WFO expecting SAHP & WFHP to be their substitutes

[Anonymous]

I’m a working mom and I am VERY careful about not taking advantage of my sahm friends.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and have never had working mom friends ask me for favors besides some carpooling. I often ask for favors if I have a conflict. I also host the most play dates. It is five and take. As long as no one is trying to take advantage, I think it is fine.

[Anonymous]

Often? Always?

I am a SAHM and I have ZERO problem in being the caregiver (gratis) for friends of my children or for neighbors. Sure, I will drop and pick them up, let them be in my house after school, make sure that they remove their shoes indoors, wash their hands, eat a snack and do their homework.

I do that because it is in my power to do this favor to them and their parents. I want my kids to know that it is ok to do favors for others (Yes, even if it is not reciprocated), and I want my kids to know how to behave with others. These small asks are not something that will break me or make me poor.

On the other hand, if you do not have the bandwidth or feel that you are being treated like a doormat or feel that you want to nurture reciprocal relationships then you just say that it does not work for you. Do not waste brain space on these kinds of minor problems.

[Anonymous]

The most negligent and freeloading parent was a neighbor who was also a SAHM like me. I stepped in often because I feared for her daughter's safety and well being. That neighbor was a hot mess. Of course, the child eventually grew up to be an exotic dancer in Florida at 17, but at least on my watch, she was still secure and safe.

My experience has been that there are a number of dads who because of their conditioning have no qualms in becoming freeloaders.

WOHMs in my circles are super moms who have their act together and will pitch in one way or the other if they ever impose on you.

- SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most negligent and freeloading parent was a neighbor who was also a SAHM like me. I stepped in often because I feared for her daughter's safety and well being. That neighbor was a hot mess. Of course, the child eventually grew up to be an exotic dancer in Florida at 17, but at least on my watch, she was still secure and safe.

My experience has been that there are a number of dads who because of their conditioning have no qualms in becoming freeloaders.

WOHMs in my circles are super moms who have their act together and will pitch in one way or the other if they ever impose on you.

- SAHM

I'm talking about average normal people, not people with moral, ethical, financial or mental issues.

[Anonymous]

What a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a working mom and I am VERY careful about not taking advantage of my sahm friends.

Yep. This is me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how SAHM=pushover stereotype gets entrenched, btw. Just tell them no, it's fine!

And if you can’t handle saying no, simply ignore the calls/texts and then reply a few hours later “So sorry, my phone was off, I was in meetings all day.”

Once you become consistently unreliable, they’ll stop asking. Of course, you could also be direct and say “No, that doesn’t work.”

All of this. Don't answer call or texts right away. They'll find someone else who is more "reliable".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM/very PT worker for almost 16 years. I have to say this really has not been an issue for me at all. If anything, it was really only an issue when my kids were very small and the "favors" were mostly asked by other SAHM's.

Never thought about it but another SAHP is the one who most frequently asks me to watch their kid without reciprocation. The working parents ask from time to time but I don't mind because they offer to help me out when they can.

[Anonymous]

I am the WFO mom that sometimes asks for help from SAHP in a pinch. I truly try to avoid it at all costs, and always try to help out any time I can (I am always working to put points on the board!)

I hope people don't hate me. I think it helps that they see my husband, who works from home, busting his a** all the time, and also trying to help out.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, SAHMs are asking for more favors because they generally don't have the same childcare network working moms do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most negligent and freeloading parent was a neighbor who was also a SAHM like me. I stepped in often because I feared for her daughter's safety and well being. That neighbor was a hot mess. Of course, the child eventually grew up to be an exotic dancer in Florida at 17, but at least on my watch, she was still secure and safe.

My experience has been that there are a number of dads who because of their conditioning have no qualms in becoming freeloaders.

WOHMs in my circles are super moms who have their act together and will pitch in one way or the other if they ever impose on you.

- SAHM

I'm talking about average normal people, not people with moral, ethical, financial or mental issues.

But the people with moral, ethical, financial or mental issues ARE the freeloaders. The normal people who have it together don't take advantage of others and generally have childcare.

[Anonymous]

As a WFHP of three kids, ages 3, 5, & 7, there is one mom in the school ( 5 &7 yr old go to school) who I feel takes advantage of me. She’s a single parent, so I had a hard time saying no when she asked to watch her daughter, even on the days I was feeling very overwhelmed. It was usually on pre-scheduled days off school- and always asked last minute. Her daughter tends to not listen well, but was nice enough. It started to come to a head when I had a work trip and we hired a babysitter for the week. Of course, the mom needed last minute childcare after school. The babysitter mentioned the girl was poor behaved-didn’t listen- and asked the child not be present while she is caring for our children. I addressed this with the mom, her response? “Oh she’s normally really good and she helps, she will be better next time.” Additionally, some of her bad habits have started to rub off on my daughter as they also play at school.
I want to be able to help this mom, as I was raised in a single parent household, but at what expense? We have decided to slowly distance ourselves from the other family. She has a difficult time being told “no” and can be manipulative. Me and my family need a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a WFHP of three kids, ages 3, 5, & 7, there is one mom in the school ( 5 &7 yr old go to school) who I feel takes advantage of me. She’s a single parent, so I had a hard time saying no when she asked to watch her daughter, even on the days I was feeling very overwhelmed. It was usually on pre-scheduled days off school- and always asked last minute. Her daughter tends to not listen well, but was nice enough. It started to come to a head when I had a work trip and we hired a babysitter for the week. Of course, the mom needed last minute childcare after school. The babysitter mentioned the girl was poor behaved-didn’t listen- and asked the child not be present while she is caring for our children. I addressed this with the mom, her response? “Oh she’s normally really good and she helps, she will be better next time.” Additionally, some of her bad habits have started to rub off on my daughter as they also play at school.
I want to be able to help this mom, as I was raised in a single parent household, but at what expense? We have decided to slowly distance ourselves from the other family. She has a difficult time being told “no” and can be manipulative. Me and my family need a break.

For the babysitter thing I don’t know if I’d have gone into that much detail. “The sitter isn’t comfortable watching extra children, she cannot come over. I’m sorry.” and tell the sitter to not answer the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People can ask for whatever they want, whenever they want. Doesn't mean others have to say yes.

+1. Sometimes people ask me for favors I can't give or that are too onerous. I just say it doesn't work. But when friends ask and I can help, I say yes. They're friends, and it's part of what it means to be part of a community. They reciprocate in various ways, but it comes out in the wash.

And if you think of it entirely in terms of compensation, then you're not really friends. Also, you can't ever use the phrase "it takes a village" ever again.