Birds and bees talk from single mom to teenage son

[Anonymous]

See if there’s a UU or United Church of Christ ‘Our Whole Lives’ class for his age. It’s comprehensive sex ed and open to anyone regardless of religion. No religious beliefs are taught, unless you consider gender expression and sexual orientation to be religious.

I’m a single mom and have had many talks with DS at all ages, but he did the OWL class and it was great. Highly recommend it for any kid- no matter how many parents they have.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him to keep his snake in its cage unless he's ready to be a daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a DD and it’s not easy at any time whether it’s boy or girl.
I found a book helped though. I looked at it with her, we talked about it, and the book is in her room to pull out if she wants to.
I would look for an age appropriate book and start there.

What book?

[Anonymous]

Most schools have education programs. Mine were in 5th grade. Ask the school what they are teaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell him to keep his snake in its cage unless he's ready to be a daddy.

You know that isn't the only kind of sex, doesn't address consent, doesn't address STD//STIs, doesn't benefit a relationship or relationship growth, provides zero real benefit to him?

[Anonymous]

I am the mom of a teen boy and I’ve done all the sex talk in our house - my DH just won’t.

You need to have the conversations despite how uncomfortable they make you and your son. It’s totally fine to be uncomfortable, to stammer, to blush, to not know what to say. Just accept it is going to be that way and do it anyway. You wouldn’t decide not to just skip homework, or band performance, or whatever because it made your son uncomfortable, would you? You can do this.

I’d actually focus on something different. The main concern for boys should be consent, because they can be so boneheaded. But if you frame consent as “she has to say yes before you can touch her”, intimacy becomes about negotiating the yes, and pushing limits. Instead, talk about how intimacy is about mutual pleasure. Both parties should enjoy every touch. If someone isn’t enjoying it, don’t do it. It may seem like a weird distinction, but I think most boys don’t really think about the fact that girls should enjoy themselves. They may not even know what the anatomy of pleasure for women includes! The tougher thing to talk about is the fact that porn is fake, and shows women enjoying things that men wish they would enjoy, but they don’t. It’s acting, and you need to compare it to an action movie. It’s fiction. He can pay really close attention to a girls body language to tell if she likes something, but he can also ask himself if he’d like it if someone did that to him. Would be find pleasure in having his hair pulled or in anal sex? If not, maybe assume it isn’t something a girl would like (in a committed relationship he can explore boundaries more - right now he needs to learn girls pleasure matters every bit as much as his, and if something doesn’t bring her pleasure it is a no-go).

This all is hard to talk about, but it is essential.

[Anonymous]

get him "Its perfectly normal"

It's cheesy, but the subject matter will interest him. And he's reading!

[Anonymous]

There's also the body stuff! And the masturbation stuff. (There's a thread somewhere on here about how to deal with ejaculated semen. I think someone suggested socks? This is not my expertise.) And telling him that however he's feeling, there are probably more people like him than he thinks. So much on this thread covers alarm and the "don't do this." I think kids often know more of the "don't do this" than we think, but less of the "how to deal when your crush rejects you" and other social stuff. I think kids want assurance that they're not as much as a loser as they think they are.

I think you can be honest that it's hard for you to have this conversation, that it's embarrassing for you, but that it's important so you're going to push through, in part because you want him to feel comfortable coming to you with questions. And tell him that you will support him when things get difficult.



I recently had to talk to my daughter after she got her period for the first time, a conversation I had been DREADING (I had my spouse do most of the conversation up til that point.) But then it was just the two of us in the house and she wanted to try out using a tampon, and it turned out that it was kind of like any other conversation for us. I had thought I'd be so grossed out and unhappy, largely because of my own shame when I got mine for the first time, but talking with her didn't phase me. It might not be as bad as you think, OP, and good for you for reaching out!

Here's one guide: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents

[Anonymous]

My tween hasn’t even entered puberty but whenever I’ve broached reproduction and sex I have always hammered in “wear a condom every single time.” Like the contraception goes hand in hand with the sex talk.

[Anonymous]

Friendly reminder to include that consent can be removed at any time which means immediate full stop no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP back. Also very important to teach consent. I started with this, they thought it was amusing and got it--it's clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exobo1GmYjs

This is the OP. I like this video. What about if I send this and then follow up with a discussion? I appreciate all the other responses too although I have to admit the thought of the talk fills me with panic.

I am not a single mom, but I am from a similar culture and my DH does not want to have these conversations with the kids. I think you should think about why you’re so uncomfortable about the topic. I made so many mistakes when I was a teen and young adult. Maybe I would have made them even if my parents talked openly, but I really felt I had to “solve” things on my own. My solutions were not always the best and I had no adult I could talk to who wouldn’t be judgmental.

I’ve gotten over the discomfort and it’s really not that bad to talk about sex just like any other topic. Along with what others have said, I would emphasize that you’re always there for your son, always going to be there to support him. He should know that your love is not conditional and he doesn’t need to hide things from you. That means a lot. He still may not share everything with you, but that will go far when he’s in a jam - either sex related or alcohol/drugs etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP back. Also very important to teach consent. I started with this, they thought it was amusing and got it--it's clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exobo1GmYjs

This! They learn a lot in school and kids have access to all kinds of info. Having boys consent has been the big topic. I’m drilling into them to protect themselves from false accusations and greet areas such as sex while drunk. This to me is a critical conversation we need to have with our boys.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of singledom or gender:
Get books. Leave them out. No need directly assign them.

Any moden recs?

There are probably great YouTube videos, but they would necessarily trust that avenue, since their probably more bad YouTube videos than good ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most schools have education programs. Mine were in 5th grade. Ask the school what they are teaching.

Not nearly enough content. They teach biology, not human relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See if there’s a UU or United Church of Christ ‘Our Whole Lives’ class for his age. It’s comprehensive sex ed and open to anyone regardless of religion. No religious beliefs are taught, unless you consider gender expression and sexual orientation to be religious.

I’m a single mom and have had many talks with DS at all ages, but he did the OWL class and it was great. Highly recommend it for any kid- no matter how many parents they have.

Strongly second this recommendation. OWL is amazing.