Tired of managing my household

[Anonymous]

I’m back in the dating world. I only consider for serious dating those men who live alone, have groceries in their kitchen, meal plan at least part of the week, bathrooms look clean enough, their home appears to be in a relatively well maintained state, and I can get some indication that they care for their physical health (make medical and dental appts). Never again.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should read the book the family firm by emily oster. I haven't read it yet - but I want to. I'll plan to put it on my library hold list now that I am talking about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a white board where we write tasks for the weekend. We both add to it and we both check it and do stuff. That way it’s not me always asking him. Also, he writes stuff on it that I would never “see” and don’t care about, so it’s a way to remember DH does stuff that I don’t always mentally tally.

But, we have a similar dynamic to yours OP with driving kids to appointments (and one is SN with multiple appointments a week- most late afternoon or early evening). I have the more flexible job, so I don’t mind doing more than half. He’ll usually do it if I ask but rarely volunteers and never proactively lets me know he won’t be able to do. So it does set up a bad dynamic where him doing less than half of it still feels like he’s doing me a favor. Every once in while I rant at him about defaulting to me doing it all, and he gets better for a while.

Maybe once a month you both sit down, add upcoming appointments to the white, as well as any that need to be made, and you talk through who will do what.

[Anonymous]

Hunh? You have children? Then you need to manage your household. You can do it yourself, your DH can do it himself, you both can do it together, your family can help, you can outsource it - in short, it does not matter how you get there. You are a parent and your children deserve a smooth running household and a functional and calm family.

You are not only failing but you are a whiner.

- dw here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait all you have to do is ask him and he does it immediately? That actually sounds pretty good. Some people are just not planners. I asked my husband to make my kid an appointment and he didn’t for two months and then I just ended up doing it. If I make an appointment and he can plan around it he will take the child. I think having to ask is not that big a deal. Maybe either outsource more or just see yourself as the planner.

Don't conflate being disrespectful and inconsiderate with “not being a planner.”

What a clown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m back in the dating world. I only consider for serious dating those men who live alone, have groceries in their kitchen, meal plan at least part of the week, bathrooms look clean enough, their home appears to be in a relatively well maintained state, and I can get some indication that they care for their physical health (make medical and dental appts). Never again.

What about the ones who dump on the cleaners who come once a week?

[Anonymous]

My husband is the same. He helps. If I ask. He would literally watch me struggle to carry a boulder up a hill for a mile. He would carry it. If I asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have the money, hire help. If you have even more money, hire a household manager as well as services/people to execute tasks.

Yup. Just like men can hire cooks and cleaners, women can hire handymen and housekeepers. Just make sure to be active and equal partners in child raising, even if you two decide to hire nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of men don't "see" things that we women see, or if they do.. they just don't care. If it's not a big deal to him, he'll ignore it. But, since you care about it, and you ask him to do something, he'll do it (hopefully without making a fuss about it).

I am experiencing the same thing with my DH. He cannot multi-task, and he doesn't "see" things that need doing. I always have to meal plan because if I leave it up to him, we would end up eating frozen food or eating out because he didn't plan for anything. I meal plan, and he executes. At least he does it without complaining.

Been married for 20 years. I don't think he's gonna change now. He's 59.

But I thought men were SO VISUAL.

[Anonymous]

If money is the issue than find a marital counselor and learn to fairly negotiate household chores and smartly handle finances. If one person gas higher earning potential, other person can cut down hours so they can hold the fort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn if my husband did something the next day after I mentioned it I’d be THRILLED! I get that you don’t want to have to manage him like an employee, believe me I get it - but talk to any of your friends and a husband who does something the next day is going to be faster than probably 90% of husbands.

+1. DH is a great guy but he is super busy with long work hours and all those things you mention fall to me. It wouldn't occur to me to be resentful about it. He works hard and contributes a lot. Setting up a mosquito service or pulling the tape down myself seem like small things. Is there a bigger issue at play with your DH?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your husband secretly cares about biodiversity and doesn’t want to nuke your lawn just so you avoid having to put on bug spray?

[Anonymous]

You're basically describing the life of most married women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of men don't "see" things that we women see, or if they do.. they just don't care. If it's not a big deal to him, he'll ignore it. But, since you care about it, and you ask him to do something, he'll do it (hopefully without making a fuss about it).

I am experiencing the same thing with my DH. He cannot multi-task, and he doesn't "see" things that need doing. I always have to meal plan because if I leave it up to him, we would end up eating frozen food or eating out because he didn't plan for anything. I meal plan, and he executes. At least he does it without complaining.

Been married for 20 years. I don't think he's gonna change now. He's 59.

Sounds like my DH.
I have begun telling him precisely what I want him to do. I write it down.
He does it sometimes.
For example, his job is to vacuum and dust our small house every weekend.
How often does he do this? About as much as a teenager does. I usually have to remind him.
We need a new water filter. I've sent him articles. Has he read them? Has he looked at Consumer Reports? No.
So, no water filter. I refuse to do the things he won't do. Our garden is full of weeds. I've asked him to weed. Has he done it? No. So garden is weedy. He complains that our house looks terrible. So, weed, I tell him. Uh, he shuffles off.
I don't know what to tell you, OP. I hate living like this, but I've just stopped. Fortunately, our kids are grown. I eat leftovers, even though he's supposed to cook, or I go out and buy a sandwich. I cooked for 20+ years, and I told him I am not cooking any more.
Does he cook? On occasion, when he's hungry.
He's starting to realize that I won't do all the things I used to do. I have a full-time job too, but he makes more money, so apparently thinks he's more important, and his time is better used working and not doing anything around the house. So, it doesn't get done. If our house finally falls apart, well, I guess I'll move out.
In the meantime, I write him notes, and sometimes he does what he's told.
It's so frustrating, but there's nothing I can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn if my husband did something the next day after I mentioned it I’d be THRILLED! I get that you don’t want to have to manage him like an employee, believe me I get it - but talk to any of your friends and a husband who does something the next day is going to be faster than probably 90% of husbands.

But this is so completely unfair.
Men are trained to expect women to take care of them. Even men who claim to be equal and fair, blah blah blah, about women and relationships.
They would never behave this way at work.
One thing that makes an employee useful is initiative, noticing what needs to be done and asking if they can help with or take responsibility for that particular task.
Men just allow women to take over all household responsibility, even though they have the capability to both notice what needs to be done and do it themselves.
This behavior -- dumping most household and child care tasks on women -- is sexist and unfair and it needs to stop. Women should not accept this behavior as normal despite the fact that it's very common.