DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare

[Anonymous]

Kid has HFA, adhd and anxiety, and he us unmedicated. DH is against me sharing diagnosis with aftercare that he goes daily after school because he does not want our kid gets special attention and treatment. He wants him to get real with real life. The problem is kid got trouble before with other kid interaction at aftercare, and I got calls of notification. It is sometimes other kids fault and sometimes it is his fault. They are little kids at elementary school, but I feel like I need to share this info if my kid goes there every day. I just mention that he has this and that diagnosis, and it is less than a min talk. I am the primary caregiver to get called first and I also work full time.

Do you share or not share in my situation? They have new onsite aftercare director, so I shared with them which pissed DH off.

[Anonymous]

You need to get the psychologist who diagnosed your child to talk one-on-one with your husband and persuade him that these issues will not go away, and have to be accommodated while the child is young.

Disclose as needed, of course. Maybe right now you can start aftercare without disclosing anything, and see how it goes. This requires constant vigilance in order to act promptly when a situation arises, and your husband needs to understand that he can't let his wife lift that burden all by herself. It's a common occurrence that fathers feel shame and don't want to disclose anything, then let mothers deal with the fallout because they aren't paying attention during the year.

My ADHD/ASD child had an IEP, then a 504, and now has accommodations in college. He has continued to improve and progress all his life, BECAUSE of the "special treatment". Effectively, services and accommodations increase the chances that such children will become functional and financially independent adults.

Your husband needs to understand that considerations for his child's diagnoses won't hold his kid back. It's his backward and regressive beliefs that will hold his kid back.

[Anonymous]

Ah, I see that your DH thinks that ignoring SNs makes them go away. He will learn that it is not true, but everyone will suffer in the meantime.

You could, I suppose, share specific strategies and needs without ever sharing the diagnosis. It’s dumb, but you could do it.

What exactly does he think the points of a diagnosis is, if not to help communicate a child’s needs?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you already shared the diagnosis? Cat’s out of the bag.

[Anonymous]

There’s a difference between broadcasting a diagnosis far and wide, and keeping your child’s caregivers in the loop. Would your dh want to care for a child with multiple diagnoses and have no clue what things the child struggles with or what might trigger certain behaviors? The purpose of aftercare is to provide supervision, not to make square pegs fit into round holes. Help these people do their jobs.

[Anonymous]

Does DH think permissive parenting caused the SN? Or he is in denial?

Your kid is the one suffering because of DH’s pride.

That’s a lot for the aftercare to handle, though, and a lot for your kid to handle after a full day of school. Does he have to go to aftercare?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you always have to share - sometimes the program has seen it all and will know what they are dealing with whether or not you share. But if there are repeated problems and you need more support, you probably have to share.

Over time as my DS has gotten older I’ve been more willing to just see how the program/camp deals with him instead of assuming that I have to do a lot of prep work. But this is because I have learned that even if I do share the dx and behaviors they might see, that doesn’t provide any guarantee the program will actually be a good fit! Either they get my kid or they don’t. It becomes quickly apparent and my disclosure is usually it relevant. The exception is programs that have a bona fide inclusion support staff to tap into- but there just are not many of those around

HOWEVER - your DH’s blanket refusal is wrong. I wouldn’t agree with him to never disclose.

[Anonymous]

Well, the staff will likely pick up on it immediately. You may as well tell them for his sake and theirs.

[Anonymous]

Sure, but take your name off the contact form and list only your husband. Or type his phone number for both your work/cell phone and his. Either way, he is now in charge of fielding all the phone calls from school, and leaving to go pick up early whenever a situation arises.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

(Alternatively, your husband could pull his head out of his ass and show some understanding for both your child and the hard-working people who care for him. Not giving them the info and tools they need to do their job -- which is to help him feel safe and supported, so he in turn can learn and grow -- is incredibly disrespectful.)

[Anonymous]

Even more helpful than the diagnosis, is letting the team at aftercare know strategies to use with your son. Does he need a quiet place to calm down? Someone to talk to? Just to be left alone? Although, I personally would share the diagnosis as well, so they understand why he needs accommodations.

Also, if there are specific things that he has issues with at aftercare- like standing in line or keeping his hands to himself- discuss them at home. Social stories were help to my kid at that age. His teacher took photos in different situations of “good” behavior and made a little book. We read it every night for a long time, until it began to sink in.

[Anonymous]

Make your DH deal with this. Tell the staff you have changed your phone number, and re-do the forms with his number in all the number spots. Do NOT pick up the phone if they call you, they can leave a message and you can call back if it's truly necessary.

If your DH thinks the staff can't tell, he's fooling himself. But that's what men will do sometimes. He will only change if he has to experience the consequences himself.

[Anonymous]

You're going to making him read this thread, right, OP?

Please consider that one reason your husband may be stubborn about this is that he may have the same diagnoses himself. This is the situation in my family. Both DH and DS have ADHD/ASD. It took MANY years for my husband to understand that just because he survived without childhood diagnoses or treatments or accommodations, it doesn't mean that our child has to suffer the same fate. It's not "what doesn't kill you make you stronger". It's "how can I not traumatize this child too much and get him the best tools to make progress?"

Now in this particular instance, disclosing might not change anything. But it's a safeguard in the event something does happen, so that the staff is aware of your child's possible reactions, and is prepared to behave in way that will cause the least amount of conflict and misunderstandings.

Now is the time to disclose. When he's a teen, he might have his own wishes about disclosure.

[Anonymous]

How old is the kid?

Share needs, not diagnosis. If you share diagnosis they will invent a different child based on their own experience, instead of caring for your actual child's actual needs.

[Anonymous]

My heart hurts for you and your child hearing this. Toughening up SN kids--or adults for that matter--to the "real world" is total BS. The "real world" is a broken patriarchy to fit the ideals of WHITE MEN. I don't know your husband's race, ethnicity, etc, but wouldn't it be nice if we could accommodate/normalize people with different sensory needs, women who just had kids, generational cycles of poverty and racism. I am a social worker and so tired of hearing this story over and over, particularly from husbands. Walk on the wild side of the world not revolving around your lens and get uncomfortable thinking there could be a different norm for just two seconds.

I highly encourage you to do what you know in your bones is right for your son. By holding back this information he is going to develop and internal message that he is bad and anxiety. If you don't get him accommodations there won't be an aftercare for him sooner or later due to his behavior or him being miserable/traumatized and I can guess who will need to figure out what to do during that time or take off work to watch him... YOU!

I will step off my high horse, for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart hurts for you and your child hearing this. Toughening up SN kids--or adults for that matter--to the "real world" is total BS. The "real world" is a broken patriarchy to fit the ideals of WHITE MEN. I don't know your husband's race, ethnicity, etc, but wouldn't it be nice if we could accommodate/normalize people with different sensory needs, women who just had kids, generational cycles of poverty and racism. I am a social worker and so tired of hearing this story over and over, particularly from husbands. Walk on the wild side of the world not revolving around your lens and get uncomfortable thinking there could be a different norm for just two seconds.

I highly encourage you to do what you know in your bones is right for your son. By holding back this information he is going to develop and internal message that he is bad and anxiety. If you don't get him accommodations there won't be an aftercare for him sooner or later due to his behavior or him being miserable/traumatized and I can guess who will need to figure out what to do during that time or take off work to watch him... YOU!

I will step off my high horse, for now.

PP. The bolded sentence in my last post is directed at husbands, not you. You sound lovely.