How obligated do you feel to financially help adult siblings?

[Anonymous]

I would help them help themselves.

For your SIL, I would pay for a resume and LinkedIn update, and an interview/career coach. If she keeps getting interviewed but not getting the job, she doesn’t interview well. Or, her resume is embellished. Or something, and she needs help straightening that out.

Your brother with all of the kids is on his own.

What’s the deal with your sister? Bad financial decisions? Low paying jobs? Bad relationships?

[Anonymous]

Zero, since you’re already doing more than your fair share by being a self-supporting and functional member of society. Think of it this way…every dollar that your parents give your siblings today is essentially a quarter that you won’t receive down the road when it come time to settle their estate.

[Anonymous]

Obligated…no.

I think for me it depends on 1) do they need help for things beyond their control and 2) is the financial help putting them on a sustainable path.

From what you said I would be most likely to help your ill brother but he needs to downsize the house. The sooner he realizes it’s gone the better.

[Anonymous]

Since you seem to be the only responsible one, you will probably be appointed executor of your parents estate. That could be a major headache, dealing with these people. You are looking at a lot of your personal time being unpaid labor when that time comes. I wouldn’t give them any money, knowing you will contribute plenty of time and emotional strain when you have to settle your parents affairs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These have been helpful comments. I feel somewhat better that I’m not a horrible person. I am willing to help when it’s something meaningful that can change the trajectory of their long term situation or something health related but I can’t help with the band aid issues. I will be the executor of my parents estate one day and know I’m in for an emotionally and time consuming task one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of four kids and the only one who is financially secure. I have 2 brothers who never attended college and 1 sister that struggles financially despite having a Masters degree. One brother has learning disabilities, lots of kids, and has never maintained any kind of long term employment. He lives with my parents. Older brother is married, owns a home, but has had long term health issues that have prevented him from working the past few years. His wife has been unemployed for over a year. She is trying to find work, gets interviewed, but never gets the job. I think there are too many red flags on her resume.
I have helped all siblings financially in some capacity over the years. In the past two years, I have given older brother and wife around $12K. My parents have been paying their mortgage for months and can’t afford to pay anymore.

I do pretty well but my husband makes a lot of money. I feel bad to see all of my siblings struggling and the burden it places on my parents. I want to help my siblings but all of them struggle and the situation is not going to change with short infusions of cash. Giving them money is always a temporary band aid. If I substantially help one of them, then the others will want help. I can’t take care of all of them forever and I don’t think it’s fair to my husband to give his money to my siblings. I feel bad that we live such a comfortable life without financial worries and they struggle with the most basic aspects of life.

In what ways would you feel obligated to help? At what point do you say no more? I’m truly torn at where our generosity ends and tough love begins.

It sounds like your siblings are partially in such a mess, because your parents are huge enablers... and they've continued to enable them well into adulthood.

Please, please, please, don't become an enabler too.

If you want to help, look over SIL's resume and help her improve it... but cash will never, ever be enough.

Your brother and SIL should sell their home, pull out any equity and buy someplace that's far more affordable for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough love should begin today.

Do you have kids? Do you have fully funded college for them? Do you have robust savings in case of job loss? Do you have fully maxed out 401k? What about long term care for you and your spouse?
I could go on but you get the idea.

You have to stop enabling them.

+1

This, exactly. Some people expect handouts, and look for those prone to giving them. Don't, OP - the longer you give, the more they expect, and you truly are not helping those in "need". Teach a man to fish.....

[Anonymous]

None.

I will only help with my after work time and with advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of four kids and the only one who is financially secure. I have 2 brothers who never attended college and 1 sister that struggles financially despite having a Masters degree. One brother has learning disabilities, lots of kids, and has never maintained any kind of long term employment. He lives with my parents. Older brother is married, owns a home, but has had long term health issues that have prevented him from working the past few years. His wife has been unemployed for over a year. She is trying to find work, gets interviewed, but never gets the job. I think there are too many red flags on her resume.
I have helped all siblings financially in some capacity over the years. In the past two years, I have given older brother and wife around $12K. My parents have been paying their mortgage for months and can’t afford to pay anymore.

I do pretty well but my husband makes a lot of money. I feel bad to see all of my siblings struggling and the burden it places on my parents. I want to help my siblings but all of them struggle and the situation is not going to change with short infusions of cash. Giving them money is always a temporary band aid. If I substantially help one of them, then the others will want help. I can’t take care of all of them forever and I don’t think it’s fair to my husband to give his money to my siblings. I feel bad that we live such a comfortable life without financial worries and they struggle with the most basic aspects of life.

In what ways would you feel obligated to help? At what point do you say no more? I’m truly torn at where our generosity ends and tough love begins.

It sounds like your siblings are partially in such a mess, because your parents are huge enablers... and they've continued to enable them well into adulthood.

Please, please, please, don't become an enabler too.

If you want to help, look over SIL's resume and help her improve it... but cash will never, ever be enough.

Your brother and SIL should sell their home, pull out any equity and buy someplace that's far more affordable for them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Life isn't fair. You can help. If they are putting forth effort, and you can afford it, give them money to support their efforts. Parents trying to find jobs, or helping their kids learn, and kid putting effort into school. Pay for an enrichment activity for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zero obligation.

Same. Zero

[Anonymous]

I helped my sister who had a major mental illness beginning in her teens. She was in hospitals a lot as a teen, was on strong medications that were tough on the body. She managed pretty well on disability but I paid for all the extras. Otherwise everyone is making it on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I helped my sister who had a major mental illness beginning in her teens. She was in hospitals a lot as a teen, was on strong medications that were tough on the body. She managed pretty well on disability but I paid for all the extras. Otherwise everyone is making it on their own.

Similar. I have a sister who is on disability for mental health issues. Basically has never functioned as an independent adult with a job.

Parents are gone, but they did buy her a house before they died in a very low COL area.

I would be strategic OP, as I’m similar. I’m a GS14 so make some money (more than my parents ever imagined) but my spouse make 3x my salary. So any help really comes from my spouse, and we need retirement college savings, and maybe even one of own kids need help someday. If your DH is a BigLaw partner making $Ms, that may be a different story, you could setup somewhat like buying a cheap property and helping them get on disability as appropriate (home doesn’t count as assets against disability).

Otherwise, you owe them nothing. And my sister is generally nice except when she is in crisis. I would probably step in if she would become homeless. I’m on fence on what to do when her car dies. She is in s rural town so buses are limited, but she doesn’t really NEED a car so I have to think if I want to help there. But like someone said, structural investments. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

I feel some level of responsibility for my brother. He’s considerably younger, and I did most of the care for him when he was 2-12 years old. Our mother is abusive, and had given up on mothering him when he was a toddler.

My sister and I have always offered a lot of support to him. He is moving in with me next month. I’m hoping the extra emotional and financial support will help him be able to find a job. I’m not obligated to do these things, but we all have serious issues because of our mother. His happens to be panic attacks about finding a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of four kids and the only one who is financially secure. I have 2 brothers who never attended college and 1 sister that struggles financially despite having a Masters degree. One brother has learning disabilities, lots of kids, and has never maintained any kind of long term employment. He lives with my parents. Older brother is married, owns a home, but has had long term health issues that have prevented him from working the past few years. His wife has been unemployed for over a year. She is trying to find work, gets interviewed, but never gets the job. I think there are too many red flags on her resume.
I have helped all siblings financially in some capacity over the years. In the past two years, I have given older brother and wife around $12K. My parents have been paying their mortgage for months and can’t afford to pay anymore.

I do pretty well but my husband makes a lot of money. I feel bad to see all of my siblings struggling and the burden it places on my parents. I want to help my siblings but all of them struggle and the situation is not going to change with short infusions of cash. Giving them money is always a temporary band aid. If I substantially help one of them, then the others will want help. I can’t take care of all of them forever and I don’t think it’s fair to my husband to give his money to my siblings. I feel bad that we live such a comfortable life without financial worries and they struggle with the most basic aspects of life.

In what ways would you feel obligated to help? At what point do you say no more? I’m truly torn at where our generosity ends and tough love begins.

Once I had my child I decided that my able bodied sibling who had arrested development would not get my financial support. I also had to pull out of a dynamic my parent set up where I felt like I was the other parent of my sibling in terms of emotional, mental support, etc. which was not healthy.

I appreciate that your siblings are having challenges but if you were not in the financial position you are in, you wouldn't be able to help them. You aren't an ATM. You also shouldn't feel bad about living a comfortable life - you and your husband worked hard for what you have. The fact that everyone hears about the money you give to another sibling and come around for what they think is their share is gross. Stop giving money. Tell them you have to save for college, something health related, retirement - whatever if you don't want to flat out say no.