DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid has HFA, adhd and anxiety, and he us unmedicated. DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare that he goes daily after school because he does not want our kid gets special attention and treatment. He wants him to get real with real life. The problem is kid got trouble before with other kid interaction at aftercare, and I got calls of notification. It is sometimes other kids fault and sometimes it is his fault. They are little kids at elementary school, but I feel like I need to share this info if my kid goes there every day. I just mention that he has this and that diagnosis, and it is less than a min talk. I am the primary caregiver to get called first and I also work full time.

Do you share or not share in my situation? They have new onsite aftercare director, so I shared with them which pissed DH off.

Is he afraid that the aftercare will tell you that they aren't equipped to handle him and kick you out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart hurts for you and your child hearing this. Toughening up SN kids--or adults for that matter--to the "real world" is total BS. The "real world" is a broken patriarchy to fit the ideals of WHITE MEN. I don't know your husband's race, ethnicity, etc, but wouldn't it be nice if we could accommodate/normalize people with different sensory needs, women who just had kids, generational cycles of poverty and racism. I am a social worker and so tired of hearing this story over and over, particularly from husbands. Walk on the wild side of the world not revolving around your lens and get uncomfortable thinking there could be a different norm for just two seconds.

I highly encourage you to do what you know in your bones is right for your son. By holding back this information he is going to develop and internal message that he is bad and anxiety. If you don't get him accommodations there won't be an aftercare for him sooner or later due to his behavior or him being miserable/traumatized and I can guess who will need to figure out what to do during that time or take off work to watch him... YOU!

I will step off my high horse, for now.

This poster for president!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart hurts for you and your child hearing this. Toughening up SN kids--or adults for that matter--to the "real world" is total BS. The "real world" is a broken patriarchy to fit the ideals of WHITE MEN. I don't know your husband's race, ethnicity, etc, but wouldn't it be nice if we could accommodate/normalize people with different sensory needs, women who just had kids, generational cycles of poverty and racism. I am a social worker and so tired of hearing this story over and over, particularly from husbands. Walk on the wild side of the world not revolving around your lens and get uncomfortable thinking there could be a different norm for just two seconds.

I highly encourage you to do what you know in your bones is right for your son. By holding back this information he is going to develop and internal message that he is bad and anxiety. If you don't get him accommodations there won't be an aftercare for him sooner or later due to his behavior or him being miserable/traumatized and I can guess who will need to figure out what to do during that time or take off work to watch him... YOU!

I will step off my high horse, for now.

Thank you pp. This post means a lot to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My heart hurts for you and your child hearing this. Toughening up SN kids--or adults for that matter--to the "real world" is total BS. The "real world" is a broken patriarchy to fit the ideals of WHITE MEN. I don't know your husband's race, ethnicity, etc, but wouldn't it be nice if we could accommodate/normalize people with different sensory needs, women who just had kids, generational cycles of poverty and racism. I am a social worker and so tired of hearing this story over and over, particularly from husbands. Walk on the wild side of the world not revolving around your lens and get uncomfortable thinking there could be a different norm for just two seconds.

I highly encourage you to do what you know in your bones is right for your son. By holding back this information he is going to develop and internal message that he is bad and anxiety. If you don't get him accommodations there won't be an aftercare for him sooner or later due to his behavior or him being miserable/traumatized and I can guess who will need to figure out what to do during that time or take off work to watch him... YOU!

I will step off my high horse, for now.

This poster for president!

+100

[Anonymous]

Now that my kids are older and I’m thinking about it, we never shared with after care. It seemed like a revolving door of staff, no matter where we were. Maybe you places are different but ours had staff that were not well paid and never stayed long. This includes the school based program, martial arts programs, private pick up programs…. When a place wasn’t working we stuck it out a little while then eventually tried to find something new if it didn’t improve.

[Anonymous]

Don't share if he doesn't want to. The workers have some ideas already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid has HFA, adhd and anxiety, and he us unmedicated. DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare that he goes daily after school because he does not want our kid gets special attention and treatment. He wants him to get real with real life. The problem is kid got trouble before with other kid interaction at aftercare, and I got calls of notification. It is sometimes other kids fault and sometimes it is his fault. They are little kids at elementary school, but I feel like I need to share this info if my kid goes there every day. I just mention that he has this and that diagnosis, and it is less than a min talk. I am the primary caregiver to get called first and I also work full time.

Do you share or not share in my situation? They have new onsite aftercare director, so I shared with them which pissed DH off.

They already know. You can put a name on it for them if you want, but it's not like they haven't noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid has HFA, adhd and anxiety, and he us unmedicated. DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare that he goes daily after school because he does not want our kid gets special attention and treatment. He wants him to get real with real life. The problem is kid got trouble before with other kid interaction at aftercare, and I got calls of notification. It is sometimes other kids fault and sometimes it is his fault. They are little kids at elementary school, but I feel like I need to share this info if my kid goes there every day. I just mention that he has this and that diagnosis, and it is less than a min talk. I am the primary caregiver to get called first and I also work full time.

Do you share or not share in my situation? They have new onsite aftercare director, so I shared with them which pissed DH off.

They already know. You can put a name on it for them if you want, but it's not like they haven't noticed.

They might recognize and notice differences and challenges with the child But they likely have no education around how to support them or what to look out for which is where you step in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid has HFA, adhd and anxiety, and he us unmedicated. DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare that he goes daily after school because he does not want our kid gets special attention and treatment. He wants him to get real with real life. The problem is kid got trouble before with other kid interaction at aftercare, and I got calls of notification. It is sometimes other kids fault and sometimes it is his fault. They are little kids at elementary school, but I feel like I need to share this info if my kid goes there every day. I just mention that he has this and that diagnosis, and it is less than a min talk. I am the primary caregiver to get called first and I also work full time.

Do you share or not share in my situation? They have new onsite aftercare director, so I shared with them which pissed DH off.

Is he afraid that the aftercare will tell you that they aren't equipped to handle him and kick you out?

Just FYI, it is well established that aftercare must make reasonable accommodations for disability - they can’t just kick you out upon hearing the diagnosis. Reasonable accommodations include extra staff and closer supervision if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even more helpful than the diagnosis, is letting the team at aftercare know strategies to use with your son. Does he need a quiet place to calm down? Someone to talk to? Just to be left alone? Although, I personally would share the diagnosis as well, so they understand why he needs accommodations.

Also, if there are specific things that he has issues with at aftercare- like standing in line or keeping his hands to himself- discuss them at home. Social stories were help to my kid at that age. His teacher took photos in different situations of “good” behavior and made a little book. We read it every night for a long time, until it began to sink in.

This is great advice. You don't need to share the diagnosis if your DH is uncomfortable with it but alerting the staff to strategies to help your child be successful is good for everyone - your child, the aftercare and you.

[Anonymous]

Former aftercare director here. We already know. We spend a lot of time with these kids. Tell the director and say what things help or trigger your child. Otherwise you risk your kid getting kicked out for repeated unexplained bad behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid has HFA, adhd and anxiety, and he us unmedicated. DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare that he goes daily after school because he does not want our kid gets special attention and treatment. He wants him to get real with real life. The problem is kid got trouble before with other kid interaction at aftercare, and I got calls of notification. It is sometimes other kids fault and sometimes it is his fault. They are little kids at elementary school, but I feel like I need to share this info if my kid goes there every day. I just mention that he has this and that diagnosis, and it is less than a min talk. I am the primary caregiver to get called first and I also work full time.

Do you share or not share in my situation? They have new onsite aftercare director, so I shared with them which pissed DH off.

Yes, you absolutely share, this is not even a question in my mind. Your DH is dead wrong. It's irresponsible not to share your kids' needs with their caregivers. Look at it this way - if your child had diabetes and needed insulin would you not share? If your kid was allergic to peanut butter, would you keep that secret? This is no different.

Not sharing is going to lead to bad outcomes for your child, I can almost guarantee it. And then at some point when things blow up, it will all come out and you are going to look like idiots for not disclosing relevant information.

If you absolutely can't convince your DH to disclose, then at least change him to the primary caregiver and immediate contact so that he can deal with the problems that are sure to come up, including the phone calls. Maybe that will wake him up.

I'm also going to hazard a wild guess that your kid is unmedicated because DH is in denial? It sounds like you have larger issues, OP. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even more helpful than the diagnosis, is letting the team at aftercare know strategies to use with your son. Does he need a quiet place to calm down? Someone to talk to? Just to be left alone? Although, I personally would share the diagnosis as well, so they understand why he needs accommodations.

Also, if there are specific things that he has issues with at aftercare- like standing in line or keeping his hands to himself- discuss them at home. Social stories were help to my kid at that age. His teacher took photos in different situations of “good” behavior and made a little book. We read it every night for a long time, until it began to sink in.

This is great advice. You don't need to share the diagnosis if your DH is uncomfortable with it but alerting the staff to strategies to help your child be successful is good for everyone - your child, the aftercare and you.

You do need to share the diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't share if he doesn't want to. The workers have some ideas already.

this is very bad advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the kid?

Share needs, not diagnosis. If you share diagnosis they will invent a different child based on their own experience, instead of caring for your actual child's actual needs.

Wrong!

Child is only entitled to accommodations if they share the diagnosis.