Should 17dd help grandmother with shower?

[Anonymous]

You are the parent. You get to decide what your daughter does. This is an inappropriate ask. Gently tell your mom that you would feel more comfortable doing it yourself - your daughter would be devastated if she accidentally dropped her grandma.

[Anonymous]

What is Grandma's stated reason? Is it that she does not want your help? Does she want to toughen up or "parentify" "adultify" your daughter? Is she prone to making herself the center of the situation?

[Anonymous]

Are you male or female? I can understand if a grandmother is much more comfortable having her granddaughter shower her than her son.

[Anonymous]

+1 for a weird request unless there are details you're not sharing. The only way I see this being okay is if they already have a close bond, if your daughter is the caretaker type, if your daughter has helped out with similar tasks before.

As a 17 yo, I would have been mortified by such a request. I would have been scared she'd get hurt and it'd be my fault. I would have been uncomfortable with the nakedness. The awkwardness alone would have burnt me to cinders. But it also would have been totally out of left field for such a request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want me doing it bc she says I see it as a chore.
Well, yes, but when she fell and broke her shoulder, I helped her with her showers for over two months.

Yikes. Why on earth did you ever let your feelings about it be evident to her? How cruel.

[Anonymous]

There's no simple answer, depends on the people and the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Why does anyone have to help her? Is she in assisted living?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want me doing it bc she says I see it as a chore.
Well, yes, but when she fell and broke her shoulder, I helped her with her showers for over two months.

Well, it is a chore. Nobody actually enjoys helping adults bathe, but is of often a necessary part of elder care. Does she want you to show enjoyment?

Do not allow her to start dictating. Yes it sucks to need help, but it is a chore and she just has to accept it. you need to set your foot down. first it's going to be this, then it's going to be demanding all sorts of other things because you aren't fawning over her at all times. Then if you do try and put on a smile, you'll get blamed for being insincere. As long as you aren't rude, she either accepts the help she gets or she doesn't get it. This can also drive a wedge between you and your own daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have qualms about showering someone myself, especially if they were severely disabled.

Aides are trained in how to handle wet, slippery humans in the hard surface environments that usually make up our bathrooms. Knowing how to leverage the body weight to move them.

This is something I would have qualms about. Kids don't always understand how fragile the elderly are.

Mostly this. My 18 year old son knows about balance issues because my mother has MS and he’s helped her walk and supervised her in the pool… but the average teen with no background info? I’d be worried for Grandma, unless they’re both very good at communicating.

[Anonymous]

I think a 17 can and should help but your mom is the one who is being unreasonable since you are offering.

[Anonymous]

She's a child... let her be a child, not your mothers wet nurse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a child... let her be a child, not your mothers wet nurse.

LOL apparently i have no idea the actual meaning of "wet nurse". My bad.

Either way, dont make your kid do this very adult chore. If you can't, and she doesnt want your help, perhaps an in-home aide would be better. My FIL was very ill during covid and had a man come to help him shower a few times a week.

[Anonymous]

Demanding that anyone who’s not a paid geriatric nurse help a 85 yr old shower is totally unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demanding that anyone who’s not a paid geriatric nurse help a 85 yr old shower is totally unreasonable.

In our wealthy DCUM bubble, maybe, but 99% of the world can’t afford nurses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding that anyone who’s not a paid geriatric nurse help a 85 yr old shower is totally unreasonable.

In our wealthy DCUM bubble, maybe, but 99% of the world can’t afford nurses.

No, someone else offered. You don’t get to demand who showers you no matter how poor you are.