Is this emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

To the male poster, this is OP. Hubby has a habit of lashing out when under stress or things don't go his way. It wasn't so noticable before kids, life was less busy and stressful. If this was a one time thing sure yes, I'd understand. But its all the time, the faces when he sees me naked, the mean comments muttered under his breath. Everytime he sees an average guy with a beautiful woman, he's upset, like why was he stuck with me. He's told me to my face that he'd be a good catch and that tons of women would be interested in him. One time I was sitting holding our son and he encircled my arm with his hand and said they were huge. It's like I can tell he tries to hold back as much as he can then it builds and builds and builds and then it just all explodes. He has a history of this and other problems related to anger management. Sometimes I think I eat from the stress of dealing with his negative attitude on a daily basis. It's like walking on eggshells sometimes. What will irritate him today?

Not sure best way to approach weight issue with spouse, but likely they already know they need to get fit. Nagging doesn't help. Helping to support healthy lifestyle at home (healthy foods, reducing fatty restaurant trips, etc.) does help. Feeling loved no matter what would go a long way.

[Anonymous]

OP, you hit the nail on the head. The problem is bigger (no pun intended) than you -- Anger management. It's emotional abuse because of the constant humiliation and degradation -- he is not just saying I am not attracted to you, you need to work on this for us, he is insulting and embarassing you. I also went through this myself years and years ago with an abusive boyfriend (but got skinny after I dumped him and stayed that way). Anyway -- unfortunately, this is who DH is and if it's not your weight, what else is it going to be? It is unacceptable and you don't want to set the example for your child(ren) that this is acceptable in a relationship. DH either has to agree to counseling to get to the root of his anger issues or he has to get out. You are stronger than you think you are. Don't let him cut you down and don't believe it ("you'll never meet anyone else" "I'm the best you'll ever get" "you deserve it"). That strong person is inside you.

[Anonymous]

What makes this classically abusive? A few things: (1) A random, meaningless event (the husband mistakenly put on the wife's drycleaning) has triggered an ongoing angry outburst that is completely unrelated to the event that triggered it and completely beyond the control of the outburst's target. (2) The abuser behaves as if the target's behavior (being overweight) is directed at him as some sort of personal affront meant to hurt, damage and insult him. (3) The abuser's behavior is meant to embarrass and humiliate, not to express concern.

It's fine to "notice" that one's spouse is overweight. It's another thing entirely to emotionally abuse one's spouse.

[Anonymous]

To the guy poster:

I'm the 10:15 poster and my issue is completely different than the OP. I gently tell DH that I wish he would lose weight for the family, among many reasons another is we cannot qualify for life insurance that is even remotely affordable because of his weight. He is classified as obese (by just a few pounds and won't even lose that!!!) If he dies, the kids and I are up the creek financially. Secondly, it really hurts my sex drive, which impacts him too and he complains about me not wanting it as much as him, I tell him why in a round about way. Also, I would NEVER EVER make fun, embarrass, or humiliate him over his weight and if I ever became aware I was doing that I would feel like a real loser, I love my husband and have been with him for 12 years and want us to grow old together. He's actually a pretty jolly fat guy. Likes himself just the way he is, he's extremely confident in his plumpness and I admire that. Goodness, he shamelessly removes his shirt at public places (where appropriate) or when doing yard work exposing his man boobs and terrible red stretch marks-yes guys get then too. The OP is beat down emotionally by her husband and I would venture to assume abused emotionally, she is not happy with herself and I would think it is driving her to be too tired to exercise and be as active as is her potential (depression) and causes her to eat even more.

[Anonymous]

Hey 10:15 you have a great attitude about the issue with your husband. Sounds like you will be growing old together.

[Anonymous]

This is OP...husband was away all weekend for a sports tournament and its been pure bliss. No worries, I relaxed with son, was the best weekend EVER. Was perfect timing for me to think and figure out what's next.

[Anonymous]

A lot has already been covered on this thread, but I just wanted to stress that your weight here is not the issue at all, so please don't focus on that. I experienced something similar to you. Conversley I was accused of being no longer attractive as too thin after baby (the reason for the weight loss was because DH was making me so miserable that I couldn't eat). Then it moved to me not being as attractive other women (for the record I am attractive but have never worked as a model!) So - it is not the weight- it is whatever they can find to dig at you. Be kind to yourself and forget any weight problem that he has tried to use to control you. You are beautiful as you are.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a wonderful woman. As an arm-chair psychologist, it sounds like your husband is just never satisfied with his life as is. (e.g., getting upset over 20 pounds, talking about all the other woman who would like to date him, 8 jobs in 10 years?!).

Like others said, work on yourself for you alone. If he is so upset with these 20 pounds, tell him he needs to pay for a nutritionist, personal chef, or he needs to take over grocery shopping and cooking.