MIL passive-aggressively rude to DD

[Anonymous]

DD13 confided in me that her grandma (MIL) is becoming increasingly more and more critical and judgmental of her.

I can’t think of everything but these are the latest, and similar to the criticisms in the past:

Offers to take her to Starbucks. If DD tries a new drink and doesn’t love it, and doesn’t finish it, MIL will get angry and tell her she’s never taking her to Sbux again. Takes her to Sbux. DD will get a “safe” drink. MIL will criticize her for being boring and not more adventurous.

Offers to take her back to school shopping. Brags that she will let her get whatever she wants. Proceeds to criticize every article of clothing and all but force the things SHE likes on DD. Will reluctantly purchase the things she doesn’t like, and will then criticize them to DD.

Very passive-aggressive.

DD is a precocious, feisty one and will stand up for herself, to a respectful degree, but I think MIL brushes it off. I think it’s time for DH to step in, but he is weird about his mom, who has a history of histrionics. DD sees MIL for what she is and doesn’t seem bothered, and almost finds humor in it; sort of makes it a game. But I hate it and don’t want DD exposed to it.

Since DD let’s it roll off her shoulders, should I even bring it up with DH?

[Anonymous]

That’s not passive aggressive behavior. That’s straight up a$$holery.

I think it’s awesome your daughter doesn’t care. She’s going to have to deal with people like this for the rest of her life, so it’s great that she learned the skill of how to now.

If it really doesn’t bother your daughter, just join in with making fun of MIL. Great way to bond!

[Anonymous]

It stands out that both of the examples you have given involve MIL buying something for DD. Does MIL find DD ungrateful or something? Could that make her irritable and be behind all of this?

I would have been grateful as could be for a grandmother taking me back-to-school shopping. Perhaps your daughter, in the grand scheme of things, is too, and that is why this personality of MIL's rolls off her shoulders? Whereas you are not?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let them be alone. DH has clearly made his choice and it is to say nothing.

[Anonymous]

Tell DD she is free to laugh in grandma's face every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It stands out that both of the examples you have given involve MIL buying something for DD. Does MIL find DD ungrateful or something? Could that make her irritable and be behind all of this?

I would have been grateful as could be for a grandmother taking me back-to-school shopping. Perhaps your daughter, in the grand scheme of things, is too, and that is why this personality of MIL's rolls off her shoulders? Whereas you are not?

No.

She criticizes her hair, the sport she plays, her favorite vacation location, her phone Lock Screen picture, her musical instrument, music… I can go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let them be alone. DH has clearly made his choice and it is to say nothing.

This. It’s your job to protect your child from behavior like this. Intervene: “Sally is not available to go shopping with you.”

As for the histrionics, so what? Let her get upset. That’s her choice. When you’re rude to people, including 13 year old grandkids, you don’t get to spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

DD is allowed to decline invitations with “grandma” (I use quotation marks because she doesn’t deserve the title) and doesn’t have to sit next to her. Only must greet and say goodbye politely, nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Does Grandma pull this crap when you are within earshot? If not, could your DD be exaggerating? I agree, it is your job to protect your DD. No more outings for awhile.

[Anonymous]

My mother can be similarly head-palming, but she's always been this way, and my children have never really wanted to hang out with her for very long. I don't force them too, because she was that way with me growing up, and I know how grating an accumulation of such behavior can be.

So... I would tell DD that seeing her Grandma is a CHOICE, not a duty. But if her Grandma is anything like my mother, she won't change however much people ask her to - that's a physical impossibility. Brain does not compute.

[Anonymous]

Despite what she says, I bet your DD does care.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter should not order something expensive and throw it out. It is rude. Grandma has the ultimate decision to agree or not when shopping and your daughter needs to respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter should not order something expensive and throw it out. It is rude. Grandma has the ultimate decision to agree or not when shopping and your daughter needs to respect that.

Grandma has entered the chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter should not order something expensive and throw it out. It is rude. Grandma has the ultimate decision to agree or not when shopping and your daughter needs to respect that.

I’m sorry $5 is expensive when you’re with your grandchildren. I’m sure your kids will enjoy your penny pinching hordes when you are dead.

[Anonymous]

If it rolls off your dd's back, I would leave her be. If she is annoyed, use this safe person (gma) to practice standing her ground and stating her own preferences. "I don't like when you critique the things I like gma". Ignoring and/or pushing back on nuisance comments will help her deal with opinions from others (there will be many and not all are worth worrying about). It sounds like your dd is already figuring this out though.