I have nothing in common with my DD, 17

[Anonymous]

Shopping, out to eat. My mom had little interest in me at that age so the few attempts she made a few time a year I knew she really did not want it and would decline. Still do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

This is a recipe for disaster. Talk about creating resentment and anger

About eating a meal together? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

+1000 sounds frickin miserable and I’m a 48 year old woman! Can’t imagine how bad it must be for a teen to be forced to sit at family meals just for the sake of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that this is a normal phase. I used to know everything about my 17-year-old son's life and now he shares virtually nothing. He seems indifferent toward the family--unless there is something we can do for him! It is annoying but it seems so textbook. I don't take it personally and just try to be warm and inviting, and make "participation" expectations clear. And I do put my foot down at rudeness. Normal phase or not, you don't get to be rude.

+1. It's a phase. I barely had any relationship with my daughter between ages 15-18. She wasn't even defiant or rude, she just had no interest in our family or sharing anything about her life, she sort of existed in parallel, emerging only when some paperwork needed to be signed. She is 21 now and she's been awesome since her senior year of high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

+1000 sounds frickin miserable and I’m a 48 year old woman! Can’t imagine how bad it must be for a teen to be forced to sit at family meals just for the sake of it.

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Get in the car with all devices in the trunk. Drive this way a few hours a week.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the PPs who said to make expectations clear. We no longer have family dinner every night because multiple kids participate in multiple sports/activities. However, once per weekend (usually Sunday) we do have a family dinner. Kids are expected to turn down invitations/other social activities to attend. OF COURSE, we make exceptions and are flexible for something major. I even work the time around NFL games as requested. Kids grumbled the first time and now it's just routine and has been great. It is the only time every week when we are all together and my 17-year-old actually seems to enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

+1000 sounds frickin miserable and I’m a 48 year old woman! Can’t imagine how bad it must be for a teen to be forced to sit at family meals just for the sake of it.

I’m amazed at how far we have come as a society that the expectation that a family dinner is unreasonable. I’m judging all these people that are too lazy and ill mannered to have family dinners. It’s so trashy to eat in front of the tv, while on the phone, alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

+1000 sounds frickin miserable and I’m a 48 year old woman! Can’t imagine how bad it must be for a teen to be forced to sit at family meals just for the sake of it.

Do you have kids?

Yes, they are eating in front of the TV right now.

[Anonymous]

You say you have different tastes in movies - I watch the most idiotic movies with my boy. As he got older he gravitated towards dad and we had fewer things in common. I force myself to watch terrible movies and listen to terrible music just to spend time together. We take long drives to nowhere ("nowhere" frequently has an ice cream shop along the way) blasting music. I buy gross snacks like Takis and watch movies at home with him. We laugh, we talk, we sing. It's not the activity I would choose but it keeps us spending time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

+1000 sounds frickin miserable and I’m a 48 year old woman! Can’t imagine how bad it must be for a teen to be forced to sit at family meals just for the sake of it.

Do you have kids?

NP

Yes! My 17 yo is nit home every.single.dinner.

I’m also not eating at 8 when they get home.

Who has a 17 yo home at 6 for dinner?

I’d shoot for 3 dinners together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

+1000 sounds frickin miserable and I’m a 48 year old woman! Can’t imagine how bad it must be for a teen to be forced to sit at family meals just for the sake of it.

Do you have kids?

NP

Yes! My 17 yo is nit home every.single.dinner.

I’m also not eating at 8 when they get home.

Who has a 17 yo home at 6 for dinner?

I’d shoot for 3 dinners together.

NP and it doesn’t have to be dinner. We are more likely to have family lunches out on the weekend. Evenings are busy with kids having different schedules. We can sometimes get everyone together for a meal at a restaurant earlier on a weekend, between a game or an event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set expectations around meals. There’s no opt-out of family meals. She can sit there and be pissy. But she has to come to the table and be with others. It’s not always easy to enforce, but it has to be done.

-parent of a 17 year old dd

oh yes, force her to eat with you. that will improve the relationship astronomically

+1000 sounds frickin miserable and I’m a 48 year old woman! Can’t imagine how bad it must be for a teen to be forced to sit at family meals just for the sake of it.

Do you have kids?

NP

Yes! My 17 yo is nit home every.single.dinner.

I’m also not eating at 8 when they get home.

Who has a 17 yo home at 6 for dinner?

I’d shoot for 3 dinners together.

NP and it doesn’t have to be dinner. We are more likely to have family lunches out on the weekend. Evenings are busy with kids having different schedules. We can sometimes get everyone together for a meal at a restaurant earlier on a weekend, between a game or an event.

We are never with each other lunch time on weekends. We definitely are out doing things.

17 is young adult just try to find 3x /week to check in… doesn’t have to be over food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her compliments. Say all the ways she’s great. Don’t worry about chores. Assume the best. Act light and friendly even if you don’t feel it at the moment.

This is the best advice on the thread, IMO.

Being a teenage girls is hard, and one reason teenage girls tend to retreat into themselves or friendships is that they are looking for validation and support and may not feel they are getting it at home. Teens tend to get a lot of criticism, advice, and concern. That feels pretty terrible when you are already unsure of your place in the world and worried that you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, etc. The expectations are sky high. Most girls can't meet them and when they experience normal awkwardness and self-confidence issues, they don't get much encouragement or positive reinforcement.

But if she sees you as someone who will help build her up, encourage her, tell her she looks great (no suggestions!), etc., she will start turning to you for that support.

The reason she doesn't want to spend time with you now is that she is pretty sure that you will spend that time asking her why she hasn't finished her chores, why she doesn't work harder at school, talking about whether she should talk to a therapist or go on medication, pressuring her about college plans, etc. And is she wrong? Really ask yourself: is she wrong?

[Anonymous]

I recommend not asking questions. I drive teens to school and learned from my spouse that just talking about a general topic invites them in. Could be lack of sleep, a silly mistake you made, something cute the dog did, etc.

If I know one teen attended a concert, I might ask what they liked best about it. I have asked if they have music requests but one teen is too shy to say.