How would you handle this friend situation?

[Anonymous]

Without inadvertently alienating your child from one of their best friends?

Long story short, the first time I met the mom my intuition spiked and I thought something might be off, but she seemed nice and involved at school so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But DD spent the night last night and said she thought the older siblings were drinking (so probably the parents were, too) and the brother’s (high school age, not sure how old) girlfriend spent the night. I also got the feeling the mom might have been hungover when she dropped her off even before DD told me the other things. I’m more than annoyed.

But this is DD’s best friend right now. She starts middle school next year and doesn’t have any other close friends, so it breaks my heart to think we have to limit the time she spends with this girl, who is a sweetheart. I don’t know what to do. It’ll only get harder to police her friendships as she ages, but I also feel like I shouldn’t encourage her to be friends with a girl whose parents allow drinking and teen couple sleepovers, either! DH thinks she will probably outgrow this friend before it’s really a “problem”, or find a new friend group next year, but what if not?

Help me navigate this one, DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Help her make new friends- encourage joining things, facilitate hanging out with other friends. Talk with her about why what happened at her sleepover is worrisome, ask if she can think of a way to maintain the friendship without sleeping there. She should be e able to come up with staying friends but only having the girl over to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help her make new friends- encourage joining things, facilitate hanging out with other friends. Talk with her about why what happened at her sleepover is worrisome, ask if she can think of a way to maintain the friendship without sleeping there. She should be e able to come up with staying friends but only having the girl over to your house.

This is what I considered, but I’m not sure how to facilitate that with the mom? How does one turn down every single invite? Doesn’t it get obvious to the parents after a while?

[Anonymous]

Normally I would say don’t intervene but you run the risk of this becoming a sustained friendship and the friend WILL behave the same way as the siblings.

Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

I would just have all playdates with this girl at your place vs. theirs. I don't think you need to take steps beyond that. Why do you think that you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say don’t intervene but you run the risk of this becoming a sustained friendship and the friend WILL behave the same way as the siblings.

Ask me how I know.

This is my main concern and exactly what I told my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her make new friends- encourage joining things, facilitate hanging out with other friends. Talk with her about why what happened at her sleepover is worrisome, ask if she can think of a way to maintain the friendship without sleeping there. She should be e able to come up with staying friends but only having the girl over to your house.

This is what I considered, but I’m not sure how to facilitate that with the mom? How does one turn down every single invite? Doesn’t it get obvious to the parents after a while?

Who gives a crap!? Your child’s safety is more important than what some woman thinks. She’ll probably be happy to have her kid out of her hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say don’t intervene but you run the risk of this becoming a sustained friendship and the friend WILL behave the same way as the siblings.

Ask me how I know.

That's not always true. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

First off, you are taking the word of a tween, who live to exaggerate, to ban a friendship based on hearsay seems crazy. Next time, show up late to “bring Larla her allergy meds or forgotten toothbrush” and see for yourself. Maybe the “high schooler” already graduated and is 18, in which case both of those things might not be that serious if true.

Secondly, if these parents ARE permissive like that, they aren’t going to give 2 rips if you always host. If it comes up, you can just say your dd struggles to sleep outside her bed so you prefer to have them at your house. No sense making drama telling the truth.

Thirdly, even if banning friendships worked, these girls are 11, you have a few years and friendship circles change. When and if kids start to seek out teen party experiences they usually ditch their old friends and find new friends with the same interests. Your daughter come 8th grade will either decide to do that herself and attract those friends, or they will reject her if she’s not interested. That you think you can control that by controlling her friendships is silly.

[Anonymous]

How long have the teen lovers been together. If it’s a week I would be concerned, if he’s 17/18 in HS and has been with his girlfriend for several months I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker. You don’t have to allow it in your home but I wouldn’t let DD lose a friend over it. It doesn’t directly affect her or your family.
I’m torn on the drinking too, no one was driving correct? You don’t think parents should drink if your kid spends the night there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, you are taking the word of a tween, who live to exaggerate, to ban a friendship based on hearsay seems crazy. Next time, show up late to “bring Larla her allergy meds or forgotten toothbrush” and see for yourself. Maybe the “high schooler” already graduated and is 18, in which case both of those things might not be that serious if true.

Secondly, if these parents ARE permissive like that, they aren’t going to give 2 rips if you always host. If it comes up, you can just say your dd struggles to sleep outside her bed so you prefer to have them at your house. No sense making drama telling the truth.

Thirdly, even if banning friendships worked, these girls are 11, you have a few years and friendship circles change. When and if kids start to seek out teen party experiences they usually ditch their old friends and find new friends with the same interests. Your daughter come 8th grade will either decide to do that herself and attract those friends, or they will reject her if she’s not interested. That you think you can control that by controlling her friendships is silly.

Your ending just sort of fizzled away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, you are taking the word of a tween, who live to exaggerate, to ban a friendship based on hearsay seems crazy. Next time, show up late to “bring Larla her allergy meds or forgotten toothbrush” and see for yourself. Maybe the “high schooler” already graduated and is 18, in which case both of those things might not be that serious if true.

Secondly, if these parents ARE permissive like that, they aren’t going to give 2 rips if you always host. If it comes up, you can just say your dd struggles to sleep outside her bed so you prefer to have them at your house. No sense making drama telling the truth.

Thirdly, even if banning friendships worked, these girls are 11, you have a few years and friendship circles change. When and if kids start to seek out teen party experiences they usually ditch their old friends and find new friends with the same interests. Your daughter come 8th grade will either decide to do that herself and attract those friends, or they will reject her if she’s not interested. That you think you can control that by controlling her friendships is silly.

Your ending just sort of fizzled away.

Seriously. Yikes. Way to be a pushover, mom!

[Anonymous]

Sleepovers are not necessary to maintain a friendship.

This scenario is why so many parents are a hard no on sleepovers at all. In fact, what you described is eerily similar to a weird and off putting sleepover experience I had in 4th grade involving a creepy older step sibling and a mom on (what I'm pretty sure were) benzos. It is the reason why I don't let my kids sleep at their friends' homes.

[Anonymous]

You can easily keep all sleepovers at your house. Just tell them your DC is going thru a phase where they are uncomfortable sleeping away from home.
You can say yes to any other outings - like if the parent is bringing them to an amusement park or whatever. Just no sleepovers.
And yes, without your input, friendships will
Inevitably change over the next few years.

[Anonymous]

Try to have her at your house for sure.

More importantly, your girl needs new friends! Find something she is interested in and sign her up:
Theatre
Dance
Fencing
Book Group
Girl Scouts
A sport (soccer, softball, volleyball, or so many others)

Trust me, the more friends your child has outside of school, the better off they'll be