How to encourage a happy independent baby

My kids are/were like this - never any issues with daycare or preschool drop off, happy to spend the night at grandparents, both could play independently for a long time from a young age or with each other. One is an introvert and the other is super social - but both are easygoing in general.

We loosely practice Peaceful Parenting, didn’t sleep train, did lots of baby wearing, extended breastfeeding, and all that stuff that is supposed to lead to a secure bond. I say “supposed to” because it seemed SOOO important when I was a new mom, but now that we’re past the preschool years and I know a lot more kids the same age as mine, I think a child’s individual disposition is like 70-80% of the equation. I know just as many people who sleep trained, used formula, and have a different parenting style whose kids are just as independent and happy as mine.

Here’s the one thing I think does matter. My husband and I are both pretty chill people. We’re both pretty patient, easy going people. I had a coworker who is a super high-achieving, high strung, anxious guy ask me how he could get his soon to be born baby to be like my kids and I laughed. He’s married to a super high-achieving, always busy, ambitious woman. I asked him why he thought his future kids could be opposite of their parents’ personalities. It can happen, but it’s not that likely. If you are a needy anxious parent, your kid gets both the nature / genetic predisposition AND the nurture element because they see you constantly being anxious and needy - whether you think you are hiding it or not.

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04/27/2023 10:01

Subject: Re:How to encourage a happy independent baby

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Anonymous

Agree with others that you can’t control your baby’s temperament.

But, you can teach a baby to play independently. We started a structured independent playtime when our babies were about 6 months old, 10 minutes a day in their crib with a few toys. Use a timer. Worked up to 30 mins. Both my kids, now 3 and 1.5, still do independent playtime for 30 mins a day. We move them from the crib to playing in their (childproofed) room by themselves right around age 2. Plus, those skills translate, so even when it’s not official IP time, they’re pretty good at entertaining themselves.

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04/27/2023 10:05

Subject: How to encourage a happy independent baby

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:My kids are/were like this - never any issues with daycare or preschool drop off, happy to spend the night at grandparents, both could play independently for a long time from a young age or with each other. One is an introvert and the other is super social - but both are easygoing in general.

We loosely practice Peaceful Parenting, didn’t sleep train, did lots of baby wearing, extended breastfeeding, and all that stuff that is supposed to lead to a secure bond. I say “supposed to” because it seemed SOOO important when I was a new mom, but now that we’re past the preschool years and I know a lot more kids the same age as mine, I think a child’s individual disposition is like 70-80% of the equation. I know just as many people who sleep trained, used formula, and have a different parenting style whose kids are just as independent and happy as mine.

Here’s the one thing I think does matter. My husband and I are both pretty chill people. We’re both pretty patient, easy going people. I had a coworker who is a super high-achieving, high strung, anxious guy ask me how he could get his soon to be born baby to be like my kids and I laughed. He’s married to a super high-achieving, always busy, ambitious woman. I asked him why he thought his future kids could be opposite of their parents’ personalities. It can happen, but it’s not that likely. If you are a needy anxious parent, your kid gets both the nature / genetic predisposition AND the nurture element because they see you constantly being anxious and needy - whether you think you are hiding it or not.

I agree with this, mostly. My only addition is how you raise your kids and what type of attachment your kids grow up with can temper some tendencies or exacerbate others. Meaning that your kid maybe 70% anxious temperament and parenting style can either make it go 50-60 or 90-100. Same with happy go-lucky kids.
No one who didn't know my son as a baby would believe that the kid he is now (at 5) was a struggle bus as a baby. He had so many issues. Colic, reflux, food issues. I just held the line. We didn't sleep train, extended breastfeeding, babywearing, coslept, etc. Our first daycare said they couldn't handle him and gave us 2 weeks. We ended up having to go with a solo provider until he was almost a year old. He was already being checked by the doctors and then I had to escalate to specialists. We did PT for a year, he was on reflux meds, etc. It did not get better until 18 months or so. He is the happiest kid I know now. He knows all the teachers and kids in his preschool, even in other classes. He is an extrovert and a social butterfly. He doesnt get sick. He plays with all kids. 95% of the time he is joy personified. 6 months in I was pretty sure he was going to be the complete opposite.