MIL passive-aggressively rude to DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13 confided in me that her grandma (MIL) is becoming increasingly more and more critical and judgmental of her.

I can’t think of everything but these are the latest, and similar to the criticisms in the past:

Offers to take her to Starbucks. If DD tries a new drink and doesn’t love it, and doesn’t finish it, MIL will get angry and tell her she’s never taking her to Sbux again. Takes her to Sbux. DD will get a “safe” drink. MIL will criticize her for being boring and not more adventurous.

Offers to take her back to school shopping. Brags that she will let her get whatever she wants. Proceeds to criticize every article of clothing and all but force the things SHE likes on DD. Will reluctantly purchase the things she doesn’t like, and will then criticize them to DD.

Very passive-aggressive.

DD is a precocious, feisty one and will stand up for herself, to a respectful degree, but I think MIL brushes it off. I think it’s time for DH to step in, but he is weird about his mom, who has a history of histrionics. DD sees MIL for what she is and doesn’t seem bothered, and almost finds humor in it; sort of makes it a game. But I hate it and don’t want DD exposed to it.

Since DD let’s it roll off her shoulders, should I even bring it up with DH?

Sounds like YOU don't like your MIL and your DD knows it.

precocious, feisty one and will stand up for herself. Hmmm. Sounds charming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13 confided in me that her grandma (MIL) is becoming increasingly more and more critical and judgmental of her.

I can’t think of everything but these are the latest, and similar to the criticisms in the past:

Offers to take her to Starbucks. If DD tries a new drink and doesn’t love it, and doesn’t finish it, MIL will get angry and tell her she’s never taking her to Sbux again. Takes her to Sbux. DD will get a “safe” drink. MIL will criticize her for being boring and not more adventurous.

Offers to take her back to school shopping. Brags that she will let her get whatever she wants. Proceeds to criticize every article of clothing and all but force the things SHE likes on DD. Will reluctantly purchase the things she doesn’t like, and will then criticize them to DD.

Very passive-aggressive.

DD is a precocious, feisty one and will stand up for herself, to a respectful degree, but I think MIL brushes it off. I think it’s time for DH to step in, but he is weird about his mom, who has a history of histrionics... don’t want DD exposed to it.

Since DD let’s it roll off her shoulders, should I even bring it up with DH?

Decades later adult DD and adult cousins remember junk from 1 aunt in group settings. This granny is emotionally abusive so as the parent limit the contact. Why continue to stick your DD alone on outings with this one? So for this child's entire life has she had to deal with this nonsense with no back-up present or did the solo outings with granny start in late elementary school?

[Anonymous]

You and DD can limit/decrease the exposure.

[Anonymous]

I would really check to see if the negativity is really affecting your DD or if she is as she says, handling a very difficult grandmother in stride.

Either way, I would quietly reduce contact between the two. But I would do it much more quickly if I see it’s affecting her self esteem. Those little biting comments can get stuck in your subconscious and it is good to surround yourself/DD with genuinely supportive people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It stands out that both of the examples you have given involve MIL buying something for DD. Does MIL find DD ungrateful or something? Could that make her irritable and be behind all of this?

I would have been grateful as could be for a grandmother taking me back-to-school shopping. Perhaps your daughter, in the grand scheme of things, is too, and that is why this personality of MIL's rolls off her shoulders? Whereas you are not?

No.

She criticizes her hair, the sport she plays, her favorite vacation location, her phone Lock Screen picture, her musical instrument, music… I can go on.

And you’ve seen and heard this firsthand?

I have one kid who’s has a victim mentality no matter what is said to her. It has ended many friendships as her social cues and perceptions are off.

So here maybe that’s the MiL or maybe the tween. I usually try to triangulate to the truth.

[Anonymous]

OMG my mom would definitely be like yours in the Starbucks situation. Story of my life.

And she's like this to my 11 year old. It's hard. I am direct with her when I'm around, and my son is like your daughter in that he laughs about it. But He (we) can be pretty snarky with her which offends her.

A few months ago DS had an overnight visit to their house. Before, I had a conversation with him about how she's old and loves him and in fact has told me he is a good kid. Therefore we should both try to curb our snarky responses to Grandma's ridiculousness. I told him to be kind and direct if necessary ("grandma, I know what I like and don't want to waste money again on a drink I don't want." REPEAT. It's a lesson I had to figure out for myself but even at just 11, DS is doing really well with being direct but not constantly rolling his eyes or being jerky.