a lot going for you. (And stuff to work on…but we all do😏)

[Anonymous]

My brother - profound ADHD from childhood now and probably some bi-polar. He always had trouble in school but consistently believes he is the smartest guy in the room - a legend is his own mind. In and out of college, didn't graduate and chronically underemployed. He took money from my mom til her was in his early 30's. My dad died when he was young and she couldn't bear to cut him off. He married a therapist, has a blue collar job (yay, a job!) and for some reason his wife puts up with him. I do have to remind my mom to always be supportive of his wife because if she leaves him, he'll be mom's responsibility again.