Dealing with stubborn AHDH student

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've written about my oldest DS with ADHD/LD/Anxiety (now 20) before. He sounds a lot like your DS. It was tough because there is/was a behavioral element to his poor academic performance. I still don't know how much of it was behavioral and how much was because of his ADHD. I couldn't even get DS to use a calendar to track when something was due or needed to be done. He also refused to check the apps/sites the school and teachers maintained for their classes. It's not that he couldn't - he did really well in the classes that he liked and was on top of things. He also had a part time job that he did really well at. The bottom line was I had to recognize that you just can't make someone 'care' so, I focused on the advice his psychiatrist gave me: Get him through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed later.

That was really freeing for me.

This problem started to arise in MS. It was at that time I started having my first conversations with DS about this being practice for college and life. I understood he didn't care about the grade in the particular class, that he'd never use what was being taught and that it was boring. I actually didn't disagree with what he was saying but brought up examples in my professional life of having to do work I didn't want to do, didn't think was interesting, didn't think there was value doing and that challenged my ability to attend to it - everyone has experienced this and practicing in school would better ensure you were prepared in college and in the work place. I talked about this until a few months before he graduated from high school.

It was also in MS that I started talking to DS about behaviors I needed to see in order to pay for him to go away to college - behaviors that would indicate he could/would be successful in college. I wasn't pushing college, there are many ways to be successful, but DS always insisted he wanted to go. It wasn't until February his senior year that he realized the consequences of his actions. Even if I'd been willing to pay for him to go away for college, his GPA was low, he'd not taken the SATs and he hadn't applied anywhere.

DS still wanted to go to college so I guided him to community college. He started out taking the 'jump start' classes for free that were offered to FCPS students through NOVA. It was then that he started learning the lessons he should have been learning in high school. He's now finishing his 2nd year at NOVA and I can't say enough good things about community college. He's getting where he needs to be. He'll be going to George Mason in the fall. I have no doubt that if he'd gone away for college that he would not have had the same success. He still needs more support than his younger sister but he's really maturing and I'm amazed at the growth I've seen in him. He's now the reliable one, a leader, in group projects!

TLDR: Focus on getting your DS through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue, everything else can be 'fixed' later. Focus on those classes required to graduate with a regular diploma. Have conversations with your DS regarding plans after HS and be clear on what you need to see in order to accommodate those plans. Be prepared to provide support longer than what 'typical' kids may have.

NP and I’ve read your posts before. Just saying thank you again. I kept this in mind at my son’s IEP meeting recently when we discussed classes for next year. He’s taking the minimum needed to try and get that diploma. I would be thrilled if he ended up with Cs in classes this year. It’s a tough road for some of them.

[weekendready]

Anonymous wrote:I've written about my oldest DS with ADHD/LD/Anxiety (now 20) before. He sounds a lot like your DS. It was tough because there is/was a behavioral element to his poor academic performance. I still don't know how much of it was behavioral and how much was because of his ADHD. I couldn't even get DS to use a calendar to track when something was due or needed to be done. He also refused to check the apps/sites the school and teachers maintained for their classes. It's not that he couldn't - he did really well in the classes that he liked and was on top of things. He also had a part time job that he did really well at. The bottom line was I had to recognize that you just can't make someone 'care' so, I focused on the advice his psychiatrist gave me: Get him through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed later.

That was really freeing for me.

This problem started to arise in MS. It was at that time I started having my first conversations with DS about this being practice for college and life. I understood he didn't care about the grade in the particular class, that he'd never use what was being taught and that it was boring. I actually didn't disagree with what he was saying but brought up examples in my professional life of having to do work I didn't want to do, didn't think was interesting, didn't think there was value doing and that challenged my ability to attend to it - everyone has experienced this and practicing in school would better ensure you were prepared in college and in the work place. I talked about this until a few months before he graduated from high school.

It was also in MS that I started talking to DS about behaviors I needed to see in order to pay for him to go away to college - behaviors that would indicate he could/would be successful in college. I wasn't pushing college, there are many ways to be successful, but DS always insisted he wanted to go. It wasn't until February his senior year that he realized the consequences of his actions. Even if I'd been willing to pay for him to go away for college, his GPA was low, he'd not taken the SATs and he hadn't applied anywhere.

DS still wanted to go to college so I guided him to community college. He started out taking the 'jump start' classes for free that were offered to FCPS students through NOVA. It was then that he started learning the lessons he should have been learning in high school. He's now finishing his 2nd year at NOVA and I can't say enough good things about community college. He's getting where he needs to be. He'll be going to George Mason in the fall. I have no doubt that if he'd gone away for college that he would not have had the same success. He still needs more support than his younger sister but he's really maturing and I'm amazed at the growth I've seen in him. He's now the reliable one, a leader, in group projects!

TLDR: Focus on getting your DS through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue, everything else can be 'fixed' later. Focus on those classes required to graduate with a regular diploma. Have conversations with your DS regarding plans after HS and be clear on what you need to see in order to accommodate those plans. Be prepared to provide support longer than what 'typical' kids may have.

Thank you for sharing this - so helpful. I needed to see this today. All the best to you and your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've written about my oldest DS with ADHD/LD/Anxiety (now 20) before. He sounds a lot like your DS. It was tough because there is/was a behavioral element to his poor academic performance. I still don't know how much of it was behavioral and how much was because of his ADHD. I couldn't even get DS to use a calendar to track when something was due or needed to be done. He also refused to check the apps/sites the school and teachers maintained for their classes. It's not that he couldn't - he did really well in the classes that he liked and was on top of things. He also had a part time job that he did really well at. The bottom line was I had to recognize that you just can't make someone 'care' so, I focused on the advice his psychiatrist gave me: Get him through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed later.

That was really freeing for me.

This problem started to arise in MS. It was at that time I started having my first conversations with DS about this being practice for college and life. I understood he didn't care about the grade in the particular class, that he'd never use what was being taught and that it was boring. I actually didn't disagree with what he was saying but brought up examples in my professional life of having to do work I didn't want to do, didn't think was interesting, didn't think there was value doing and that challenged my ability to attend to it - everyone has experienced this and practicing in school would better ensure you were prepared in college and in the work place. I talked about this until a few months before he graduated from high school.

It was also in MS that I started talking to DS about behaviors I needed to see in order to pay for him to go away to college - behaviors that would indicate he could/would be successful in college. I wasn't pushing college, there are many ways to be successful, but DS always insisted he wanted to go. It wasn't until February his senior year that he realized the consequences of his actions. Even if I'd been willing to pay for him to go away for college, his GPA was low, he'd not taken the SATs and he hadn't applied anywhere.

DS still wanted to go to college so I guided him to community college. He started out taking the 'jump start' classes for free that were offered to FCPS students through NOVA. It was then that he started learning the lessons he should have been learning in high school. He's now finishing his 2nd year at NOVA and I can't say enough good things about community college. He's getting where he needs to be. He'll be going to George Mason in the fall. I have no doubt that if he'd gone away for college that he would not have had the same success. He still needs more support than his younger sister but he's really maturing and I'm amazed at the growth I've seen in him. He's now the reliable one, a leader, in group projects!

TLDR: Focus on getting your DS through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue, everything else can be 'fixed' later. Focus on those classes required to graduate with a regular diploma. Have conversations with your DS regarding plans after HS and be clear on what you need to see in order to accommodate those plans. Be prepared to provide support longer than what 'typical' kids may have.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I have a DC who doesn't care about grades. I've been focusing on their mental health issues, and letting the grades fall where they may (C's and D's). Appreciate the idea that things can be "fixed" later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've written about my oldest DS with ADHD/LD/Anxiety (now 20) before. He sounds a lot like your DS. It was tough because there is/was a behavioral element to his poor academic performance. I still don't know how much of it was behavioral and how much was because of his ADHD. I couldn't even get DS to use a calendar to track when something was due or needed to be done. He also refused to check the apps/sites the school and teachers maintained for their classes. It's not that he couldn't - he did really well in the classes that he liked and was on top of things. He also had a part time job that he did really well at. The bottom line was I had to recognize that you just can't make someone 'care' so, I focused on the advice his psychiatrist gave me: Get him through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed later.

That was really freeing for me.

This problem started to arise in MS. It was at that time I started having my first conversations with DS about this being practice for college and life. I understood he didn't care about the grade in the particular class, that he'd never use what was being taught and that it was boring. I actually didn't disagree with what he was saying but brought up examples in my professional life of having to do work I didn't want to do, didn't think was interesting, didn't think there was value doing and that challenged my ability to attend to it - everyone has experienced this and practicing in school would better ensure you were prepared in college and in the work place. I talked about this until a few months before he graduated from high school.

It was also in MS that I started talking to DS about behaviors I needed to see in order to pay for him to go away to college - behaviors that would indicate he could/would be successful in college. I wasn't pushing college, there are many ways to be successful, but DS always insisted he wanted to go. It wasn't until February his senior year that he realized the consequences of his actions. Even if I'd been willing to pay for him to go away for college, his GPA was low, he'd not taken the SATs and he hadn't applied anywhere.

DS still wanted to go to college so I guided him to community college. He started out taking the 'jump start' classes for free that were offered to FCPS students through NOVA. It was then that he started learning the lessons he should have been learning in high school. He's now finishing his 2nd year at NOVA and I can't say enough good things about community college. He's getting where he needs to be. He'll be going to George Mason in the fall. I have no doubt that if he'd gone away for college that he would not have had the same success. He still needs more support than his younger sister but he's really maturing and I'm amazed at the growth I've seen in him. He's now the reliable one, a leader, in group projects!

TLDR: Focus on getting your DS through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue, everything else can be 'fixed' later. Focus on those classes required to graduate with a regular diploma. Have conversations with your DS regarding plans after HS and be clear on what you need to see in order to accommodate those plans. Be prepared to provide support longer than what 'typical' kids may have.

This is so inspiring, PP--we've had CC on our radar for years bc I just don't see our similar DS being ready for all the challenges of college without extra support. Glad to see it's working out!

[Anonymous]

16:59 here - the one who followed the psychiatrist's advice to focus on getting DS through HS without depression or substance abuse. I'm glad my post was helpful! I will say that it's still not been easy. When I say that he started to learn in CC what he should have learned in HS, I mean it. I can't tell you how many times I've reviewed his written work (not doing it for him but marking it up just like my professors used to do). I can't tell you the number of times I've had to explain to him, step by step, what to do when he's encountered a challenge. I can't tell you the number of times, I've reviewed his emails before he sent them to a professor/admin/counselor. He's come SO very far and I've seen him improve SO much - but it's still been a lot of work. I've got a NT DC that's a senior in HS and the experience is radically different.

I'm still unable to determine how much of his behavior is a result of ADHD/anxiety and how much is behavioral. I'm committed to him knowing how to do stuff himself and taking responsibility because even though it would take far less energy/time for me to do something, I can't help but think I'll either be doing for him all his life or his life partner will - and I don't want either to happen! Don't get me wrong - he's a really nice kid. I get stuff is hard and it's nice to have someone do stuff for you. But, you gotta be able to do it yourself. His younger brother also has ADHD and some other challenges but is far more reliable after you teach him to do something. Yeah, I know, different kid. Still, it's hard not to compare. Good luck, everyone!

[Anonymous]

I was this way- sped through studying, papers, exams. I have adhd, undiagnosed when I was younger. The best paper I ever wrote in high school came when I was grounded and literally couldn't do anything else- no going out, no phone, no TV. Making studying an amount of time vs an accomplishment might work.
There was a painful boredom in doing school work because I cared about none of the topics.it wasn't anxiety. It was complete lack of interest.

[Anonymous]

He’s not doing this on purpose, OP. He’s not lazy or stubborn or unmotivated. His brain literally isn’t letting him do the things you’re asking him to do! How frustrating that must be for him! The advantage of a neuropsych may be that it helps you see him through a different lens. Please also read The Explosive Child. Even if he’s not explosive, the thesis of the book is that kids do well when they can. It will change your parenting life. And change his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was this way- sped through studying, papers, exams. I have adhd, undiagnosed when I was younger. The best paper I ever wrote in high school came when I was grounded and literally couldn't do anything else- no going out, no phone, no TV. Making studying an amount of time vs an accomplishment might work.
There was a painful boredom in doing school work because I cared about none of the topics.it wasn't anxiety. It was complete lack of interest.

No, it was ADHD!