Is this emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

So I've gained 20 pounds since DS was born 3 years ago. Went from a size 10 to a 14. I'm not happy about it but I do exercise twice a week and have inconsistently worked on improving my food choices. However, it's been up and down. Husband makes it clear he doesn't like the new look. He comments about attractive women when we are together. And then wonders why we aren't intimate more often. *would you want to be intimate with someone who tells you you look fat?

This am we're dressing for work. He grabs pants from the cleaners and slips them on. They slide on and he realizes they are mine. He starts in saying that its ridiculous to have a wife with pants bigger than his (he's a size 32-33) and starts muttering. Second this happens, switch to cranky/evil side take over. He's cranky, scowling, making faces, sighing and overall being completely unpleasant. This goes on all the way to work (we drop off son together at school and commute together).

He says that I don't care about myself why should he. And that I can't see how bad I look. I just can't allow this to continue. Something in my gut says that even if I did get back to prepreg weight, that something else would be an issue then. Any advice on how to deal? I'm ready to leave over this if it doesn't end.

[Anonymous]

You already know the answer to this question. My sister was married to a man like this. You deserve much better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that is without a doubt emotional abuse. Psychotherapist mom (with two decades of experience) speaking here.

[Anonymous]

Dr. Phil had an episode yesterday about a husband who was emotionally abusive to his wife re: her weight - it was heartbreaking - don't know if you could see the episode (or maybe you wouldn't want to) it does sound like he may have other issues as well.......I am sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the exact same boat on the weight front - I gained 20 pounds to a size 14! All I can say is: my DH has never said a word and I am so thankful for it. I am already down on myself enough. If your marriage, to him, is a fleeting as 20 lbs, then there is definitely a problem. I'm so sorry you have to hear all of that (I'm starting to cry a little here!) - you should not feel that kind of hurt from your husband. Is he saying his love is conditional? So sorry.

All I can say is: focus on yourself- Don't lose weight for him, but do things that make you feel great. Go buy some clothes, make up, hair, etc...Once I "embraced" my chubbiness I noticed a lot more attention - i got quite a bit this morning from men That said - now that I feel better, I've lost 5 lbs in the past 2 weeks. Now that the weather is getting nice, I plan to step it up even more. I hope to lose 15 lbs more in the next 6 weeks (by Memorial Day).

Good luck! Please have a talk with him - does he know he's hurting you this badly?

[zumbamama]

Don't take that kind of talk from him...put your foot down and tell him what you think. I wouldn't stand for that kind of disrespect. Maybe find a couple flaws on him that you could focus on so he can see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Abuse. Dump him if it continues and then when single lose all the weight and make sure he sees you looking like a complete HOTTIE

On a side note, my DH has gained a lot of weight (35lbs) since we had DS. It really is discouraging for me and sometimes i say things, certainly not abusive, but more along the lines about wanting him to be around until we're old...being able to play ball with DS when he's a teen. But I must admit, it has really put a damper on our sex life, I'm just not that physically attracted to him anymore. I've hinted this to him and its just so frustrating that he doesn't want to look good for me and disregards me. I only bring healthy foods into the house and cook meals at home that are well balanced, but I think he goes to work and eats these crazy fat filled huge lunches with his buddies and its really packing on the pounds. I've worked hard to get back in shape after children, particularly for myself, but I want to look good for hubby, but he apparantly does not feel the same. I would NEVER do the hurtful things your DH (why would you intentionally be creul to someone you love?) is doing and will still be with my husband even if he were 800lbs, but it does effect me still and is very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

OP here thanks for your messages. Zumba mom the exercise class I started was Zumba...so far really fun! I did exactly what you recommended. Told him he quits things soon as they get hard (has had 8 jobs in 10 years). As good as that felt, it didn't solve the problem.

You know what the funny thing is? I got very scared when my weight hit 170 (that is the top for me besides pregnancy) and the last two weeks lost 4 pounds. Went to Zumba and been eating good. So after two weeks of this, my positive reinforcement is my husband's nasty tirade.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm speechless. I gained 100 pounds during and after a 2006 pregnancy and from PPD and anti-depressants. (I've now lost all but 20.) My husband never said anything nasty or derogatory about my weight and in fact bucked up my spirits when I felt like I couldn't go out in public.

Your husband treats you this badly when you have gained a MERE 20 lbs? That's insane. I mean, now that I'm down to my pre-pregnancy weight, plus 20, my husband raves about how fantastic I look to everyone who calls and asks about me. He can't get over my appearance.

Your husband is your life partner. He should make you feel good about yourself, and in times of trouble, be your support. Thank goodness I didn't marry a man like yours...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here thanks for your messages. Zumba mom the exercise class I started was Zumba...so far really fun! I did exactly what you recommended. Told him he quits things soon as they get hard (has had 8 jobs in 10 years). As good as that felt, it didn't solve the problem.

Looks like the problem is definitely HIS problem and started way before child - and marriage I presume. Good for OP for taking charge of what she can control. Take care of yourself and DC first. DH is an adult and will have to deal with it at some point. (By the way, is he still the same, svelte guy with all his hair and no wrinkles that he was 5 years ago?...Nuff said)

[Anonymous]

Most definitely yes.

[zumbamama]

Hey OP, How cool about the Zumba! : ) I was over 200lbs. at the height of my pregnancy. Afterwards, I was 170 (I'm only 5'2) until I found Zumba, Yoga, and regular body therapy (chiro/massage/acu). I've kept off 35lbs for 3 years, and could probably shave off 10 more if I didn't have a weakness for french fries! For you, I would also recommend kickboxing....it's a great stress reliever. You can punch all your frustrations out on the bag and just as sweat-drenching as Zumba.
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But anyway...putting your foot down about how you feel can escalate the tension, I know...but it does feel good to let it all out rather than holding it in. I'm usually quiet (except in Zumba) and non-confrontational. And I know how it is to be with someone who is insulting and degrading. Strangely, being with this insulting person has taught me to speak up for myself more. Sometimes you just have to put them in their place. Even if they get defensive...it will make them think about what you said whether they admit it or not. You can say it, shout it, write it, whatever is the best way to get it out of your system. Lucky for me, my insulting person found it in himself to change his ways to keep me from leaving and we are now happily married 6 years. His potty mouth was more a reflection of his upbringing and his own securities, and he finally realized that and really worked on controlling his temper and words. Some guys will change and some won't...all I can say is keep doing what you are doing... find the strength in yourself to stay positive for you and DC...with or without him. You go girl!

[Anonymous]

Zumba mom good for you! OP here, your message was so supportive. A big thanks for brightening my day.

[Anonymous]

Full disclosure: I am a guy. I post this question/point with upmost sincerity.

Was it the subject matter that made the husband abusive, was it his approach, or was it the combination of the two? I ask because as I read OPs post I thought her husband sounded a bit like a douche, but emotional abuse didn't come to mind. As 10:15 pointed out, she has negative feelings of attraction toward her husband now that he has gained weight and has even expressed it to him, although in a non douchey way.

I raise the question because if simply expressing dissatisfaction with a spouses weight gain questions emotional abuse then 10:15 is just as guilty.

Also, if acting cranky, making faces, and being unpleasant constitutes emotional abuse then I have been guilty as charged on many occasions. Perhaps not because my wife gained some weight nor even potentially her fault. There are times when all of us are capable of failing to act our age. We aren't proud of these moments, but are we emotional abusers? Gosh, I hope not.

If he does this often, has a pattern of attacking you purposefully to make you hurt or isn't the least bit remorseful.... then I'd agree with abuse. Lets just try to keep this in perspective and not automatically deem the guy abusive when he has similar concerns as 10:15 has for her husband. That said, is there a way a husband can ever raise this issue without getting crucified? Perhaps this is just one of the double standards you ladies have in your favor.

Finally, OP.. you do what makes you happy and feel healthy. Going from 10 to 14 isn't anywhere near bait and switch. I am sure you are hot either size and your DH needs to grow up.

[zumbamama]

That said, is there a way a husband can ever raise this issue without getting crucified?

Yes, he can...instead of insulting her he could ask her to go salsa dancing or running or something active together that would help the problem instead of making it worse.