How would you handle this friend situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say don’t intervene but you run the risk of this becoming a sustained friendship and the friend WILL behave the same way as the siblings.

Ask me how I know.

That's not always true. Ask me how I know.

+1. I was about to write the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I don't allow sleepovers and never will.

I'm not sure what the issue is other than that.

Trust me, after all the girls were molested by the head of the DNC in Falls Church - hello Michael Gardner! Wealth /= safety. Sleepovers are inviting trouble.

[Anonymous]

It's fantastic that your daughter told you everything. Take note of that. Even if she got some of the facts a bit off (age of older brother, etc), she confided her perception of the situation to you. That's huge.

I would talk to your daughter about how she felt in that situation. Based on her telling you, I'm guessing she was a bit uncomfortable. Validate that, and let her know that you'll help her avoid those situations in the future. From now on, when she's invited over there, there's a conflict. You run interference - let her tell her friend "sorry my mom won't let me this weekend". But you'd be happy to have the friend over to your house the following weekend! I doubt the mom will ever notice the pattern.

[Anonymous]

I would:


-not say anything to DD about this girl or her family
- nix sleepovers (with anyone, your house or theirs…just none)
- allow her to have the girl to your house as normal
- only allow plans outside your home that you are comfortable with - for everyone, but especially with this friend

As for the last item, you might decide to allow DD to go there after school for a few hours but then pick her up at 5. Or whatever you are comfortable with. At this age, you don’t owe DD a reason.

My own DD went through a phase like this in 6th or 7th grade. I set boundaries pretty much as above, and DD tired of the girl within 6mos or so. Even if that doesn’t happen, most non-school interactions will be in your home where you can loosely supervise

[Anonymous]

Meet up at only neutral locations or where you will be present. Tell DD this is a requirement for this friendship to continue. We are a no sleepover household so you can just adopt that policy. I would not send my kid to a house where parents are drinking with under aged kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say don’t intervene but you run the risk of this becoming a sustained friendship and the friend WILL behave the same way as the siblings.

Ask me how I know.

That's not always true. Ask me how I know.

+1. I was about to write the same thing.

Another +1 who was going to write the same thing. I was that little girl. And I knew it wasn’t “normal” and was horribly embarrassed by my family. I tried to be out of the house whenever possible and definitely limited having friends there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say don’t intervene but you run the risk of this becoming a sustained friendship and the friend WILL behave the same way as the siblings.

Ask me how I know.

This is my main concern and exactly what I told my husband

Valid concern. Very valid.

Your post could have been about me and a good friend I made in 5th grade, OP. The situation at my friend's house only worsened over time. It is also where I had my first drink, had my first kiss (friend's OLDER cousin), and the parents had large parties while their kids had friends spending the night. Oh - and the dad had a weed farm in the basement. The dad went to jail, the mom got divorced, and they moved across the country. Friend was pregnant by 15, had 2 by 17, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, you are taking the word of a tween, who live to exaggerate, to ban a friendship based on hearsay seems crazy. Next time, show up late to “bring Larla her allergy meds or forgotten toothbrush” and see for yourself. Maybe the “high schooler” already graduated and is 18, in which case both of those things might not be that serious if true.

Secondly, if these parents ARE permissive like that, they aren’t going to give 2 rips if you always host. If it comes up, you can just say your dd struggles to sleep outside her bed so you prefer to have them at your house. No sense making drama telling the truth.

Thirdly, even if banning friendships worked, these girls are 11, you have a few years and friendship circles change. When and if kids start to seek out teen party experiences they usually ditch their old friends and find new friends with the same interests. Your daughter come 8th grade will either decide to do that herself and attract those friends, or they will reject her if she’s not interested. That you think you can control that by controlling her friendships is silly.

Your ending just sort of fizzled away.

Seriously. Yikes. Way to be a pushover, mom!

Naw - you have to strengthen your own kids resolves and values first, and then they will make friendship choices on their own. Banning friendships usually backfires and makes them more appealing. A kid who wants to party will find those friendships if that’s what they want. If that’s not what they want - which is something that is fostered at home - they will make those choices as they mature. That’s what you want - a child who recognizes toxic friendships on their own rather than parents constantly making choices for them so the problem just moves around to some new kid.

Peer influences do matter somewhat, but I prefer to just encourage other friendships and activities, and find that works better