lying to dh about going out with friends

[Anonymous]

At least you're recognizing that it's a problem (the lying part)! That's half the battle! Personally, I don't think seeing your friends that often is excessive, but it'd be nice if your husband was aware and could weigh in on it too. Always Cross-checking schedules with dh may prove to be initially irritating, but it will be worth it in the end to have a clear conscience. And more importantly, it would be more kind to him - don't you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why I do this. I have done it since we were just dating/living together - not even engaged yet. But I like seeing my girlfriends often and I feel like he doesn't understand and judges me. He doesn't have a ton of friends - or I should say, he DOES have a large group of friends but they are fine seeing each other once every two or three weeks where that would be an eternity for me.

When I was in grad school, that was a great excuse because I always said I was working on group projects with people and that's why I was getting home late. When I worked, that was also a great excuse. Now I work PT and I really have no other obligations so I'm kind of running out of excuses... or should I just be honest? Would your DH's be okay with you seeing friends, say 3x/wk between weekend brunches, weeknight dinners, etc?

Does anyone else do this?

Completely bizarre. What are you? 24?
You could have gone to grad school and finished and still be really young and really clueless.

Because you sound clueless. 3X a week?! Ridic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why I do this. I have done it since we were just dating/living together - not even engaged yet. But I like seeing my girlfriends often and I feel like he doesn't understand and judges me. He doesn't have a ton of friends - or I should say, he DOES have a large group of friends but they are fine seeing each other once every two or three weeks where that would be an eternity for me.

When I was in grad school, that was a great excuse because I always said I was working on group projects with people and that's why I was getting home late. When I worked, that was also a great excuse. Now I work PT and I really have no other obligations so I'm kind of running out of excuses... or should I just be honest? Would your DH's be okay with you seeing friends, say 3x/wk between weekend brunches, weeknight dinners, etc?

Does anyone else do this?

Completely bizarre. What are you? 24?
You could have gone to grad school and finished and still be really young and really clueless.

Because you sound clueless. 3X a week?! Ridic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't lie to my husband about this but 3x a week is a bit much. I could see if you, DH and kids met up w/ your friend (and her family) together. Why are you really hiding this?

I agree - 3x/week? Really?

Why bother to marry and have a family?

[Anonymous]

My husband did this at the beginning of our marriage and it drove me crazy. Not sure if he lied about it, since he did tell me he was going out a lot. I always wondered if some of the times he "worked late" he really didn't. He worked at a company with a lot fo 20 somethings and a very social culture, so everyone would go out, whereas I was a school teacher with a long commute, so I didn't have any friends where we lived and sat at home. This eventually passed when we got different jobs. I think you should try to develop more married couple friendships so that he will be included. My husband's behavior just made me feel unloved.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why you are lieing. I think its great you still have such close friends, and they do a lot togethor. I wish I could get out of the house that often and have friends that could also. Clearly you have the time, you just make other excuses. Why not be honest?

I have few friend get togethors that don't involve kids, and my husband tends to be the social one (because it is easier for him to go out last minute, as he works late and I am not expecting him). I don't mind him going out with his friends, but I would mind if he lied about it. I'd wonder what he and his friends were doing or if he was really meeting another woman. And I would expect time off for myself, whehter or not it means I meet other people or just get out of the house by myself.

[Anonymous]

Look OP, if you need to see your friends three times a week, that's who you are. No one should criticize you for that.

But you should be in a relationship with someone who accepts you for who you are, and who knows who you are. For some reason, you don't feel comfortable being yourself in this relationship, and you haven't even given your husband a chance to accept who you are. Maybe you feel he will reject your need to socialize. Maybe you want independence. I don't know, I'm not in your head. But it seems to me that you take a chance and find out. It doesn't have to be some drama where you "come clean" about your socializing. Just let him know that you are spending time with friends some night. And then start to be honest. Depending on his reaction, you might find that you and your husband have a much deeper relationship than you thought. Or you might find that you are ready to leave the relationship. But I think you should get some counseling about why you feel the need to build this wall between your real self and the most important person in your life.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to keep your friendships, and it's ok to have some separate friendships from your husband. I might see my girlfriends 3x/week, though typically 2 of those times are with our kids, and it's usually different sets of friends I'm seeing on the various nights. I'm single and I had a very active social life before I had my daughter, so I try to keep up some vestiges of that. So I don't necessarily see anything wrong with spending time with friends.

I don't really get the lying, though. Just because your type of friendship is foreign to him doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means your friendships are different. It also sounds like you have more time on your hands than he does because you work PT and he works FT. (that might be an issue, FYI - are you sure he's ok with you working PT? He may resent that you're out having fun while he's bringing home the bacon for both of you. Valid point on his part, if true.)

Now if you're taking time away from him that he would like to spend with you, so that you can see your friends, you might want to re-examine your priorities. You're married to him, not them. In theory, being married implies that your first commitment is to him. But if you're using some of your free time when he's working to hang out with your girls, then hey. who cares. Stop lying, though. You probably wouldn't like it if he was lying to you, right? and he might start thinking you're hiding something that's actually bad, like an affair. Eek.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom is like this. She doesn't exactly lie about things, but "hides" things she does. Like, she will have plans with a sibling of mine to help them with something on Saturday and I, not knowing that, ask her to get together for lunch on Saturday. Rather than telling me she and __ have plans, she will hem and haw and say, mmmm how about lunch on Sunday? This is probably not the best example but it's silly stuff like that, that doesn't really matter, but she must think it does. She's always been this way.

I always knew she did this, and I unconsciously picked this up from her. I would never lie to boyfriends, but would leave things out if I thought they might disagree or judge me. For example, if I knew a boyfriend was frugal and I went out and spent a lot of money on a purse, I would leave out not only how much it cost but where I bought it. I went to therapy for other reasons, but one thing that came out of it is that I want to be with someone who I can be open and honest with, who will accept me as I am. It doesn't feel good to me to have secrets and feel like I have to hide things. It feels deceptive and shameful and I hate feeling that way.

I finally got where I want to be with a boyfriend, who is now my husband. I am very open with him, even when it is hard and my inclination is not to be. For example, we recently had our first baby and while on maternity leave I bought a ton of baby stuff, work clothes for me (pre-preg ones don't fit yet), went to lunch with friends, etc. - needless to say I ran up quite a credit card bill, way higher than usual (clearly from my examples, money is an area where I had secrecy issues!). I pay our bills most of the time, and could have just paid the bill and put it away and he probably wouldn't have noticed. Instead, I told him to sit down, lol, and guess how much our bill was. And it was fine.

I encourage you to think about WHY you don't feel like you can be honest with your husband about how you are spending your time, and whether this lack of honesty is manifesting in other areas of your relationship. Therapy could be really useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom is like this. She doesn't exactly lie about things, but "hides" things she does. Like, she will have plans with a sibling of mine to help them with something on Saturday and I, not knowing that, ask her to get together for lunch on Saturday. Rather than telling me she and __ have plans, she will hem and haw and say, mmmm how about lunch on Sunday? This is probably not the best example but it's silly stuff like that, that doesn't really matter, but she must think it does. She's always been this way.

I always knew she did this, and I unconsciously picked this up from her. I would never lie to boyfriends, but would leave things out if I thought they might disagree or judge me. For example, if I knew a boyfriend was frugal and I went out and spent a lot of money on a purse, I would leave out not only how much it cost but where I bought it. I went to therapy for other reasons, but one thing that came out of it is that I want to be with someone who I can be open and honest with, who will accept me as I am. It doesn't feel good to me to have secrets and feel like I have to hide things. It feels deceptive and shameful and I hate feeling that way.
I finally got where I want to be with a boyfriend, who is now my husband. I am very open with him, even when it is hard and my inclination is not to be. For example, we recently had our first baby and while on maternity leave I bought a ton of baby stuff, work clothes for me (pre-preg ones don't fit yet), went to lunch with friends, etc. - needless to say I ran up quite a credit card bill, way higher than usual (clearly from my examples, money is an area where I had secrecy issues!). I pay our bills most of the time, and could have just paid the bill and put it away and he probably wouldn't have noticed. Instead, I told him to sit down, lol, and guess how much our bill was. And it was fine.

I encourage you to think about WHY you don't feel like you can be honest with your husband about how you are spending your time, and whether this lack of honesty is manifesting in other areas of your relationship. Therapy could be really useful.

PP brings up a great point. How does the deception make you feel? If it makes you feel bad on some level, it may be important to get rid of this source of constant negativity. You may not even be aware of it, but it can have a big negative impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why I do this. I have done it since we were just dating/living together - not even engaged yet. But I like seeing my girlfriends often and I feel like he doesn't understand and judges me. He doesn't have a ton of friends - or I should say, he DOES have a large group of friends but they are fine seeing each other once every two or three weeks where that would be an eternity for me.

When I was in grad school, that was a great excuse because I always said I was working on group projects with people and that's why I was getting home late. When I worked, that was also a great excuse. Now I work PT and I really have no other obligations so I'm kind of running out of excuses... or should I just be honest? Would your DH's be okay with you seeing friends, say 3x/wk between weekend brunches, weeknight dinners, etc?

Does anyone else do this?

How would feel if you found out your husband had been telling you lies since you were dating? Good relationships, especially marriage and parenting, are based on truth. It is, in fact, the very foundation of any good relationship. You've got a big problem and you should come clean with your husband before he finds out for himself and wonders just exactly what kind of relaitonship you are having with either a male or female friend.