Are frequent tantrums at 4 normal?

[Anonymous]

My daughter turns 4 next week and she's been having a lot lately. Today we had 3 over various opinions of "not fair!" before we even started breakfast.

We had a nanny situation for a year and now I am SAH again and I think the nanny was giving into her. During another tantrum this evening after I turned off her TV, I ignored her for a bit until I finally said "crying isn't going to make me turn the TV back on". And like a someone flipped a switch, the crying theatrics with tears ended immediately. My point is- sometimes how people respond to the tantrums can sometimes perpetuate them and it's not always some developmental issue.

[Anonymous]

Right. Sorry, was thinking adhd because of the tantrums, but wrote autism.

Anyway, tantrums are normal for some 4 year olds, particularly young ones. It doesn’t mean all will have them, but 3 is a huge age for tantrums and some kids come out of it faster than others.

That’s why ADHD isn’t diagnosed until a bit older.

I wouldn’t bring it up with the parents, particularly if you are a childless family member. Perhaps you offer to watch the kid sometimes, even if the parents stay home so they can get work done around the house? 3 year olds and 4 year olds who still act like 3 year olds are really stressful.

You say it’s stressful for “any” observer but you mean you. I, and many people, are not stressed by someone else’s child’s tantrums. Even before kids I could tune it out. But now as a parent, another’s tantrums are nearly therapeutic I am so apathetic toward them. They could be screaming in my face and I’d be able to do calculus, eat popcorn, and plan my dinner for the week all at the same time. So I think some of this is a *you* problem that you’re so bothered by a child’s tantrums.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the thoughtful comments. As background, we (family with young child) have spent time with them for weeks at a time to visit. The tantrums happened daily (multiple times), over things like having ice in a cup, his sister brushing too close to him, etc. They were loud and stressed out the parents, who would have to take him outside or into another room until he calmed down. The parents have mentioned the behavior so it happens routinely (not just on vacation). He starts pre-school this year so we will see if others mention it; he was previously with a stay-at-home parent. Thus far, I have not said anything, just listened. I would like to see them get the support that they need so they can all be happier.

[Anonymous]

If these behaviors continue at preschool the teachers will definitely say something to the parents. Better that they hear it from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the thoughtful comments. As background, we (family with young child) have spent time with them for weeks at a time to visit. The tantrums happened daily (multiple times), over things like having ice in a cup, his sister brushing too close to him, etc. They were loud and stressed out the parents, who would have to take him outside or into another room until he calmed down. The parents have mentioned the behavior so it happens routinely (not just on vacation). He starts pre-school this year so we will see if others mention it; he was previously with a stay-at-home parent. Thus far, I have not said anything, just listened. I would like to see them get the support that they need so they can all be happier.

This is normal. It’s why adhd isn’t diagnosed at 3yo because many at this age do this stuff. Ignoring it is the best approach. Even negative attention reinforces it. Stress reinforces it.