The Bickersons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. That is so uncomfortable for you and the other couple. My now ex husband and I were the Bickersons for a while and it was awful. My ex husband would also make remarks about how our sex life was terrible — he has absolutely no boundaries. I hated it and I know our friends hated it. I wish our friends would have said “knock it off.”

My best friend in the entire world has a dud of a husband. They make similar incomes both working full time, but she does 99% of the mental load, child care, logistics, errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. We were on a big friend trip with 5 families last summer. My best friend was super pregnant and their toddler wasn't going to sleep, she kept SCREAMING over the monitor. My friend was so stressed out on the verge of tears and the husband was sitting at the bar drinking and laughing. She thought the toddler was finally out and then another cry came and her DH nonchalantly said "Larla, Toddler is crying again". I have no idea what got into me because I'm extremely easy going and non confrontational, but I turned around in front of everyone and said HOLY SH*T THEN GO DEAL WITH IT! DO YOU NOT SEE LARLA PREGNANT, SWOLLEN, AND EXHAUSTED TO THE POINT OF TEARS?! He went in to deal with the kid and never came back out. My friend thanked me and said that was his first time helping with a wake up and the toddler was almost 2yo. They have't bickered and he's been a hands on dad in front of us since.

Thank you, PP, on behalf of all women with clueless husbands!

Clueless husbands and doormat wives.

I will slowly ease out of that friendship. I hate having to stand up for people who should stand up for themselves. Once in a while, yes. But the moment she told you this was the first time he helped, I'd be seeing less of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is DH and me. We have a great relationship, but it's the way his parents communicate and I find it exhausting. We're not actually fighting (no swear words and raised voices!), just constant little jabs and digs that as a one-off could be taken as cute (I guess), but cumulatively are uncomfortable. It's so engrained after 20 years that I don't know how to stop it. We get plenty of invites and vacation with other families regularly, so I guess it can't be THAT bad, but would love suggestions from others that have figured out how to break the habit.

This was my DH and me when we were first married. I felt like he was trying to put on a show for other people by bickering with me. I hated it and told him as much. He stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We stopped going to dinner with Kate and Dan because Kate would count Dan's drinks and openly tell him to stop ordering them after 2 beers. If he ordered a third she'd pout.

Dan obviously had a problem if it has come to this and Kate is not wrong. Imagine what he drinks after dinner at home and in private. He probably started before dinner too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. That is so uncomfortable for you and the other couple. My now ex husband and I were the Bickersons for a while and it was awful. My ex husband would also make remarks about how our sex life was terrible — he has absolutely no boundaries. I hated it and I know our friends hated it. I wish our friends would have said “knock it off.”

My best friend in the entire world has a dud of a husband. They make similar incomes both working full time, but she does 99% of the mental load, child care, logistics, errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. We were on a big friend trip with 5 families last summer. My best friend was super pregnant and their toddler wasn't going to sleep, she kept SCREAMING over the monitor. My friend was so stressed out on the verge of tears and the husband was sitting at the bar drinking and laughing. She thought the toddler was finally out and then another cry came and her DH nonchalantly said "Larla, Toddler is crying again". I have no idea what got into me because I'm extremely easy going and non confrontational, but I turned around in front of everyone and said HOLY SH*T THEN GO DEAL WITH IT! DO YOU NOT SEE LARLA PREGNANT, SWOLLEN, AND EXHAUSTED TO THE POINT OF TEARS?! He went in to deal with the kid and never came back out. My friend thanked me and said that was his first time helping with a wake up and the toddler was almost 2yo. They have't bickered and he's been a hands on dad in front of us since.

Thank you, PP, on behalf of all women with clueless husbands!

Clueless husbands and doormat wives.

I will slowly ease out of that friendship. I hate having to stand up for people who should stand up for themselves. Once in a while, yes. But the moment she told you this was the first time he helped, I'd be seeing less of them.

You sound like a great friend to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We stopped going to dinner with Kate and Dan because Kate would count Dan's drinks and openly tell him to stop ordering them after 2 beers. If he ordered a third she'd pout.

Dan obviously had a problem if it has come to this and Kate is not wrong. Imagine what he drinks after dinner at home and in private. He probably started before dinner too.

Yeah, no. Having 5 or 6 beers with friends at dinner isn't an issue no matter what Oprah wants you to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why i never go out socially with my husband. He can't table any issues we have for later. No filter.

Funny, this is why I don’t go out with my wife.

Want to grab dinner out this weekend?

Would love to!
Your wife ok with that?

No, but if you drop your husband off she can complain to him about it.

They would have a
great time grousing about us. Let's make it happen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We stopped going to dinner with Kate and Dan because Kate would count Dan's drinks and openly tell him to stop ordering them after 2 beers. If he ordered a third she'd pout.

Dan obviously had a problem if it has come to this and Kate is not wrong. Imagine what he drinks after dinner at home and in private. He probably started before dinner too.

Yeah, no. Having 5 or 6 beers with friends at dinner isn't an issue no matter what Oprah wants you to believe.

Eh, who knows. We don't actually know what Dan does when he gets home though (or doesn't the next day by being too tired).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. That is so uncomfortable for you and the other couple. My now ex husband and I were the Bickersons for a while and it was awful. My ex husband would also make remarks about how our sex life was terrible — he has absolutely no boundaries. I hated it and I know our friends hated it. I wish our friends would have said “knock it off.”

My best friend in the entire world has a dud of a husband. They make similar incomes both working full time, but she does 99% of the mental load, child care, logistics, errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. We were on a big friend trip with 5 families last summer. My best friend was super pregnant and their toddler wasn't going to sleep, she kept SCREAMING over the monitor. My friend was so stressed out on the verge of tears and the husband was sitting at the bar drinking and laughing. She thought the toddler was finally out and then another cry came and her DH nonchalantly said "Larla, Toddler is crying again". I have no idea what got into me because I'm extremely easy going and non confrontational, but I turned around in front of everyone and said HOLY SH*T THEN GO DEAL WITH IT! DO YOU NOT SEE LARLA PREGNANT, SWOLLEN, AND EXHAUSTED TO THE POINT OF TEARS?! He went in to deal with the kid and never came back out. My friend thanked me and said that was his first time helping with a wake up and the toddler was almost 2yo. They have't bickered and he's been a hands on dad in front of us since.

Thank you, PP, on behalf of all women with clueless husbands!

Clueless husbands and doormat wives.

I will slowly ease out of that friendship. I hate having to stand up for people who should stand up for themselves. Once in a while, yes. But the moment she told you this was the first time he helped, I'd be seeing less of them.

You sound like a great friend to lose.

Nah, NP here, and I agree with her. I might not drop her, but I'd lose whatever shred of respect I had for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. That is so uncomfortable for you and the other couple. My now ex husband and I were the Bickersons for a while and it was awful. My ex husband would also make remarks about how our sex life was terrible — he has absolutely no boundaries. I hated it and I know our friends hated it. I wish our friends would have said “knock it off.”

My best friend in the entire world has a dud of a husband. They make similar incomes both working full time, but she does 99% of the mental load, child care, logistics, errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. We were on a big friend trip with 5 families last summer. My best friend was super pregnant and their toddler wasn't going to sleep, she kept SCREAMING over the monitor. My friend was so stressed out on the verge of tears and the husband was sitting at the bar drinking and laughing. She thought the toddler was finally out and then another cry came and her DH nonchalantly said "Larla, Toddler is crying again". I have no idea what got into me because I'm extremely easy going and non confrontational, but I turned around in front of everyone and said HOLY SH*T THEN GO DEAL WITH IT! DO YOU NOT SEE LARLA PREGNANT, SWOLLEN, AND EXHAUSTED TO THE POINT OF TEARS?! He went in to deal with the kid and never came back out. My friend thanked me and said that was his first time helping with a wake up and the toddler was almost 2yo. They have't bickered and he's been a hands on dad in front of us since.

Thank you, PP, on behalf of all women with clueless husbands!

Clueless husbands and doormat wives.

I will slowly ease out of that friendship. I hate having to stand up for people who should stand up for themselves. Once in a while, yes. But the moment she told you this was the first time he helped, I'd be seeing less of them.

You sound like a great friend to lose.

Nah, NP here, and I agree with her. I might not drop her, but I'd lose whatever shred of respect I had for her.

I can't hang out often with people I don't respect. So the friendship would be gone or greatly limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is DH and me. We have a great relationship, but it's the way his parents communicate and I find it exhausting. We're not actually fighting (no swear words and raised voices!), just constant little jabs and digs that as a one-off could be taken as cute (I guess), but cumulatively are uncomfortable. It's so engrained after 20 years that I don't know how to stop it. We get plenty of invites and vacation with other families regularly, so I guess it can't be THAT bad, but would love suggestions from others that have figured out how to break the habit.

This was my DH and me when we were first married. I felt like he was trying to put on a show for other people by bickering with me. I hated it and told him as much. He stopped.

Exactly! It feels like DH thinks it's cute and endearing, but unfortunately I've developed the bad habit of just responding in kind because it annoys me. Close friends say "you bicker, I ignore it because it's just what you guys do." But now it's both of us and I'm the only one with self-awareness, though not impulse control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We stopped going to dinner with Kate and Dan because Kate would count Dan's drinks and openly tell him to stop ordering them after 2 beers. If he ordered a third she'd pout.

Dan obviously had a problem if it has come to this and Kate is not wrong. Imagine what he drinks after dinner at home and in private. He probably started before dinner too.

Yeah, no. Having 5 or 6 beers with friends at dinner isn't an issue no matter what Oprah wants you to believe.

How much do you weigh? How long are your dinners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is DH and me. We have a great relationship, but it's the way his parents communicate and I find it exhausting. We're not actually fighting (no swear words and raised voices!), just constant little jabs and digs that as a one-off could be taken as cute (I guess), but cumulatively are uncomfortable. It's so engrained after 20 years that I don't know how to stop it. We get plenty of invites and vacation with other families regularly, so I guess it can't be THAT bad, but would love suggestions from others that have figured out how to break the habit.

This was my DH and me when we were first married. I felt like he was trying to put on a show for other people by bickering with me. I hated it and told him as much. He stopped.

Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf is an excellent Bickersons film

[Anonymous]

It takes two to bicker. To start, one of you can decide not to respond to negative remarks. We won't go out with couples like this a second time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is DH and me. We have a great relationship, but it's the way his parents communicate and I find it exhausting. We're not actually fighting (no swear words and raised voices!), just constant little jabs and digs that as a one-off could be taken as cute (I guess), but cumulatively are uncomfortable. It's so engrained after 20 years that I don't know how to stop it. We get plenty of invites and vacation with other families regularly, so I guess it can't be THAT bad, but would love suggestions from others that have figured out how to break the habit.

This was my DH and me when we were first married. I felt like he was trying to put on a show for other people by bickering with me. I hated it and told him as much. He stopped.

Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf is an excellent Bickersons film

It would be thrilling if my friend glared at her husband like Liz Taylor


Instead she just orders glass after glass of white wine and rolls her eyes at her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. That is so uncomfortable for you and the other couple. My now ex husband and I were the Bickersons for a while and it was awful. My ex husband would also make remarks about how our sex life was terrible — he has absolutely no boundaries. I hated it and I know our friends hated it. I wish our friends would have said “knock it off.”

My best friend in the entire world has a dud of a husband. They make similar incomes both working full time, but she does 99% of the mental load, child care, logistics, errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. We were on a big friend trip with 5 families last summer. My best friend was super pregnant and their toddler wasn't going to sleep, she kept SCREAMING over the monitor. My friend was so stressed out on the verge of tears and the husband was sitting at the bar drinking and laughing. She thought the toddler was finally out and then another cry came and her DH nonchalantly said "Larla, Toddler is crying again". I have no idea what got into me because I'm extremely easy going and non confrontational, but I turned around in front of everyone and said HOLY SH*T THEN GO DEAL WITH IT! DO YOU NOT SEE LARLA PREGNANT, SWOLLEN, AND EXHAUSTED TO THE POINT OF TEARS?! He went in to deal with the kid and never came back out. My friend thanked me and said that was his first time helping with a wake up and the toddler was almost 2yo. They have't bickered and he's been a hands on dad in front of us since.

PP, you said your best friend’s husband is now a hands-on Dad in front of you, and that they haven’t bickered either. But you still characterize him as a “dud”. He was then. Are there other reasons why you would still consider him a dud. Maybe you think the “hands-on parenting” is performative the way we sometimes see in church, at kids’ events and in other public settings?