Platonic marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m faithful because he demands it, I don’t want to upset kids lives, etc. I’m probably the higher drive person… our marriage is mostly platonic and he isn’t interested in building emotional or intellectual chemistry and connection either. I’m tired of always being the one trying on these fronts. We don’t have much in common as people and he isn’t interested in talking to me.

When it comes to kids we both love them and do a lot as a family, same with household. Finances are not an issue. So we don’t fight over these things, and we’re fine as roommates and all.

I mean at some point I figure I won’t care much about the physical stuff or connection?

It's a bit strange to describe an abusive relationship as "platonic". That's like being friends with your bully.

[Anonymous]

cancer sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course !! Tons and tons and tons of platonic room mate marriages work just fine..... SO LONG as you have no expectations of fidelity.

I can’t tell if you are being serious here? If you are being serious can you talk more about how these type of marriages work? What rules are followed to keep it successful?

I am completely serious. Unless a relationship started out platonic ... if (down the road) one partner stops wanting sex, the price of that choice is a non-monogamous relationship. To the extent that "rules" are even necessary, I will point out the libido-less partner (being the abnormal party who has changed and damaged the relationship) does not carry much weight into that discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m faithful because he demands it, I don’t want to upset kids lives, etc. I’m probably the higher drive person… our marriage is mostly platonic and he isn’t interested in building emotional or intellectual chemistry and connection either. I’m tired of always being the one trying on these fronts. We don’t have much in common as people and he isn’t interested in talking to me.

When it comes to kids we both love them and do a lot as a family, same with household. Finances are not an issue. So we don’t fight over these things, and we’re fine as roommates and all.

I mean at some point I figure I won’t care much about the physical stuff or connection?

Your body, your choice. He cannot "demand" your celibacy. He wants to be a platonic room mate, fine. As your room mate, your dating life is none of his damned business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m faithful because he demands it, I don’t want to upset kids lives, etc. I’m probably the higher drive person… our marriage is mostly platonic and he isn’t interested in building emotional or intellectual chemistry and connection either. I’m tired of always being the one trying on these fronts. We don’t have much in common as people and he isn’t interested in talking to me.

When it comes to kids we both love them and do a lot as a family, same with household. Finances are not an issue. So we don’t fight over these things, and we’re fine as roommates and all.

I mean at some point I figure I won’t care much about the physical stuff or connection?

You seem very tolerant but this relationship sounds like a good candidate for marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

We're mostly platonic, some physical intimacy but no sex.

Both fairly low drive, though partner is higher drive than me.

I know he'd prefer to have more (some) sex, but not enough to pursue it elsewhere. Also I've told him I'd be open to discussing open marriage if he feels dissatisfied, but the truth is he doesn't want to. Both because he wouldn't want me sleeping with someone else (though I don't think I would, very low interest) but also because he doesn't want to put the effort into finding another partner either. He might be higher drive than me, but he's lower effort generally.

I would prefer if he talked to me more and was more emotionally available. I do think I'd be more interested in sex if he felt more intellectually and emotionally engaged with me, but I don't condition it like that (maybe I wouldn't be more interested, I don't know, I really do just have very low drive since having kids).

Despite all this, it seems to work okay. I wouldn't say we are super happy but also I know we are not miserable (we have discussed it). We're middle aged and tired. Covid was very hard on our family. We're both very committed parents. We both have considerable stressors outside our family (just really horrible extended families, we both have parents and siblings with major mental health issues and possibly personality disorders and it's enormously stressful). We're grateful to each other for putting up with our respective families and being a respite from their shittiness. I think there's a lot of melancholy in our home but we do look for the joy. We prioritize each other and spending time together as a family. It's very far from perfect but I also think it's probably a lot better than divorce, which might result in more and better sex for one or both of us, but I'm not really sure it would make either of us actually happy and I think it would suck for the kids.

My sense is that there are A LOT of couples in their 40s/50s like us. The combination of age, kids, Covid, and external stress (jobs, parents/siblings, money, adult responsibilities like home ownership and taxes and crap) doesn't really lend itself for carefree, happy lives with plenty of sex and relaxation. If you can pull that off, good for you -- I'm guessing you probably have more money and fewer life stressors, but maybe you're just better at life, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

I’d love to know what percentage of long married couples in their 50s and above are still
Having regular sex. I’m guessing it’s around 25%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm platonic, faithful, and the higher libido spouse. I wouldn't say that I'm happy. But, I'm content.

same here - and i'm the wife. and no my husband isn't cheating on me - he has health issues and is on meds that have destroyed his sex drive. it's not my favorite part of our relationship! but i am not planning to leave or cheat.

we're not platonic in the sense of no kissing, no i love yous, all that - we're affectionate and loving. but sexless.

I could have written this. You wouldn’t have guessed that we’d end up this way, based on the early years of our marriage. I love him too much to be apart for even one day, much less divorce him. Sexless with DH is better than sex with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course !! Tons and tons and tons of platonic room mate marriages work just fine..... SO LONG as you have no expectations of fidelity.

I can’t tell if you are being serious here? If you are being serious can you talk more about how these type of marriages work? What rules are followed to keep it successful?

I am completely serious. Unless a relationship started out platonic ... if (down the road) one partner stops wanting sex, the price of that choice is a non-monogamous relationship. To the extent that "rules" are even necessary, I will point out the libido-less partner (being the abnormal party who has changed and damaged the relationship) does not carry much weight into that discussion.

Fair as long as you tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love to know what percentage of long married couples in their 50s and above are still
Having regular sex. I’m guessing it’s around 25%.

Wow! As someone in their mid 40's I hope this isn't true! We will be empty nesters at 51 and I'm looking forward to sex in all the places! We also haven't had a kid-free trip longer than an overnight since our kids were born. Can. Not. Wait.

[Anonymous]

The married at midlife couples I know are either not having sex or there is just some occasional grudging sex.

[Anonymous]

Don’t all marriages become platonic eventually. I don’t many 70 year olds are still doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love to know what percentage of long married couples in their 50s and above are still
Having regular sex. I’m guessing it’s around 25%.

Long married, Over 50, we still enjoy sex twice per week. God forbid my spouse ever stops wanting regular sex, I would stop wanting regular monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course !! Tons and tons and tons of platonic room mate marriages work just fine..... SO LONG as you have no expectations of fidelity.

I can’t tell if you are being serious here? If you are being serious can you talk more about how these type of marriages work? What rules are followed to keep it successful?

I am completely serious. Unless a relationship started out platonic ... if (down the road) one partner stops wanting sex, the price of that choice is a non-monogamous relationship. To the extent that "rules" are even necessary, I will point out the libido-less partner (being the abnormal party who has changed and damaged the relationship) does not carry much weight into that discussion.

Fair as long as you tell them.

I agree: take 7 seconds and tell them. Then carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t all marriages become platonic eventually. I don’t many 70 year olds are still doing it.

Yeah it's always funny in these conversations the way a lot of people just assume we're talking about 35 yr olds. My DH and I had a lot of sex at 35, that's probably peak for our marriage in terms of both frequency and quality.

10 years later we have about a 10th the sex we had then. Do the math-- by 55 we'll be mostly platonic, and by 65 for sure. Maybe there will be a resurgence once kids are older, we'll see. That would be nice I think. But were still never going back to 35.

I think twice a month sounds like a very healthy sex life for 50+. I bet most couple don't accomplish that though.