Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend

[Anonymous]

This is why I do not believe in teenage romantic relationships. What I mean by that is, it's fine to go out on dates, have crushes, kiss, WHATEVER.

But I don't think it's healthy for teens to engage in long-term exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend relationships like this because they get SO wrapped up in them and they can't untangle themselves from each other emotionally. Which can then spiral out into academic life and in some cases, as in this one, your family life.

If I were you, I would sit my daughter down and have a very serious conversation with her about your concerns about the boyfriend's clinginess, his mood swings, his lack of boundaries, etc. Personally, I would insist on cutting the relationship romantically. If you're not comfortable with that, then the conversation at least puts your daughter on notice and I would establish some hard rules about when or if the boyfriend is allowed to come over the house. Personally, I'd say no for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Others have said a lot of good stuff here. The one thing I'd add is, if this is how he behaves in front of you (where he should be on his best behavior), how is he treating your daughter when you aren't watching? Major red flags in his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Others have said a lot of good stuff here. The one thing I'd add is, if this is how he behaves in front of you (where he should be on his best behavior), how is he treating your daughter when you aren't watching? Major red flags in his behavior.

+1 He would not be allowed back in our home and I would calmly discourage the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. He cannot raise his voice at you or your DD.
This is terrible.

Agree but what do you do about it? You can’t force a 16 yr old to break up

No, but you can put limits on how much time he spends with her. This is what my parents did. They just said it applied to any boyfriend. Not sure if they knew or not, but it saved me from getting totally sucked in from the guys control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around a year ago my (now) 16 year old DD started going out with this boy, who I will call 'John.' At first, me and my husband did not think about it a lot because it was just a high school boyfriend, but over the past 4 months they have been getting much closer and he has become a regular fixture in our house.

The problem is that me and DH dont like him. He can be very sweet, but he has moments where he will get unreasonably angry over the smallest things. For example, around a month ago my 98 year old great aunt visited for dinner one night and a couple of local relatives came over. We told DD and him that we were having a family get together a week in advance, and that we wanted it to just be a family affair. There were a couple of reasons for this (that we explained to them), most notably that she is elderly and not in the best health so we were trying to minimize the risk of illness transmission. Fast forward to the day in question, and he stops by after their school (totally fine - the event started at 6:30). At around 6, we (politely) asked if he would go home and he freaked out, screaming at us that he thought we had reconsidered. This, of course, got DD begging us to let him stay. Ultimately, he and DD left (presumably to go to his home). This isnt a one-time event, but this was the worst.

Now, I would understand if John came from a rough home, but he has loving parents and has a good homelife, I just think he is clingy and almost obsessive.

I know DD is old enough to make her own choices, and I don't want to butt in, but I am at the end of my rope, and I just have no interest in having to deal with him. I also am worried because I can see shades of my ex-husband, who I loved to bits, but was physically abusive when he got wound up. John has never gotten physical with DD (or us), but has gotten close especially with DH, getting all up in his face, which can be intimidating because he is a bigger kid and can be quite imposing.

How would you handle this?

Sorry but if someone screamed at me in my home, that would be the last time he would be allowed in my home.
This is your opportunity to show your daughter how we draw boundaries of how we will be treated by others and stick to it.

You will think "oh but I'll be driving her I to his arms" well, this is a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't. So at least know that you set an example -as a eoman- of not being treated abusively

This. You have to set boundaries on unacceptable behavior. Apologize to your daughter for not doing it sooner. You are doing her no favors by allowing him to treat you that way and be a guest in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He isn’t welcome in your home. I can’t believe this wasn’t decided when he “yelled” and “got in your husband’s face.” This is crazy to me. In what world is this acceptable behavior? Would you do this in a workplace? Never mind respect for elders and parents of someone you love. My husband would have throw this kid out of our house immediately.

This. After the first incident, he would not be allowed in my hone anymore. Period. Like you said, you can't really force her to break up with him, but you do need to discuss his anger issues with her. Is your abusive ex DD's dad? Your tolerance of this is shocking and you are not modeling the right things for DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a rule that my teen can see their terrible love interest once per week if it’s a one on one date.

How do you enforce this with 16 year old ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just here to point out that your husband is a wuss.
A 16 year old "getting in my husband's face" would have resulted in the 16 year old being physically removed from the house and, told point blank in the moment that he is never allowed near our daughter again.

Your husband should have capped that sewer pipe off at the first leak.
What a poor example. He should have showed her that she is worth more than that.

Agree 1000%. Your husband is a pu$$y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Others have said a lot of good stuff here. The one thing I'd add is, if this is how he behaves in front of you (where he should be on his best behavior), how is he treating your daughter when you aren't watching? Major red flags in his behavior.

+1 He would not be allowed back in our home and I would calmly discourage the relationship.

DP
I am in similar situation not happy with DD’s boyfriend, it is easy to say then done, she is more drawn to the BF and away from parents when parents discourage them
There will just be more lying, sneaking and rule breaking .. they just don’t listen to you

[Anonymous]

How was there even a situation where he was in your husband's face? What was the disagreement about?

[Anonymous]

It's "my husband and I," not "my husband and me." You wouldn't write "me don't like him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Others have said a lot of good stuff here. The one thing I'd add is, if this is how he behaves in front of you (where he should be on his best behavior), how is he treating your daughter when you aren't watching? Major red flags in his behavior.

+1 He would not be allowed back in our home and I would calmly discourage the relationship.

DP
I am in similar situation not happy with DD’s boyfriend, it is easy to say then done, she is more drawn to the BF and away from parents when parents discourage them
There will just be more lying, sneaking and rule breaking .. they just don’t listen to you

Bad guys are a cancer on families. No one ever said parenting was easy and even if your daughter hates you in the short run, it will be better for everyone in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's "my husband and I," not "my husband and me." You wouldn't write "me don't like him."

Yeah, you deserve a smack for this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a rule that my teen can see their terrible love interest once per week if it’s a one on one date.

My parents had a similar rule. If you don’t think your kids are outsmarting you, you’re an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a rule that my teen can see their terrible love interest once per week if it’s a one on one date.

My parents had a similar rule. If you don’t think your kids are outsmarting you, you’re an idiot.

They are very busy and we also have life 360 and the kid lives far away as well. I’m very confident they are generally only going out with the person once per week though it’s possible they have lied here and there. The kid is toxic and our teen knows we feel that way but don’t want to forbid the relationship and this is what we’ve come up with.