My mom is DISTRAUGHT over losing her parents soon. How can I be helpful?

[Anonymous]

My mom is 66yo and her parents are both still alive and living alone in her childhood home at 89 years old. I'm 34 and feel so lucky to have had my grandparents for so long especially since my own children have gotten to know and love them. In recent months, they are both starting to decline- not eating as much, sleeping more, starting to struggle with tasks like laundry (which is in their basement) and taking their dog out, one was put on oxygen and the other has other declining health issues.

My mom is absolutely distraught. She calls me sobbing almost daily and seems in total denial that the end is going to be inevitable in the semi near future to the point where I feel she's almost irrational/unhealthy about this. My mom is my absolute best friend and otherwise a totally levelheaded, normal, well adjusted person so this is throwing me for a loop a bit.

I've been nothing but supportive and loving towards her and she has started therapy a few months ago, but I'm starting to get frustrated with her that she seems to have zero appreciation for the fact that she is 66 years old and still gets to garden and bake with her mom, watch movies and play cards with her dad. I also feel like my mom's tizzies are starting to trickle down to my grandma who absolutely should not have to console her daughter about her own inevitable death.

Any advice on supporting your parents through the decline and eventual loss of their parents?

[Anonymous]

Part of this is coping with her own mortality. She needs to continue therapy and find a different therapist if it's not working, and she potentially needs some sort of rescue anxiety medicine when she starts to spiral.

[Anonymous]

If your mom is religious, then consider having a discussion with her priest, pastor, rabbi, or other member of the clergy.

If not, religious, then either visit with a psychologist experienced in grief counseling or look for books that address this topic.

[Anonymous]

This is her first time losing a parent. I was a me when my favorite cat died, so I can only imagine how much worse it is for her. Lovingly try to get her to see a therapist. She needs more assistance than a daughter can offer. Make the call with her or for her. There are a lot of waiting lists right now.

[Anonymous]

I think her reaction seems extreme. I am also 66 and lost my parents a decade ago. Does your mom live close to them? Maybe she is overwhelmed with their decline and how much she needs to help them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe an SSRI can help her?

[Anonymous]

What can you do? I would suggest looking around your mother's area and try to find a caregiver support group. These groups will help members with coping with the stresses of being a senior caregiver including what to do when the older relative is having major health issues and potentially nearing the end of life.

Many areas have caregiver support groups, so what you can do is find them, and maybe schedule visits to some group sessions to see which ones would be more appropriate for your mother. Then escort her to one of the meetings.

[Anonymous]

Hospice has many support groups, as well as grieving courses. I would start there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 66yo and her parents are both still alive and living alone in her childhood home at 89 years old. I'm 34 and feel so lucky to have had my grandparents for so long especially since my own children have gotten to know and love them. In recent months, they are both starting to decline- not eating as much, sleeping more, starting to struggle with tasks like laundry (which is in their basement) and taking their dog out, one was put on oxygen and the other has other declining health issues.

My mom is absolutely distraught. She calls me sobbing almost daily and seems in total denial that the end is going to be inevitable in the semi near future to the point where I feel she's almost irrational/unhealthy about this. My mom is my absolute best friend and otherwise a totally levelheaded, normal, well adjusted person so this is throwing me for a loop a bit.

I've been nothing but supportive and loving towards her and she has started therapy a few months ago, but I'm starting to get frustrated with her that she seems to have zero appreciation for the fact that she is 66 years old and still gets to garden and bake with her mom, watch movies and play cards with her dad. I also feel like my mom's tizzies are starting to trickle down to my grandma who absolutely should not have to console her daughter about her own inevitable death.

Any advice on supporting your parents through the decline and eventual loss of their parents?

It doesn’t sound like she’s in denial. It sounds as though she is panicked and mourning.
I’ve been through it. A professional can help. All family can do is be there, pitch in, listen, and be kind- that’s so helpful even if it doesn’t help with the pain of losing them.

[Anonymous]

PP beat me to it. She obviously is not in denial, she is experiencing anticipatory grief.

https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-anticipatory-grief/

[Anonymous]

I think she has clinical anxiety and needs medication. This is NOT a healthy reaction, at all, imo.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s not natural for humans to live so long that your kids are basically old people (who are by nature prone to anxiety) and have to deal with parental death. I think there is a difference dealing with major life events at 44 and 66 for example. It’s just all twisted.

[Anonymous]

Anticipatory grief — it’s hard. Hugs to you and your Mom.

[Anonymous]

Very good that she is in therapy. I would also gently suggest she make sure she has some bereavement groups lined up for when she loses the first parent. You have a right to very gently set boundaries.If you think it would upset her too much to be upfront, you can just be more busy with work and other things and answer the phone a little less and gradually decrease.

I would also gently make sure she shares this all with her therapist and even see if she might inquire about twice a week. I agree with others that is this reaction is not normal and she is clearly in need of more help to be developing more coping skills. Dumping on you like this is too much.

[Anonymous]

She needs medical treatment and therapy. I'm a little older than you and neither my parents nor anyone in that generation that I know reacted in this way. Everyone was sad, of course, when their parents died, but not before.