My mom is DISTRAUGHT over losing her parents soon. How can I be helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s not natural for humans to live so long that your kids are basically old people (who are by nature prone to anxiety) and have to deal with parental death. I think there is a difference dealing with major life events at 44 and 66 for example. It’s just all twisted.

So the now 89 year olds had their daughter when they were 19. By your thought, they should have died 22 years ago, when they were 67 to make this all easier for their daughter and OP’s mom. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s not natural for humans to live so long that your kids are basically old people (who are by nature prone to anxiety) and have to deal with parental death. I think there is a difference dealing with major life events at 44 and 66 for example. It’s just all twisted.

So the now 89 year olds had their daughter when they were 19. By your thought, they should have died 22 years ago, when they were 67 to make this all easier for their daughter and OP’s mom. Yikes.

When they were 23. Math wrong but yikes all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 66yo and her parents are both still alive and living alone in her childhood home at 89 years old. I'm 34 and feel so lucky to have had my grandparents for so long especially since my own children have gotten to know and love them. In recent months, they are both starting to decline- not eating as much, sleeping more, starting to struggle with tasks like laundry (which is in their basement) and taking their dog out, one was put on oxygen and the other has other declining health issues...

she is 66 years old and still gets to garden and bake with her mom, watch movies and play cards with her dad...

Any advice on supporting your parents through the decline and eventual loss of their parents?

OP GP are less able to function in the home but far removed from needing to be in an assisted living room or a skilled nirsing facility [next step in level of care intensisty after assisted living]. They are mentally acute but have physical issues with the layout of the house. Laundry in basement and maye full flight up to the bedroom and/or exterior stairs to enter house or up from garage level?

So it sounds like OP mom lives near them and at this point it is best for the GP to have 1 level living in a senior community connected to assisted living. They can garden at mom's or on a patio/deck. Othopedic injuries at this point can be what leads to rapid decline and death. Been there done that with a parent who decided to move back into a mutilevel house after a stint in hospital, skilled nursing, even great assisted living apartment. OP and her mom need them to move out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm it sounds like she definitely needs to see a professional. Has your mother not lost anyone close to her before? Maybe she could also reframe her perspective. That’s awesome that we parents have lived such long lives!

[Anonymous]

-She's really worried about her own death. When your parents die you're confronted with your own mortality.
-Her parents have lived so long that she's focused on them and hasn't made enough friends of her own. I'm guilty of this too since I love to spend time with my mom and go shopping with her rather than friends.

Sounds like she needs to get a clear head and start thinking of her parents' final years. One or both of them is likely to live another 5 years or so in not so good health. All 4 of my grandparents lived until mid 90s and it's wild and totally different than 80 year olds.

Your mom needs to have a plan of care for her parents. #1 should be getting a plumber and electrician and moving the washer/dryer upstairs into a closet or even the garage. Ramps for the house entrance stairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm it sounds like she definitely needs to see a professional. Has your mother not lost anyone close to her before? Maybe she could also reframe her perspective. That’s awesome that we parents have lived such long lives!

Right! Honestly we were all happy for my elderly relatives as they died >85 years old. Such nice long lives! We had really great stories of them to share at the funerals and wakes and there wasn't many tears. Just glad we got so long with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she has clinical anxiety and needs medication. This is NOT a healthy reaction, at all, imo.

+1 Especially at her age. Many of us lost our parents young, she is not young. This is natural circle of life.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but the OP’s mom’s reaction is extreme. She seriously needs some perspective! I would love to have her “problem.” I’m the same age as OP and have already lost a parent and all of my grandparents. My mother died at 60.

[Anonymous]

My FIL was like this. His dad was almost 90 and had cancer and refused chemo. FIL absolutely LOST IT that he wasn't going to "be a fighter". He kept thinking a miracle would happen and his dad would be "back on his feet".
I tried to be comforting about what a good life he had led but he didn't want to hear it. Indeed, the circle of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s not natural for humans to live so long that your kids are basically old people (who are by nature prone to anxiety) and have to deal with parental death. I think there is a difference dealing with major life events at 44 and 66 for example. It’s just all twisted.

So the now 89 year olds had their daughter when they were 19. By your thought, they should have died 22 years ago, when they were 67 to make this all easier for their daughter and OP’s mom. Yikes.

I guess you can’t really say it like that but it’s a new phenomenon that people live so long and it does present challenges to their caregivers who are most often their kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s not natural for humans to live so long that your kids are basically old people (who are by nature prone to anxiety) and have to deal with parental death. I think there is a difference dealing with major life events at 44 and 66 for example. It’s just all twisted.

So the now 89 year olds had their daughter when they were 19. By your thought, they should have died 22 years ago, when they were 67 to make this all easier for their daughter and OP’s mom. Yikes.

I guess you can’t really say it like that but it’s a new phenomenon that people live so long and it does present challenges to their caregivers who are most often their kids

To add, I say this as someone whose parent thinks they are so independent that they don’t burden anyone. Yet they do need help and oversight.
It’s delusional to think an average 80+ yo, let alone 90+ yo, is truly independent and doesn’t require any care or attention.