lying to dh about going out with friends

[Anonymous]

I don't know why I do this. I have done it since we were just dating/living together - not even engaged yet. But I like seeing my girlfriends often and I feel like he doesn't understand and judges me. He doesn't have a ton of friends - or I should say, he DOES have a large group of friends but they are fine seeing each other once every two or three weeks where that would be an eternity for me.

When I was in grad school, that was a great excuse because I always said I was working on group projects with people and that's why I was getting home late. When I worked, that was also a great excuse. Now I work PT and I really have no other obligations so I'm kind of running out of excuses... or should I just be honest? Would your DH's be okay with you seeing friends, say 3x/wk between weekend brunches, weeknight dinners, etc?

Does anyone else do this?

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like you have a very fundamental problem in your relationship. I'm definitely not a perfect person, but I would never lie to my husband. Once dishonesty enters a relationship, trust is in jeopardy. Being in a relationship with someone you don't trust sounds like hell to me. I would not marry him unless you can work this out first.

To answer your question about spending time with friends vs. significant other, everyne's different, obviously, but honestly, I would be unhappy if my husband went out with friends more than 1x/week without me.

[Anonymous]

My husband is my best friend. Any time we can spend together outside of our busy schedules is precious. I have friends at work, but can't imagine that I would need to see them otherwise. Can't you talk to your husband?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't lie to my husband about this but 3x a week is a bit much. I could see if you, DH and kids met up w/ your friend (and her family) together. Why are you really hiding this?

[Anonymous]

15:52 here. After reading 15:53's post, I agree with her. To be honest, I probably wouldn't be happy if DH went out more than once every 3 weeks without me. There's some truth to the old cliche that being married is being the "other half."

We actually go out without eachother once every 3 months, if even that. We have a baby, and that's part of it. There's not much time left at the end of the work day. Either I see my friends OR I see DH on a weekday.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I guess I am surprised. Maybe some people are just more social than others? I could NEVER see my friends once every three months!!

I guess it could also be that DH and I don't have a lot of mutual friends, so we hardly ever go out with friends together. Maybe you guys socialize with your dh's and that is the difference?

[Anonymous]

I see my friends about 3 times a week, and no, I would never lie to my husband about it. Social is who I am, for better or for worse. This is not a surprise to him. Just as it isn't a surprise to me that he is a total homebody, and so I don't get my panties in a bunch when he declines to do anything social with me. My marriage has problems, but no petty lies involved. This sort of thing can only escalate, OP, so I encourage you to turn over a new leaf. Even if you don't come clean about the past, be honest going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like you have a very fundamental problem in your relationship. I'm definitely not a perfect person, but I would never lie to my husband. Once dishonesty enters a relationship, trust is in jeopardy. Being in a relationship with someone you don't trust sounds like hell to me. I would not marry him unless you can work this out first.

To answer your question about spending time with friends vs. significant other, everyne's different, obviously, but honestly, I would be unhappy if my husband went out with friends more than 1x/week without me.

[Anonymous]

I don't think seeing friends 3x/week is a problem or excessive, and I don't think there's anything wrong with doing things separately from your DH.

**But** I think the lying about it is a huge problem. And if you have kids and there are childcare issues that come up with your going out (i.e. more time in daycare, relying on DH to entertain the kids), then that's another big issue. If my DH left me with the kids saying he was working and he was out playing with friends I'd be royally put out. But if he wants to see a buddy and take our DC with him while I get some alone time? Terrific!

[Anonymous]

Do you get along with his friends? Does he get along with your friends? When you say that you don't have many mutual friends, I worry that there is something that each of you needs that is incompatible with the other person. I dated someone like that. I didn't have anything in common with his friends. He didn't particularly enjoy my friends. As we dated longer, it became more obvious that the differences in our friends were hints at important differences between US. We eventually broke up.

[Anonymous]

I go out about once a week without my husband. I'm just more social than he is, have more single girl friends, and we mostly see his friends when I'm there too (not by design, that's just how it works out). I limit my girls' nights to once a week because any more feels like too much time away from my husband. I would never lie to him and agree that 3x/week seems like a whole lot, especially because you are being dishonest about it.

[Anonymous]

OP,

The lying is a huge problem. Get into therapy right now. Seriously. It's pathological, it's a sign that you are not in the marriage 100%, it gives you some bizarre sense of power over him and/or it's the an addictive gambler (risking getting caught). Also, wanting to see friends three times a week suggests his company's not doing it for you. Do you love him?

[Anonymous]

Well, let me first just say that there are no childcare issues. That is not a problem at all and I would not lie about that, I agree, that would really piss me off hugely if I were in his position. Although, I guess the lying about nothing would piss me off too. I don't really know how it started.. I should really stop though and I probably will. I don't even have a reason to lie. I definitely grew up in a home where my mom was always lying to my stepdad about trivial things (how many times/wk the cleaning lady came, how much money she spent on things, whatever) and I sort of picked it up. We actually do have a great marriage 99% of the time so I am not sure why I do this.

In terms of the friend issue, I REALLY wish we had more mutual friends!! We do have a few, but the vast majority of both of our friends are single and I think that contributes to it. He is also 6 years older than me and is a little less social, more type A, etc, so I don't know that we would even attract the same kinds of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

The lying is a huge problem. Get into therapy right now. Seriously. It's pathological, it's a sign that you are not in the marriage 100%, it gives you some bizarre sense of power over him and/or it's the an addictive gambler (risking getting caught). Also, wanting to see friends three times a week suggests his company's not doing it for you. Do you love him?

It's helpful that you say you saw your mom lying. I agree with 16:15 that ideally, therapy would help. We pick up things from our families without realizing the reasons behind our actions. I know people who lie in their marriages for no good reason. In many cases it's laziness -- it's easier to say something that won't cause conflict and won't force you to change. It's a terrible way to treat a partner. It's basically like saying the other person's opinion and feelings don't matter, since you'll do what you want anyway, and and you won't even bother to discuss it.

[Anonymous]

If you are lying about your whereabouts three times a week, something is going to go wrong. That's practically a double life. One day he is going to figure out something doesn't add up. And he will think you are cheating on him. Even if he eventually finds out the truth, the damage may be done.