Once your kid turns 18, they can make all of their own decisions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

I 100% disagree.

I paid for my children's colleges, and for their expenses, but I never expected a say in anything. They are free to live their lives as they wish.

My only ask of them is that they communicate with me every week. Even that was hard for them while in college, but we've kept it up after they graduated from college.

I don't want to lose touch with my children, but I will never be one of those parents who uses money as a means of control. Never. Any money I give them is a gift, and I expect them to use it properly and responsibly.

You are exerting a lot of control for someone who says they never expects a say in anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial power is a huge control.

It's sickening that parents want to control their children with money. Those children will never mature unless they break away from their parents entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

I 100% disagree.

I paid for my children's colleges, and for their expenses, but I never expected a say in anything. They are free to live their lives as they wish.

My only ask of them is that they communicate with me every week. Even that was hard for them while in college, but we've kept it up after they graduated from college.

I don't want to lose touch with my children, but I will never be one of those parents who uses money as a means of control. Never. Any money I give them is a gift, and I expect them to use it properly and responsibly.

You are exerting a lot of control for someone who says they never expects a say in anything

How does an expectation equate to "control"?

There's no quid pro quo. I expect them to behave responsibly because that's how I've raised them. If they don't, they don't. I can't control that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not if they aren’t financially independent. My kid always wants money for something and won’t bother to get a job. If you are going to live under someone else’s roof and expect them to fund all your needs and desires then you have to follow their rules.

Why do you keep giving your child money?
Tell your child to get a job.
Mine have had jobs since they turned 16. They have their own money they can spend as they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And that can be difficult to hear. You have absolutely zero control over them from that point onwards.

You had 18 years to teach them what you wanted to teach, let go now. They'll make their own mistakes not once you dictate. Its not like you are an absolute wisdom. You can't impose your wants on adults, even if you raised them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

Controlling people with purse strings is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But what if I don’t want them to spend the night at their girlfriend’s house? Or ride Uber alone? Or be nice to their siblings? Then what?

I hear you but you had 18 years to teach what's right and what's wrong, how many more do you need?

[Anonymous]

+1000

We are not controlling and thankfully our kids have been largely responsible. But fact is until they finish college we are basically funding them almost 100%. So there are certain house rules they need to live by. And those are basic: when home, you need to let us know if you will be home for dinner or for the night. And if not, just let us know where you are staying so we don't worry. Not controlling, just general common courtesy. If my spouse is not going to be home for dinner and instead going out with friends from work, he lets me know. I expect the same from my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And that can be difficult to hear. You have absolutely zero control over them from that point onwards.

You are totally wrong, OP.

I don't have "control" over my adult children, legally, but I have a good relationship with them, and they do turn to me for advice. They count on me, and I am glad that we have that relationship where they come to me if they need help with something (not money!).

Why would you want to "control" your adult children anyway? If you've raised them right, your goal is to raise independent, thoughtful adults who can manage their own lives responsibly.

But kids don't suddenly become adults the moment they turn 18. It's a process of gradually gaining control over their lives and making decisions they are comfortable with. It's painful on both sides as that separation proceeds, but it's healthy and the right thing to do. We don't want our children to be dependent on us forever, but we do want them to see us as a resource they can tap when needed (again, not financially).

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

+! YOU are the type of parent kids need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends, they are adults but as long as I pay for things, I get a say. If they want to be grown, they can support themselves.

Controlling people with purse strings is wrong.

Then fine -- be independent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And that can be difficult to hear. You have absolutely zero control over them from that point onwards.

If you were successful in raising your kid, at age 18 they will know that CAN does not always mean SHOUlD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial power is a huge control.

So get a job. Don’t persist in this weird combination of feeling entitled to your parents’ money while hating them because you don’t work so you don’t have your own money.

[Anonymous]

I'm very persuasive with my kids, and having built a relationship of trust early on, they don't tend to knee-jerk away from my suggestions. My husband, on the other hand, tends to be stupidly authoritarian, which riles them up and makes them want to do the exact opposite of what he tells them to do! It's so frustrating when he just barges in with his hectoring, and they start to bristle, when I've spent multiple hours getting them to "yes"... exactly on the same topic! Essentially my husband sabotages my efforts. I always get there in the end, but if he contributes I have to do damage control after him and it's extra work. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are invincible, its better to make them independent as soon as you can so they can navigate the world without you.

You can still be there as a wise advisor or a soundboard, not necessarily as the boss or decision maker.